Fifty Shades: Chapter 6. In which Itsrane is sure James is delusional

This was supposed to be up last Tuesday. But I got a new set of paints and unleashed my inner child. It even devolved into glorified finger painting! Anyway.

Sixth chapter. Only twenty more to go. Only.

Now that Ana is in prolonged contact with Christian, I’m really starting to see the signs. I honestly cannot believe this is seen as “romantic”. It’s anything but. The only reason I can think of is that the books says it’s romantic. And we all know if a book says it, it must be true.

IT’S REAL, IT’S ALL REAL. HOGWARTS HERE I COME!

Anyway.

Ana and Christian are in an Audi SUV which Ana describes as a “beast of a car” and I’m just laughing at that and I’m not going to comment even though I just did. Ana wonders if they should address the elephant in the car that was their elevator make out session. Why would you worry about that? You’re attracted to him, he’s attracted to you, it’s not like you had drunken sex you both regret or something or did they. And Ana also starts doubting her memory.

I assign it mythical, Arthurian legend, Lost City of Atlantis status. It never happened, it never existed.

…Okay.

Perhaps I imagined it all. No. I touch my lips, swollen from his kiss. It definitely happened. I am a changed woman.

That’s some kiss.

Ana glances at Christian and finds his “usual polite, slightly distant self” confusing. How is it still confusing, Ana? You know that’s how he is. It’s not complicated. Idiot.

Christian puts on his MP3 player and Ana is blown away by how awesome the music in, because of course she would be.

The car interior is filled with the sweetest, most magical music of two women singing. Oh wow… all my senses are in disarray, so this is doubly affecting. It sends delicious shivers up my spine.

Christian tells her the name of the track, and here it is if you want to listen to it.

Is James using music as a short cut to show how utterly refined Christian is? I think that’s what she’s doing. I have nothing against that particular piece, and I’m not hating on anything who genuinely likes it, but can we have a less stereotypical track? Please? This is like someone saying they’re interested in philosophy and go on and on about some well-known Nietzsche quote.

I sit and listen to the angelic voices, teasing and seducing me.
“Can I hear that again?”
“Of course.” Christian pushes a button, and the music is caressing me once more. It’s a gentle, slow, sweet, and sure assault on my aural senses.

Ana would fit in with them, really.

Ana asks Christian if he likes classical music, and he says his taste is eclectic “everything from Thomas Tallis to the Kings of Leon”. Because God forbid anyone has more than one preference. Liking more than one genre of music doesn’t make the character any less one-dimensional. Also he apparently can change music to what he wants by pressing a button, and unless he already had the whole playlist planned out, you can’t really do that without partaking in some good distracted driving. There are only so many things buttons can do.

Grey takes a call, because he’s just that important, and Ana again notices that he did not say goodbye or thanks, and was glad she didn’t really consider working for him. Time for a callback. Remember this in chapter three? When Kate was talking to Jacob?

“Listen here, José Rodriquez, if you want our newspaper to cover the opening of your show, you’ll do this shoot for us tomorrow, capiche?”
Kate can be awesomely tough. “Good. Ana will call back with the location and the call time. We’ll see you tomorrow.” She snaps my cell phone shut.

When Kate does it, it’s awesomely tough. But when Christian does it, it’s kind of rude and scary. Make up your mind, Ana. Or should I say James?

Elliot calls and asks if Christian got laid. I’m not 100% sure, but don’t these sorts of conversations happen mostly between friends, rather than family members? We also learn that Elliot isn’t immune to the random mumbles, murmurs, or mutters either. Because that’s how people talk in this book.

Ana asks Christian why he calls her Anastasia, rather than Ana, and he says it’s because it’s her name. Okay, that makes sense. Ana says she prefers Ana. Christian ignores this, and insists on calling her Anastasia.

RED FLAG RED FLAG

Now, this could be harmless teasing between two people, but judging by Christian’s current track record, I’m going to say it’s not.

Christian finally addresses the Elevator Event.

“What happened in the elevator – it won’t happen again, well, not unless it’s premeditated.”

Nothing sexier than using words like “premeditated”. I wonder if “murder” has any place in there too.

He pulls up outside my duplex. I belatedly realize he’s not asked me where I live – yet he knows.

RED FLAG!

So, Kate and Elliot are sitting at the dining table. They’ve already had the sex, it seems. Ana also has a habit of thinking about how attractive or sexy Kate is. Now I’m wondering if there’s something else going on there. What if her disinterest in THE MEN is ‘cause she’s just not interested in men? And she’s too dumb to know you can be attracted to the same sex? Just a thought.

Kate is still distrusting of Christian, so we’re back to that. If she was so distrusting why did she let him carry her friend away a couple of chapters ago? Unless the message passed to her was not the correct message. But then she’d be up all night worrying about Ana and maybe calling the cops instead of partaking in the sexy sex times with Elliot. I’m going to guess that James doesn’t remember what she vomited a couple of chapters ago. My cat has a better working memory than James. She learns faster too.

Elliot seems pretty charismatic and Ana why the fuck are you with Christian and not Elliot? I’ve only read like two sentences and he seems way more pleasant and approachable than the asshole with you.

Speaking of the asshole, as soon as Elliot greets Ana, he tells him they need to gtfo. Elliot’s totally cool with this and kisses Kate goodbye.

Jeez… get a room. I stare at my feet, embarrassed.

You mean like you got a room at the elevator? Or when you were mentally begging him to kiss you out in the middle of the street? Shut the fuck up, Ana.

Elliot continues to kiss Kate, sweeping her off her feet and dipping her in a dramatic hold so that her hair touches the ground as he kisses her hard.
“Laters, baby,” he grins.

Elliot’s so cool he has infinity shades

Kate just melts. I’ve never seen her melt before – the words comely and compliant come to mind.

I mean, if you’re into that stuff

He tucks a stray strand of my hair that has worked its way free from my ponytail behind my ear. My breath hitches at the contact, and I lean my head slightly into his fingers. His eyes soften, and he runs his thumb across my lower lip. My blood sears in my veins. And all too quickly, his touch is gone.

You know, I’m not sure I’ve ever seen or heard of a person leaning into touching fingers. I’ve seen cats do it. I’ve seen dogs do it. I’ve seen a thousand pound horse do it. Not people, though. Also what’s with Grey and his lower lip touching? Does shit like that happen? Yes? No?

Christian and Elliot leave, and Elliot sparks Ana’s jealousy by blowing Kate a kiss. Ana’s seriously a jealous bitch. Be happy with what you have, you idiot, and stop raining on other people’s parades.

So as soon as they guys leave, Kate asks Ana “did you?” because that’s a mature way of referring to sex. Last time I heard someone in real life refer to sex in that way, or as “it”, was in high school. Other than that? Anime. And fanfiction. Basically, what I’m saying is James writes like a pubescent fanfic writer. But what else is new?

Ana is irritable and snappy when she says “no”, hoping that that would be enough to stop Kate’s questions, because making your boundaries and desires known clearly by talking like an actual person is too much to ask for.

“You obviously did, though.” I can’t contain my envy.

Look, I get that Ana totally wants in Christian’s pants. I get it. But when would she have liked him to do the sex at her? When she was drunk? Puking? Passed out cold? After a night of drinking? In three of those situations, it would be rape. So take that envy and stick it up your newly awakened inner goddess, or whatever you’re calling it now.

Kate always manages to ensnare men.

Ensnares men. The witch. Those poor men don’t know what fucking hit them.

She is irresistible, beautiful, sexy, funny, forward… all the things that I’m not.

Envy? Attraction?

Kate is super-excited that she’s got a date with Elliot that evening, and acts like a child, but then again, all the characters are childish as fuck so far, so what else is new?

“And I’m seeing him again this evening.” She claps her hands and jumps up and down like a small child.

This would be an appropriate reaction to dealing with people like Christian

Ana forgets all the jealous, envious, hateful thoughts she was having before and says she can’t help but feel happy for her. Like, two paragraphs ago, you were snappy and irritable ‘cause she got some and you didn’t. Shut the fuck up, Ana.

“Christian is taking me to Seattle this evening.”
“Seattle?”
“Yes.”
“Maybe you will then?”

Just fucking say it.

“Oh, I hope so.”
“You like him then?”
“Yes.”
“Like him enough to… ?”

Omg, here’s a fucking list, just say it.

“Yes.”
She raises her eyebrows.
“Wow. Ana Steele, finally falling for a man, and it’s Christian Grey – hot, sexy billionaire.”
“Oh yeah – it’s all about the money.” I smirk, and we both fall into a fit of giggles.

Also notice how Kate’s reservation and hostility is nowhere in the text at this point. What about the “he’s trouble” bits? The part where you were visibly hostile to him not even a few pages ago? Is consistency too much to ask for? Fuck me.

Ana gives Kate the “unexciting details” about her night, which is bullshit, because the end of that night is “and then I passed out in his arms after her roofied me.” The rest of the encounter resumed this morning when you woke up, Ana. Pay attention.

Kate decides she needs to make sure Ana is “simply irresistible” for that evening, and she somehow got Ana shaved “to perfection”, and her eyebrows plucked, and she’s “buffed all over”, and I’m sorry, an hour isn’t nearly enough for all that, not unless you’re okay with that one patch of knee you somehow missed in your hurry or something. And are you saying Ana’s never groomed herself before? Because ew.

It has been a most unpleasant experience. But she assures me that this is what men expect these days.

Okay. Let me stop here for a second.

First of all, if a man expects that much grooming as a right, he better be giving back to the woman just as much in some way, or else he’s a total douche.

Second of all, no one’s obligated to spend so much time shaving or waxing or whatever for someone else. If you like doing that, more power to you, girl or guy.

Third of all, I don’t think Christian minds Ana’s body seeing as to how he stripped her while she was unconscious and slept beside her and definitely got a good gander.

And last, I’m not talking shaving and shit 24/7, but are you seriously telling me Ana has never tried shaving? Or doesn’t at least keep herself maintained? It’s not appearance, I’m talking hygiene. And what about skincare routines?! I’m guessing by the “buffing” comment, she doesn’t know what that is. Shit.

What else will he expect? I have to convince Kate that this is what I want to do. For some strange reason, she doesn’t trust him, maybe because he’s so stiff and formal.

Okay, what the fuck is going on. First, Kate is all about the hook up, then she thinks he’s bad news, and continues to be hostile. Then she’s all hyper-excite and gets Ana ready to be boned that evening. AND RIGHT AFTER THAT, SHE’S BACK TO BEING SUSPICIOUS. WHAT THE FUCK. Like, is she protective of Ana? Is that it? Then why is she okay with Ana getting diddled later that evening? FUCK.

I also have the José issue. He’s left three messages and seven missed calls on my cell.

Not sure if creepy… actually yes, I’m sure it’s creepy

After all this time, am I ready for this? My inner goddess glares at me, tapping her small foot impatiently. She’s been ready for this for years, and she’s ready for anything with Christian Grey.

No, really, what?

If your “inner goddess” has been ready for “this” for years, you’d feel some urges, which you already said you haven’t. So she hasn’t been ready for years. You dumb fucking bitch.

He is punctual, of course, and waiting for me when I leave Clayton’s.

So, she got all ready, headed to work, was there for EIGHT HOURS and gets picked up straight from Clayton’s for her fucking date.
Because after a long day, you totally are going to look and feel your best.

Also, regarding hand-holding:

He’s only touching a very small area of my body, and the hormones are flying.

We’re in a built-up area of the city and even I know helicopters need space to take off and land.

Taking off and landing in tight spaces is the fucking POINT of helicopters. What the fuck is wrong with you, James, you dumb fuck. You utter idiot. You plague.

Look at how much space it needs!

 

Even if the area is so built-up there’s no fucking space of a helipad, they can be put on top of buildings. Haven’t you watched any fucking movies?

No room for anything at all!

 

[W]e head into the building, straight to a set of elevators. Elevator! The memory of our kiss this morning comes back to haunt me.

So Ana’s been conditioned to be turned on by elevators. Gotcha.

The doors close, and it’s there, the weird electrical attraction crackling between us, enslaving me.

And there it is, a white helicopter with the name Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. written in blue with the company logo on the side. Surely this is misuse of Company property.

No, it’s not, because it’s his fucking company he’s the sole owner there is no board, or have you forgotten you empty headed barnacle.

He leads me to a small office where an old timer sits behind the desk.

“Old timer”?

“Thank you, Joe.” Christian smiles warmly at him.

Oh. Someone deserving of the polite treatment from Christian, perhaps he’s not an employee. I stare at the old guy in awe.

What about your best friend Kate?

They get in the ‘copter and Christian orders her to not touch anything. If I was in Ana’s position, I’d touch something out of spite. But I wouldn’t be in Ana’s position because I have more than a brain cell and a healthy sense of self-worth, so moot point.

Ana seems pretty obsessed with sniffing Christian, maybe her fursona’s a bloodhound or something. She wants to smell his hair, but we all know where dogs prefer to sniff.
You decide if I’m implying she’s desperate for the D, or if I’m implying she’s a bitch. Or both! It can be both!

He glances up and smiles, like he’s enjoying his usual private joke, his gray eyes heated.

You know it’s possible to smile even though there’s nothing funny, right? People smile for a lot of reasons. Amusement at jokes is just a small part of it.

Everyone is always laughing at you. Click image to see the Wikipedia page.

Christian does the pre-flight stuff, and shock of shocks, it actually looks like it was researched or something. I’m going to guess James took one of those tour helicopter trips and it made her feel funny in her no-no zone, so of course she’d find out more about it.

So they fly, kind of uneventful, Ana still thinks that Christian is way out of her league and keeps depressing herself, like, you idiot, he’s sitting there next to you, if he didn’t want you, you wouldn’t be in a helicopter with him.

Christian says they’ll be in Seattle in less than an hour. I have my doubts about the length of the trip. I think it’s about 40 minutes by plane, but I really can’t be assed to mathemagic the time and distance. If anyone wants to, go right ahead.

As they get ready to land in Seattle, Christian reveals that Ana’s the first woman he’s flown with, of course. Abusive tactics aside, Ana really needs to get a fucking clue, he does shit for you he never did with anyone else, stop selling yourself short, girl.
Oh, wait.

Ana compliments Christian by saying he’s competent. Um. I get what it’s supposed to mean, but it really feels like “hey you don’t suck at doing stuff”. I’m surprised that James didn’t use something way more flowery like saying he’s a man of many mysterious talents or something.

Ana comments that Christian obviously enjoys flying, and he says he likes being in control. Hey, control is good and all, but I’m pretty sure in most cases, people like to balance something out with the opposite to unwind. I’m not saying Christian should be the submissive in this “relationship”, but I’m not convinced he has to be always in control always because that’s how he is. Or I’m just forgetting what I’m reading.

And I’m pretty sure gliding and soaring are used interchangeably, not “hurrdurr only laypeople call it gliding, it’s actually soaring.” But then again, James does seem to like feeling smug.

Expensive hobbies. I remember him telling me during the interview. I like reading and occasionally going to the movies. I am out of my depth here.

We’re back to this, now. I’m looking forward to the rest of the self-doubt in the book.
And even “expensive” hobbies needn’t be expensive unless you’re getting your own gear or equipment or something. If you search right, you can do lots of things that seem pretty financially inaccessible. But then again, we know how James is when it comes to research.

It looks otherworldly – unreal – and I feel like I’m on a giant film set, José’s favorite film maybe, ‘Bladerunner.’

I’m sure you knwo Bladerunner by heart, Ana.

Um, I’m pretty sure Bladerunner depicted a dystopia. Dystopias don’t generally look good. And yes, she doesn’t say it looks good there, but she agreed with Christian when he said it looked good.

The memory of José’s attempted kiss haunts me. I’m beginning to feel a bit cruel not calling him back. He can wait until tomorrow… surely.

Ana does not owe Jacob anything after that stunt. At all. It’s well within her right to cut him off completely. I’m not saying she shouldn’t make up with him, but holy shit she’s the one feeling bad about this bullshit what the fuck.

He’ll find me lacking in some way. I wish I’d listened to Kate and borrowed one of her dresses, but I like my black jeans, and I’m wearing a soft mint green shirt and Kate’s black jacket. I look smart enough.

Okay. Let’s go over some points here.

1. We can’t go more than a couple of paragraphs before Ana starts whining about how she’s not good enough for Christian.
2. More of the looking smart enough bullshit. If you’re worrying over how you look or how you’re dressed, chances are you’re not “smart enough”.
3. Why the fuck would you wear a fucking dress he picked you up straight from work at a hardware store, you dumb fucking bitch.

Okay. I’m done.

And I know it’s a big thing and all, and the first time Ana’s been in a romantic (snrk) type interaction, but the way she keeps obsessing over how it’s time or some shit, just look.

“We’ll be there in a few minutes,” Christian mutters, and suddenly my blood is pounding in my ears as my heartbeat accelerates and adrenaline spikes through my system.

And:

It’s getting nearer and nearer, bigger and bigger… like my anxiety. God, I hope I don’t let him down.

 And:

I grip the edge of my seat tighter and tighter. I can do this. I can do this.

It strikes me as the thoughts of a first-time escort or something, rather than a romantic interaction. Ana thinks of “it” (and yes, she hasn’t specified what “it” is yet, even though we all know, fucking immature idiots, all of them) as the big thing that’s going to happen for sure, and not something that’s a decision made by both consenting and willing parties. Not to mention she hasn’t spared the contract he mentioned a thought. It would be the thing on my mind the most, because who the fuck does that?

His look is so intense, half in shadow and half in the bright white light from the landing lights. Dark knight and white knight, it’s a fitting metaphor for Christian.

“You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. You know that don’t you?” His tone is so earnest, desperate even, his gray eyes impassioned. He takes me by surprise.
“I’d never do anything I didn’t want to do, Christian.”

I’LL DO WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT TO DO

It’s very windy on top of the building, and I’m nervous about the fact that I’m standing at least thirty stories high in an unenclosed space.

But you’re not on the edge and it’s not narrow so why the fuck does it matter. Or did you forget all that space ‘copters need to take off and land?

Also, Christian has to shout to be heard over the noise of the wind. Is it even safe to fly if it’s that windy?

It’s warm inside and all mirrored glass. I can see Christian to infinity everywhere I look, and the wonderful thing is, he’s holding me to infinity too.

The only possible explanation

Also they’re in an elevator and shock of shocks, Ana does not have a Pavlovian reaction to being in one. I think James just forgot.

To the right is an imposing ‘U’ shaped sofa that could sit ten adults comfortably.

I have to comment on the use of “ten adults”. As opposed to children? Why not say “people”? I think James is (maybe unconsciously) trying to remind us that everyone’s a consenting adult, because you could have fooled me with the way Ana behaves.

It faces a state-of-theart stainless steel – or maybe platinum for all I know – modern fireplace.

I’m just going to note that James describes Christian’s crib as a list. To the left this and that and also that, to the right is this and that, beyond that… and so on. Urgh.
This line needs a special mention.

There is art of all shapes and sizes on all the walls.

Thsi shit got published

“Can I take your jacket?” Christian asks.

I don’t know. Can you? I’m sorry, I couldn’t help myself.

Moving on.

Christian offers Ana a glass of white wine. She accepts, even though she took a moment to consider what happened the night before, but of course, like everything else in this book, that is soon forgotten.

My heart is thumping. I want to run. This is seriously rich. Seriously over-the-top Bill Gates style wealthy.

I’m 100% sure James knows nothing about Bill Gates except “he’s stinkin’ rich”.

We then have a weird conversation that… I don’t know, is supposed to show their chemistry or something, but only succeeds in being oh my God so fucking dumb. Shit. I bet James is the sort of person who deletes any fanfiction reviews that are in any way critical, constructive or otherwise. If it’s not mindless love, it’s gone. Wait. She does that with this book’s critics. Yup.

I turn and glance around this vast room. Room is the wrong word.
It’s not a room – it’s a mission statement.

If you say so, Ana. What does that even mean?

I don’t… um… never mind. Next.

As I sit, I’m struck by the fact that I feel like Tess Durbeyfield looking at the new house that belongs to the notorious Alec D’Urberville. The thought makes me smile.

Hold on, maybe I’m misremembering things, but didn’t Alec fucking rape Tess? Why would that thought make you fucking smile!? You got a fucking note from this fucking asshole quoting fucking Tess as a warning. What the ever loving fuck. What the fuck.

“What’s so amusing?” He sits down beside me, turning to face me.

I was kind of joking before, but I really think James does not understand that smiling does not necessarily mean being amused by something. You smile when you’re happy. You smile when you thank people. This fucking witch probably never smiled for real in her life. This bitch probably doesn’t have human emotions.

Ana asks Christian why he sent her that particular set of books with a rape apologist quote.

“It seemed appropriate. I could hold you to some impossibly high ideal like Angel Clare or debase you completely like Alec D’Urberville,” he murmurs, and his gray eyes flash dark and dangerous.

“If there are only two choices, I’ll take the debasement.” I whisper, gazing at him. My subconscious is staring at me in awe.

And in case anyone is confused or if it isn’t clear.

SO ROMANTIC

You could argue that this is part of the supposed BDSM in this book. If you do, I’d call you an idiot. Because they’re not in that relationship yet. And they haven’t agreed on anything yet.

Christian ruins the romantic creepy atmosphere by running off and coming back with a document.

“This is a non-disclosure agreement.” He shrugs and has the grace to look a little embarrassed. “My lawyer insists on it.”

And what does this agreement say, you ask? Basically, that Ana can’t say shit about what goes on between her and Grey. To anyone. Take that, Kate.

“Okay. I’ll sign.”
He hands me a pen.
“Aren’t you even going to read it?”
“No.”

What the fucking fuck, you fucking idiot. Even Christian is all “wat”. This is her reasoning.

“Christian, what you fail to understand is that I wouldn’t talk about us to anyone, anyway. Even Kate. So it’s immaterial whether I sign an agreement or not. If it means so much to you, or your lawyer… whom you obviously talk to, then fine. I’ll sign.”

What if there’s something in there that would fuck you over and you agreed to it because you’re a dumb fucking bitch, what about then, Ana?

He gazes down at me, and he nods gravely. “Fair point well made, Miss Steele.”

What point is that, she didn’t say shit, you fucking assholish idiot.

Ana asks if they’re going to “make love” now that she’s signed the thing. Christian says he doesn’t “make love”, he fucks hard. So edgy. I cut myself on that edge, you guys. Someone get me a bandaid. He also says there’s more paperwork. Because there’s nothing sexier than paperwork. And she still has the option to back off if she wants. How gracious of him to supply that. He also still has to show her his “playroom”. If he was Mr. BDSM, wouldn’t that be his dungeon? I don’t even know. Would a playroom be a smaller version of this?

“You want to play on your Xbox?” I ask. He laughs, loudly.
“No, Anastasia, no Xbox, no Playstation. Come.”

Because my thoughts immediately jump to video games when a playroom is mentioned in a sexy context. You dumb bitch.

James gives directions to where they’re going, like out to the corridor and then right at the doors and then up the stairs and oh my God who the fuck cares? James is so conceited that she thinks the things she thinks are interesting are universally interesting so of course everyone wants to know these shitty little details that add nothing to the story and takes from the (already weak as fuck) flow. And the fans of these books who think it’s the bestest thing ever are the weak sort of fools who believe something just because it’s printed on paper. Know what, print this, and believe it enough to make it true:
Itsrane is now a billionaire and Christian Grey is her bitch.
I’ll just sit here and wait for it to happen, okay?

So now Ana and Christian are at the playroom.

And it feels like I’ve time-traveled back to the sixteenth century and the Spanish Inquisition.
Holy fuck.

And that’s the end of this fucking chapter. Fuck. I am so pissed off you guys. You have no idea. And what the fuck is James’ interest in the fucking Spanish Inquisition? Does she fucking know what it’s about? Or is she only familiar with it because of Monty Python

That dumb fuck. I’m just going to finish the list of worrying details then I’m going to work on some other project.

Itsrane’s Quick List of Worrying Details:

• Ana does not find the fact that Christian knows where she lives without her telling him to be alarming.
• Ana and Kate both keep flopping from one extreme to the other; in Ana’s case, she cannot decide whether to be annoyed by Kate, or happy for her. In Kate’s case, she goes from being suspicious of Christian, to pimping Ana, and back to being cold and hostile.
• Ana continues to be unable to comprehend that Christian must see something in her that he likes, as she continues to go off on how Christian is unattainable.
• Ana and Kate need to invest in a book of euphemisms because they seem unable to refer to sexual intercourse as anything other than “it” between the two of them.
• Ana and Kate behave like girls in early high school in gossip, mannerisms, and choice of euphemisms.
• Ana appears to be so far from reality that she does not know basic “feminine” grooming. Even people who do not shave/wax/etc. know what they are.
• Ana seems to be sexually aroused by elevators.
• Ana cannot comprehend that people smile for reasons other than jokes/amusement.
• Ana is extremely hypocritical, and the actions she sees as rude or domineering when performed by Christian are awesome when performed by Kate.
• Ana downplays the seriousness of José’s behavior.
• Ana signs apparently binding agreements without going over the terms and conditions first.
• Ana seems incapable of interpreting unfamiliar words or phrases based on context. As Christian mentioned his “playroom” when they were talking about sex, it’s only logical that it has something to do with sex, rather than Xbox or Playstation.
• Ana seems to see Tess’s relationship with Alec as a positive thing even though he raped her.
• Christian blatantly ignores Ana’s wish to be called “Ana”, going by his preference of calling her “Anastasia” or “Miss Steele”.
• Christian is paranoid and premeditates acts of passion, probably to avoid any accusations of misconduct.
• Christian is obsessed with the idea of being always in control.
• Christian is not comfortable with telling Ana important information when they are at a neutral setting. Instead, he takes her on a helicopter ride, and into his residence, to tell her things that could make her rethink her relationship with him. If this information was so polarizing, Ana could be too uncomfortable or fearful to deny Christian, which is a form of coercion.
• Christian gives Ana a clear choice, and maintains that he would not do anything she did not want to do, however as later chapters show, he’s all talk, no action.
• James still needs to research.
• James seems uncomfortable or even incapable of interpreting human facial expressions.
• James seems uncomfortable or even incapable of interpreting human emotions.
• James really needs to understand what the Spanish Inquisition is before throwing it around in her book.

We’re All Children

I know, I know, I tweeted a while ago saying I should have the next review up on Tuesday. I’m cleaning it up right now.

This chapter is ridiculously hard to get through. I’d say I need a drink, but I don’t drink. I need to snack on carrots because I end up grinding my teeth sometimes. I mean, it’s not as what the fuck bad as chapter five, but still, holy shit.

I also got some paint for a side project/art experiment, and I’ve rediscovered how much fun the process is. No, seriously. It’s magic. Go do it. I’ll report back with my experiment if it turns out okay.

Now back to being mad at that witch of a woman.

Fifty Shades: Chapter 5. In which Itsrane is well and truly disgusted

And yet another “For fuck’s sake, shut the fuck up, James” chapter. I’m guessing the rest of this book is going to be like this and worse. Help.

This chapter starts really getting all those red flags up, clear as day. I’m going to start adding information about abuse and abusive relationships to Itsrane’s Quick List of Worrying Details, and how some behaviors in this sorry excuse for literature are characteristics of abuse and abusive behavior.

When we left off, Ana was roofied passed out in Grey’s arms, because of course that’s what you do. This chapter starts out with our pet idiot waking up in unknown surroundings. Show of hands, how many of you guys love to wake up in a strange room? My favoritest thing ever is waking up in the middle of the night, during a hypoglycemic episode, in a strange bed, in a strange room, in a strange house, and not remembering where the door is, or where the fuck I stowed my supplies before flopping into bed after a 13 hour flight, and I’m sorry, I’m letting my personal experiences control me.

Well? Anyone? At least one person does, though. In James’ delusion book.

I open my eyes, and for a moment, I’m tranquil and serene, enjoying the strange unfamiliar surroundings.

Because fight or flight don’t real

Ana concludes that she’s in Grey’s suite. She cringes over the memories of the night before, because who wouldn’t, or something. She also spends more time cringing over the call and the vomiting and Grey being there, and only spares Jacob the thought of his name. I don’t know, I’m pretty sure anyone else would be disturbed by a supposed friend not taking no for an answer and attempting to violate you more that he already did, but that’s just me.

Ana notes that she’s in her t-shirt, bra, and panties. No pants. Oh good.
Just a personal observation, but I have never met a woman who referred to underwear as panties, and a lot of those who don’t think the word is gross. But they could be out there, who knows.

Grey had left a glass of orange juice and some Advil for the idiot Ana. At least it wasn’t Tylenol or Aspirin, then I’d be raging some about no research. Those are not good at all as hangover cures. I hesitate to give James a point here, because judging by her current record, she made the right call because of pure luck, not knowledge. Moving on.

There’s a knock on the door, and the stalker Grey comes in without waiting for an answer. Charming. I’m swooning.

He’s all sweaty and gross from working out, because of course that’s what he had been doing before deciding to visit the womanchild Ana. He couldn’t go and clean up first, or something. Of course Ana’s all over that, because his sweat turns her on.

He’s close enough for me to touch, for me to smell. Oh my… sweat and body wash and Christian, it’s a heady cocktail – so much better than a margarita, and now I can speak from experience.

“After you passed out, I didn’t want to risk the leather upholstery in my car taking you all the way to your apartment. So I brought you here,” he says phlegmatically.

First of all, are you saying that Mr. Rich Asshole Grey can’t get his car cleaned up if she puked in it? He just wants a reason to bring her back to his room. Second of all, I know what “phlegmatically” means, but I’m about 100% positive that there are better synonyms out there.

You’re welcome

Also, UNDRESSING SOMEONE WHO IS UNCONSCIOUS IS FUCKING CREEPY AND NOT RIGHT, OKAY? I need to put it out there. Also, I get it, pants are uncomfortable, but I’d be more uncomfortable with someone I don’t know fucking taking them off for me while I was unconscious. Ana’s afraid they may have had sex, but Grey says nah.

“Anastasia, you were comatose. Necrophilia is not my thing. I like my women sentient and receptive,” he says dryly.

First of all, having sex with an unconscious person is not necrophilia. It’s rape, though!
Second of all, I don’t think sentient really applies to Ana. Maybe if you stretch the definition a bit.
Third of all, from what I’ve read, Ana wasn’t really very receptive to a lot of the shit Grey does, so, you know.
Maybe James thinks Grey’s funny to say this, but it’s not. It’s fucking creepy.

…oh he’s laughing at me, the bastard. I didn’t ask him to come and get me.
Somehow I’ve been made to feel like the villain of the piece.

Abusiveness 101

It’s one thing to see the story through a character’s eyes. It’s another thing entirely to see it through the character’s eyes and still find it incongruent at best. Jfc, James, get your shit together.

Ana confronts (lol) Grey about pulling some hi tech magic to track her down. But since this is Grey, he’s going to make her feel like she’s the one at fault (classic abuser tactic, should I make an abuse bingo card? I’m going to make an abuse bingo card).

Firstly, the technology to track cell phones is available over the Internet.

Doesn’t make it legal! Or ethical! A lot of things are available that aren’t legal or ethical. Also, I googled it.

You’re welcome

Secondly, my company does not invest or manufacture any kind of surveillance devices

Doesn’t make it legal! Or ethical! To fucking track people! Without their fucking permission!

…and thirdly, if I hadn’t come to get you, you’d probably be waking up in the photographer’s bed, and from what
I can remember, you weren’t overly enthused about him pressing his suit.

This has absolutely nothing to do with the topic, which is “you fucking tracked me using my phone you unethical criminal”. Really, this is classic. It’s misdirection, plain and simple. He’s putting himself in the role of the rescuer, without him Ana would have been raped, he saved her, gee, you’re welcome, you ungrateful brat. At this point, the other person would put aside what they’re talking about in favor of being defensive, or to placate. It’s shitty as fuck. Look at the next bit in the text:

I glance up at Christian, he’s glaring at me, his gray eyes blazing, aggrieved.

He’s aggrieved! What about Ana? Shouldn’t she be “aggrieved” because someone’s pulling some scary stalker tactics on her?
It’s also possible for more than one thing to be true at the same time. He saved her, but he still did a shitty thing. Just because one thing is good doesn’t negate the other bad thing. Contrary to popular belief, there’s very little either/or in this world. Leave that shit back in school. Know what, I’ll leave this rant for some other time. Let me just get through this clusterfuck of a book.

The tense atmosphere doesn’t last long, because Ana gets a case of the giggles because he “sound[s] like a courtly knight”. Really, Ana? Which knight would he be? The one from The Wife of Bath’s Tale? You know, this one:

It happened that King Arthur had with him
A bachelor in his house; this lusty liver,
While riding from his hawking by the river,
Once chanced upon, alone as she was born,
A maiden who was walking–soon forlorn,
For he, despite all that she did or said,
By force deprived her of her maidenhead.

Ana’s starting to sound like Sansa. At least Sansa got a clue later on. You know what, guys, I’ll come clean. I’ll admit it. I like Sansa. She’s annoying, she’s dumb as fuck, and she’s so fucking idealistic, and I hated her the first time I read through the books, but I like her now. Comparing Ana to her is an insult to Sansa.

So, tension broken, Grey says if he’s a knight, he’d be a dark knight. Riiight.

“Did you eat last night?” His tone is accusatory. I shake my head. What major transgression have I committed now?

Oy. Back to the scarily stereotypical abuser/abused dynamic. Grey is domineering (and not in the sex way), and accusatory. Blame is and will always be on Ana. Ana starts wondering what she’d done wrong. Look what happens next.

His jaw clenches, but his face remains impassive. “You need to eat. That’s why you were so ill. Honestly Anastasia, it’s drinking rule number one.”

First the cyclist, now this. Does he always blow shit out of proportion?

Does James? Answer: No.

You didn’t eat

Not your business, Grey.

…you got drunk

Again, not your business, Grey.

…you put yourself at risk.

No, she did not. Is it her fault someone she trusted was a scumbag? An abuser would say yes. Grey would say yes. See the links, yet? He’s blaming her for things that are not in her control. Remember, she didn’t go out for some air with Jacob, he followed her. Grey is blaming the almost-date-rape on the almost-victim.

I flush at the waywardness of my subconscious – she’s doing her happy dance in a bright red hula skirt at the thought of being his.

“I would have been fine. I was with Kate.”

“And the photographer?” he snaps at me.

Hmm… young José. I’ll need to face him at some point.

“José just got out of line.” I shrug.

“José just got out of line.” I shrug.

“José just got out of line.” I shrug.

“José just got out of line.” I shrug.

What the fuck

His eyes narrow, and then he grins wickedly. It’s disarming. One minute, I’m confused and angry, the next I’m gazing at his gorgeous smile.

So Grey keeps going hot or cold with his emotions and reactions, and Ana is of course confused by the sudden changes. Obviously, this keeps Grey in control of the conversation and situation.
And don’t give me that “but he’s a dom” nonsense, he’s not in a relationship with her yet, and has no right to treat her like a sub, okay?

My heartbeat has picked up, and my medulla oblongata has neglected to fire any synapses to make me breathe.

THAT’S NOT HOW THE BRAIN WORKS. THAT’S NOT HOW SYNAPSES WORK. THAT’S NOT HOW ANY OF THIS WORKS.

He’s the only man who has ever set my blood racing around my body. Yet, he’s so antagonizing too; he’s difficult, complicated, and confusing. One minute he rebuffs me, the next he sends me fourteen thousand-dollar books, then he tracks me like a stalker.

That the signal to turn around and run for the hills, Ana. Fuck’s sake.

He’s not a dark knight at all, but a white knight in shining, dazzling armor – a classic romantic hero – Sir Gawain or Lancelot.

I, I’m sorry. I just had to.

Anyway. This has come up again and again with Ana. She is obsessed with literary heroes. So obsessed, that real people don’t interest her. Nope, Boy-Next-Door Paul’s too boring. I’d rather have Mr. Darcy.

Since this is Fifty Shades, and this character is Ana, of course Grey catches her fucking around the room with no jeans on. Of course. Look at me being surprised. Am I surprised enough?

So surprised

Ana learns her pants have been sent to the laundry, because she got puke on them. Fair enough, that’s a good reason to send pants for cleaning. It is not a good enough reason for some guy to undress a woman. Unless it’s spattered with napalm, or something. Anyway, he could have gotten someone else to do it, he has the influence and money, but he wants something that gives him power over Ana.

Unrelated, but Ana/James says Grey’s eyes are “dark obsidian” and I learned that while obsidian can have darkness variations because of the presence/absence of impurities, this is what everyone (and google image search) thinks of when you use the word “obsidian”;

If anything, James probably means light obsidian, but that means she wouldn’t get to use the word DARK.

Back to the goings-on, Ana refers to Grey gaze a lot, and how it unnerved her. While she’s standing around in her underwear. I don’t know about you guys, but if Grey had the smallest bit of courtesy or decency, he’d avert his gaze or apologize or something. If he had done so, Ana would comment on it. How courtly. Very knightly.

He had ordered some clothes for Ana, which she thinks of as an “unexpected bonus”. Or maybe he wants something he could hold over her head later. “Remember the clothes I got you after you ralphed all over your shitty jeans? Remember that? And this is how you repay me?”

Michelangelo’s David has nothing on him.

Click for donger.

Add your favorite dick joke here.

I was going to comment on Ana’s shower, but I’ll just quote some choice bits here, because they have to be seen to be believed.

He said he likes his women sentient . He’s probably not celibate then.
But he’s not made a pass at me, unlike Paul or José. I don’t understand. Does he want me?

Low bar.

He wouldn’t kiss me last week. Am I repellent to him?

You just fucking met.

And yet, I’m here and he brought me here. I just don’t know what his game is? What he’s thinking? You’ve slept in his bed all night, and he’s not touched you Ana. You do the math. My subconscious has reared her ugly, snide head. I ignore her.

She attributes him not touching her to him not wanting her instead of, you know, not committing something called rape.

Ana naughtily uses Grey’s naughty body wash that smells naughtily of him, and oh my God aren’t they in a fucking hotel, why would his body wash be in the bathroom, didn’t the hotel supply some of those tiny little bottles of the stuff? Grey interrupts her almost-masturbation session. Damnit, Grey!

After the shower, Ana inspects the bags of stuff Grey got her. I don’t know about anyone else, but I usually inspect my clothes before I shower, to make sure I haven’t forgotten anything and have to redress or make a mad dash back to my room in my robe or towel and hope no one sees me.

Not only has Taylor brought me jeans and new Converse, but a pale blue shirt, socks, and underwear. Oh my. A clean bra and panties – actually to describe them in such a mundane, utilitarian way does not do them justice. They are an exquisite design of some fancy European lingerie. All pale blue lace and finery.

Recap: Grey brought unconscious Ana to his room. Grey undressed unconscious Ana. Grey got unconscious Ana’s clothing sizes either by eyeballing her, or by checking the labels of the stuff she’s wearing, including her underwear which was still on her. Grey gave these sizes to his errand boy bodyguard and told him to get new stuff. Where do I fucking begin?

This is not sweet.

This is not romantic.

This is not love.

Just because he didn’t touch touch her does not make it okay.

Just because he says he was taking care of her does not make it okay.

Just because he was worried about her does not make it okay.

He is not her boyfriend at this time. He is someone she does not know. And don’t say she does so too know him, she doesn’t, because the only interactions they’ve had was an interview she was forced to do, and an interrogation disguised as a coffee date where she was the target for questioning, not Grey. She does not know him. He stalked her. He found out where she works. He found out where she was partying. He went to where he was partying. He took her away when she passed out, instead of, I don’t know calling her friend who was right fucking there for help. God help me, this is not right, this cannot be right, and this is never going to be right.

And people have the audacity to say this is romantic. Are you fucking kidding me.

Fuck.

Anyway. Let me finish this.

Ana can’t keep her hair under control even while it’s damp, and fuck no towel drying your hair doesn’t make it dry you stupid fucking bitch. And she ends up deciding to “restrain it” with a hair tie. If your hair is so fucked up you can’t get it to “cooperate”, it’s probably damaged beyond any kind of control or repair. And nothing fucking wrong with a ponytail, that shit’s tight. Unless you’re this chucklebitch.

Ana hunts around for her purse, but doesn’t find it in the bathroom or the bedroom. She goes to the living area, and I’ll spare the description because lol.

Ana remembers Kate, took her long enough.

“She knows you’re here and still alive. I texted Elliot,” he says with just a trace of humor.

Wait, hold up. You’re trying to tell me that Kate, who thought Ana should stay away from Christian, and thought he was bad news, is perfectly okay with letting her drunk as fuck friend be taken away by the bad news guy, and didn’t see a problem with him taking her back to his place instead of dropping her off at her apartment like he said he was going to do? Are you fucking kidding me? If I had a friend in Ana’s current situation, I might get the police involved. That’s because I actually give a shit about my friends.

We’re then treated to Ana’s thoughts concerning her loyal friend. Remember how she was praising her last chapter? Yeah, that didn’t last long.

I remember her fervent dancing of the night before. All her patented moves used with maximum effect to seduce Christian’s brother no less! What’s she going to think about me being here? I’ve never stayed out before. She’s still with Elliot. She’s only done this twice before, and both times I’ve had to endure the hideous pink PJs for a week from the fallout. She’s going to think I’ve had a one-night stand too.

1. Who the fuck cares who she seduces.
2. Who the fuck cares what she thinks of you being here, you’re a fucking adult.
3. The aftermath of a one-night stand does not a breakup make.
4. Enduring pink PJs when your friend is in a bad state is the least you could do, you vapid, self-centered bitch.
5. Who the fuck cares if you had a fucking one night stand.

Channeling my inner Mannis

And what’s worse, Ana takes Christian’s word for it, and does not try to call Kate. For all she knows, Grey is lying to her and Kate’s in a blind panic searching for her missing friend.

Christian continues to be all commanding, and you know, I get people get turned on by this sort of stuff, and no judgment, but since they’re not in any sort of relationship right now, it’s not hot, it’s rude and creepy.

Click the image for an even grosser one

We get a look at how caring and generous Grey is because he didn’t know what she liked and just got a bit of everything. He could have just got dog food or something and ordered Ana to eat, she’d probably do it, because omg the way he orders me around turns me on so much you guys.

Side note, there’s no reason to use a word like profligate. It just looks out of place in the text. Fucking stop.

He passes me a small teapot of hot water and on the saucer is a Twining’s English Breakfast teabag. Jeez, he remembers how I like my tea.

It’s kind of hard to forget how you have your “tea” when you drink discolored water, Ana. It’s nothing fucking special. Weird shit tends to be memorable.

Can never forget

Grey gets pissy at Ana for having damp hair, I guess that’s supposed to appear caring and whatever, but it’s not. If someone talked to me like that, I’d be imagining how they’d look wearing my discolored water tea.

Ana (kind of) confronts him about the stuff he bought her, and he says the only reason he does is because he can.
By the way, unwanted gifts are a sign of an abusive relationship. They can be used as leverage. I’m going to make a post about the abuse in this book sometime around chapter 13, because it needs its own thing.

Ana asks why he sent the books, and Christian again warns her about himself, and how he doesn’t do romance, and whatever, but he’s so damn fucking vague it’s fucking useless. If he just fucking says he likes whatever, I don’t know, wrapping fresh kitten pelts on his penis while he jerks off, Ana would know exactly what he’s talking about, none of this vague fucking bullshit.

Grey asks about Ana’s plans, and she tells him. Working, packing, moving to Seattle. She doesn’t even know her new address, but Kate does, because it’s Kate’s place, and we’ve established that Ana’s a parasite. At least both organisms benefit when a relationship is symbiotic.

“So what are you going to do for work in Seattle?”
Where is he going with all these questions? The Christian Grey
Inquisition is almost as irritating as the Katherine Kavanagh Inquisition.

No, Ana. Grey’s is worse. Much worse.

“Because I’m not going to touch you Anastasia – not until I have your written consent to do so.”

Grey’s all mysterious and shit, and promises to take Ana on a show and tell later. Ana wants to know now, but Grey says she probably won’t want to see him again after she learns whatever it is about him that’s so mysterious and closely guarded.

He does jerk off using kittens, doesn’t he? Right?

Does he white-slave small children to some God-forsaken part of the planet?

Wouldn’t put it past him. Remember the fucking interview, Ana? Where he pretty much says he gets what he wants from people? And how self-serving he is? Yeah? No? James probably doesn’t even remember.

Is he part of some underworld crime syndicate? It would explain why he’s so rich.

Wouldn’t put it past him, really.

Is he deeply religious?

Is he impotent?

How did you arrive to this conclusion?

Obviously, Ana wants to know ASAP.

“Like Eve, you’re so quick to eat from the tree of knowledge,” he smirks.

Grey calls his errand boy and starts talking jibberish, I mean, mysteriously. Something about standing by all night and piloting and whatever. My brother’s a pilot. I asked him if any of this makes sense. He looked at me like I was an idiot before saying “wtf no”.

He puts the phone down. No please or thank you.

But when Kate does it, you don’t comment and think she’s totes awesome.

Bitches

“And if they don’t work for you?”
“Oh, I can be very persuasive, Anastasia.”

He’s talking about black mail, isn’t he. Or threats.

Grey drops a bomb on Ana by saying they’re going by helicopter. Why? Well, why not.

And we’re back to being creepy.

“Eat,” he says more sharply. “Anastasia, I have an issue with wasted food… eat.”
“I can’t eat all this.” I gape at what’s left on the table.
“Eat what’s on your plate. If you’d eaten properly yesterday, you wouldn’t be here, and I wouldn’t be declaring my hand so soon.” His mouth sets in a grim line. He looks angry.

Charming.

Ana thinks of something funny. Then we get this.

“What’s so funny?” he asks. I shake my head, not daring tell him and keep my eyes on my food.
Swallowing my last piece of pancake, I peek up at him. He’s eyeing me speculatively.
“Good girl,” he says.

“Good girl,” he says.

“Good girl,” he says.

Ana asks where Grey slept that night. He said in his bed. Beside her. While she was unconscious. That’s so hot. And by hot I mean creepy as fuck and omg why am I reading this still.

I head into the bathroom. I want to clean my teeth. I eye Christian’s toothbrush. It would be like having him in my mouth. Hmm… Glancing guiltily over my shoulder at the door, I feel the bristles on the toothbrush. They are damp. He must have used it already. Grabbing it quickly, I squirt toothpaste on it and brush my teeth in double quick time. I feel so naughty. It’s such a thrill.

I don’t even know what to fucking say what the fuck did I just read oh my God someone save me this is the first fucking time something I read made me feel legitimately nauseous.

Bit of a pet peeve, but I cannot stand the word panties. I really can’t. It’s worse than moist. And moist is a gross word.

Ana goes back to the living room or wherever and Grey’s on the phone talking about something something something places in Africa because he’s that much of a multinational company CEO billionaire. Fuck me. I’m barely able to form sentences right now.

As we wait, I peek up at him through my lashes, and he looks out of the corner of his eyes down at me. I smile, and his lips twitch.

 

Apparently there’s something about elevators, because it makes them make out. It’s about as hot as using his toothbrush there. Basically, it’s not a hot scene. At all.

I have never been kissed like this.

I thought you said you’ve never been kissed, you idiotic, sad excuse for a fictional character.

And in case you’re wondering, the kissing bits are described exactly the way fanfiction describes kissing bits. Especially slash fics. I’m not kidding. I’m getting flashbacks here.

“You. Are. So. Sweet,” he murmurs, each word a staccato.

That’s ‘cause she just used your brush. Grey strikes me as the sort of guy who’d enjoy doing himself.

– and my very small inner goddess sways in a gentle victorious samba.

Even “china” is a better euphemism

“You’ve brushed your teeth,” he says, staring at me.
“I used your toothbrush,” I breathe.
His lips quirk up in a half smile.
“Oh, Anastasia Steele, what am I going to do with you?”

Dump her ass, ‘cause that shit’s nasty, especially if she didn’t ask if you’re okay with it. Hell, she got off on the fact that you didn’t know. Both of you are sleezeballs.

“What is it about elevators?” he mutters, more to himself than to me as he strides across the lobby.

Maybe they’re James’ turn on or something. I don’t know. Like how toothbrushes turn her on.

And that’s the end of chapter 5, I can’t believe it. What the fuck is this shit. What the fuck. I don’t even fucking know.

Now, the more worrying aspects of the characters’ personalities and their relationships are starting to show. Of course, they’re on my list of details below. I’m going to make a post after chapter 13 about how these actions and interactions are generally not okay. So keep your inner goddesses (gag) in check ‘til then.

Itsrane’s Quick List of Worrying Details:

• Ana is okay with being stripped and ogled by someone she is not in a relationship with (because he just cares).
• Ana sees no problem with brushing her teeth with her crush’s toothbrush.
• Ana already worries about displeasing or angering Christian, even before they’re officially in a relationship.
• Christian validates his use of illegal tactics to track Ana.
• Christian sees nothing wrong with undressing an unconscious woman, and either ogling her, or groping around her clothing (including worn underwear) to learn her clothing size.
• Christian invalidates Ana’s displeasure at being tracked.
• Christian makes Ana’s business his business, and scolds her for her “mistakes”.
• Christian blames Ana for José’s actions.
• Christian uses José to justify stalking Ana.
• Christian makes Ana feel like the wrong one, instead of the wronged.
• Christian orders Ana around under the guise of “caring” and “worrying” for her.
• Christian continues to shower Ana with expensive gifts she feels uncomfortable accepting.
• Christian’s demeanor continues to flip-flop, and keeps Ana confused.
• Christian sees no problem in sleeping with an unconscious girl he does not having a relationship with, without her knowledge (let alone her consent).
• James has no idea how even the most basic human behavior works.

And, once more, with feeling.

RIP

I’ve been feeling really weird today. The news that Terry Pratchett had died was the first thing I saw after putting my glasses on. His health had been bad for a while, and there were always articles and stuff about him wanting to die on his own terms, so his death wasn’t really a shock, but at the same time, it is.

My first Pratchett book was Hogfather, in 2003. I had been having a bad time for a while, and that book was the first in a while that really got me to disengage from the shit around me and that was something didn’t know I needed until then. Hogfather wasn’t my first “real book”, but it was the one that recaptured the magical joy of reading after I thought I had lost it.

So I’m going to go and read that book now, and leave one of my favorite quotes here in this post.

“All right,” said Susan, “I’m not stupid. You’re saying humans need … fantasies to make life bearable.”

No. Humans need fantasy to be human. To be the place where the falling angel meet the rising ape.

“Tooth fairies? Hogfathers?”

Yes. As practice. You have to start out learning to believe the little lies.

“So we can believe the big ones?”

Yes. Justice. Duty. Mercy. That sort of thing.

“They’re not the same at all!”

Really? Then take the universe and grind it down to the finest powder and sieve it through the finest sieve and then show me one atom of justice, one molecule of mercy. And yet you act, like there was some sort of rightness in the universe by which it may be judged

“Yes. But people have got to believe that or what’s the point?”

My point exactly.

Fifty Shades: Chapter 4. In which Itsrane is convinced that James does not live in reality

After ending in a cliffhanger of sorts, I find Ana and C-man still in their super-fanfiction or anime moment, and I should know what those moments look like, because I was really into fanfiction and anime when I was in high school.

By the way, there’s an international law that says that those years cannot be used to judge you. I don’t need to check. I know.

Anyway, Ana still can’t communicate right and begs Grey to kiss her… in her head. He’s not psychic, Ana.

C- dude, of course, doesn’t, because there needs to be some fake sort of drama first.

There’s some law about that too

“Anastasia, you should steer clear of me. I’m not the man for you,” he whispers.

Whoa, what’s this? Christian is being sane. Enjoy it while it lasts, boys and girls.

Ana thinks she should be the judge of that, because she knows him more than he knows himself. I don’t know, Ana, what if kills women and keeps them in his freezer? What if he’s an abusive guy who hides behind calling himself a dom?

Woops

Christian and Ana behave as if Ana nearly getting hit by a law-breaking cyclist is some sort of near death experience, and Ana’s psyche still screams.

Oh, and apparently, C-man pulling away leaves Ana “bereft”. That’s a bit of a strong word for this, but I guess Ana needs to feel that she’s done something with her education.

Anyway.

Ana thinks she made it pretty damn obvious that she wanted to be kissed, but unless she’s pulling a Dopey, how the fuck would Christian know if you don’t fucking say anything, you idiot.

I don’t care this is how I’m going to see it from now on

After more paranoia and self-doubt from Ana, she notes that the green man has appeared and scurried across the road and oh my God, James, do your fucking research when you’re writing about a real setting.

So green

Somehow their conversation’s course took a turn for the dramatic, and Christian’s voice is anguished and his eyes are bleak and he looks torn, frustrated, and his expression is stark, and what the fuck did I miss how did they end up in this situation?

I need to take my fragile, wounded pride away and somehow nurse it back to health.
“Good luck with your exams,” he murmurs.
H u h ? This is why he looks so desolate? This is the big send off? Just to wish me luck in my exams?
“Thanks.” I can’t disguise the sarcasm in my voice. “Goodbye, Mr. Grey.”

No, really. What the fuck did I miss?

Ana is surprised she didn’t trip when she turned on her heel, and so am I, Ana.

And when Ana’s on her own in the garage, she starts crying.

This reads like a teen’s diary when their celebrity crush gets a new girlfriend or boyfriend.

I mean, holy shit, you met the guy a few days ago. You had one proper (in the loosest sense of the word) conversation with him. And you’re crying because he didn’t kiss you or feel the same way.

I don’t even

Okay… so I was always one of the last to be picked for basketball or volleyball – but I understood that – running and doing something else at the same time like bouncing or throwing a ball is not my thing. I am a serious liability in any sporting field.

I thought being picked last for sports means you’re unpopular, not unsporty.

Also, like all things, practice helps. Sure, there’s talent, but talent is useless without practice. And practice means you suck a little less than before.

What I’m saying is Ana believes she’s hopeless and helpless. Not a good thing. Ask any mental care professional.

Now Ana goes through the list of her faults. I’m going to list them here. You ready?

1. Too pale
2. Too skinny
3. Too scruffy
4. Uncoordinated
5. List goes on

Maybe James thinks it’s cute or endearing that a character is so self-conscious and doesn’t know her own appeal, but really, no. No, it isn’t. But let’s forget that and talk about Ana here.

She lists her faults as if they’re utter deal-breakers, and there is no changing them. But what if she is “too” pale? Is that a bad thing? Some people like being pale. Some people think pale is attractive. She can get a tan and not be as pale if she wants. Too skinny can be addressed with diet and exercise. And unless she’s unhealthily skinny, it seems like a self-consciousness or body image type thing. That’s no good.

I really have an issue with her thinking being too scruffy is a fault that belongs on a list. Too scruffy is something that’s completely in a person’s hand. You’re too scruffy by choice. You don’t like being scruffy, you fix it. Uncoordinated, maybe you wouldn’t be if you hadn’t given up on sports. Does Ana really think everyone is born the way they are? No one just knows how to walk in heels, everyone who does learned to do so before they graduated to those break-neck stilettos people love and hate (and love to hate). Personally, dressing to the nines is pretty low on my priorities list, but that doesn’t mean I don’t know how to when I want or need to, and it also doesn’t mean that I’m unhappy with my state. If I was, I’d work to change it. Like everything else in life, shit takes effort. And it’s pretty clear that Ana is unready and unwilling to put that effort into anything.

Ana then goes on to say that she’s always been the one to rebuff any admirers. I’m sorry, what? How do you go from “I’m not worthy” to “I turned down everyone”? Even if you were not interested, that does not change the fact that there have been people who were interested.

…no one has ever sparked my interest – no one except Christian damn Grey.

Hey, guys, if you’re never interested in anyone, it’s okay, because Mr. or Miss Right will come along and fix that for you.

Just figments of the imagination

 

Ana thinks she just needs a good cry, but I thought that’s what you’re doing, Ana, or did you forget?

Stop! Stop Now! – My subconscious is metaphorically screaming at me, arms folded, leaning on one leg and tapping her foot in frustration.

So Ana makes it home. Kate behaves like a proper friend would when she sees that Ana is not okay.

Oh no… not the Katherine Kavanagh Inquisition.

No. Just no. This is not an Inquisition. Kate does not want some fucking juicy gossip. She sees that her friend and roommate is in a bad state and acts exactly how a normal, functioning human would act. She’s fucking worried about you, you dumb shit. And don’t compare normal fucking questions to shit like the Spanish Inquisition (among others).

I shake my head at her in a back-off now Kavanagh way – but I might as well be dealing with a blind, deaf mute.

Kate also treats nearly getting knocked down by a cyclist like it’s some sort of traumatic experience. Not saying that it isn’t dangerous, but damnit, it wasn’t even a close call, Grey pulled her out of the way pretty quickly. He was even holding her hand when she tripped, she didn’t fall all the way. Not to mention the cyclist just “whips past” her. If it was as close as call as these three chucklefucks make it seem, the guy would have braked, swerved, yelled, something!

Kate asks Ana about the coffee, saying she knows Ana hates coffee. Because being asked out for coffee means that you have to have coffee, no exceptions, and if you don’t, you’re a deviant or something.

Drink this or have your dating privileges revoked.

Apparently, Kate completely forgot her “consternation” in the face of Ana’s obvious infatuation last chapter. And how she told her friend he was “bad news” especially to people like Ana. Now she’s all about them liking each other again. Either Kate has a problem, or James can’t remember what she wrote a few pages ago. When Ana says that Grey is out of her league, Kate immediately jumps to the conclusion that it’s about money. Was there a human-wide memo that people are only allowed to have relationships with people who are in the same income bracket? If there is, I didn’t get it. Kate also asks if Ana wants to see the article and photos, because the best thing to do with an upset person is to show them what made them upset in the first place. It’s the best way to get your mind off it, really.

So Ana distracts herself with her studying, and only allows herself to think of what happened that morning when she’s in bed, because that’s how you get a full night’s restful sleep.

I keep coming back to the ‘I don’t do the girlfriend thing’ quote, and I’m angry that I didn’t pounce on this information sooner, when I was in his arms mentally begging him with every fiber of my being to kiss me. He’d said it there and then.

No fucking shit.

And what the fuck is up with her “mentally begging him”. If she didn’t fucking say it, there’s no reason to believe he knows, because people don’t read minds. You know what, fuck it.

I’m convinced this is what happened

Maybe he’s saving himself. Well not for you, my sleepy subconscious has a final swipe at me before unleashing itself on my dreams.

I really think James has never had a sleepless night in her life, because this line of thinking is the best way to spend the night tossing and turning and worrying and holy fucking shit this pisses me off so much.

Suddenly, Ana’s finishing up her last exam. Because dealing with rejection while trying to study and take exams does not make for good conflict or character growth, or anything like that. Nope.

I feel the Cheshire cat grin spread over my face.

Like this?

 

Ana feels the need to celebrate the end of exams. She might even get drunk this time. She’s never been drunk before. I wonder if James included this detail to make Ana seem more innocent, but really, it just makes it seem like Christian is a bigger creep than he is later on in the story.

 

I did it again, sorry

I guess a lot of people celebrate the end of the semester this way, but my celebration involves crashing into bed for 12+ hours to make up for all the lost sleep. I can celebrate with friends after. Sleep first.

I glance across the sports hall at Kate, and she’s still scribbling furiously, five minutes to the end.

Is… is this a thing? In university? Ever? Why is the exam in a sports hall? Why are they in the same exam area? Are they taking the same class? What the actual fuck?

I’m currently a graduate student. I’ve never had this sort of exam situation, except once. In high school. While taking a standardized test. Every other fucking exam was in a classroom, with classmates. And let me tell you something, I’ve been to ten different schools before graduating high school, in four different countries. I went to university on two different continents. This shit does not fucking happen.

This is it, the end of my academic career.

I just need to remind everyone that in the first chapter, Grey asks Ana about her plans after graduation, and she said that she has not made any plans. From the way she describes herself and her family, she isn’t exactly in the position to be so dismissive. Like, how are you going to pay your bills? She just plans on sticking around Kate. Like a symbiont, or a parasite.

I shall never have to sit in rows of anxious, isolated students again.

Inside I’m doing graceful cartwheels around my head, knowing full well that’s the only place I can do graceful cartwheels.

Kate stops writing and puts her pen down. She glances across at me, and I catch her Cheshire cat smile too.

When the two of them get back to their place, Kate finds a package for Ana. I wonder who would send Ana a package. Ana notes that there’s no sender name or return address. I’ll get back to this in a bit.

Inside, Ana finds some first edition volumes of Tess of the D’Urbervilles.

Kate searches for the book to get an idea of how much they cost.

“I’ve found one Tess first edition for sale in New York at $14,000. But yours looks in much better condition. They must have cost more.” Kate is consulting her good friend Google.

So, James does know that you can use Google to research shit, so why doesn’t she, the lazy hag.

Anyway, back to the package. Ana notes that there is no return name or address. And there are three books in there priced at over $14,000. I dunno about you guys, but if I was getting something that expensive delivered, I’d include a return address. I’d also require signature on delivery. You don’t leave shit that valuable unattended like that! I recently ordered a laptop. They would not just leave it at the door, someone had to receive it and sign the proof of delivery. And what if the thing got lost on the way? With no return address, the package is lost. Unless Grey had it dropped off, instead of mailed, and I can see Ana not knowing the difference. I can see James not knowing the difference too.

There was a card with a quote from the book, and in case you don’t want to go find it, here it is:

Why didn’t you tell me there was danger? Why didn’t you warn me?
Ladies know what to guard against, because they read novels that tell them of these tricks.

Wow. Let’s spend a minute to think about how that sounds like some rape apologist logic. You should have known, why are you traumatized, it’s your fault. Ana’s also struck by the “irony” of having spent three whole hours writing about Tom Hardy’s novel, and hate to break it to you, but that’s not irony. That’s a coincidence. Ana thinks the card is a warning, and I don’t really disagree. She also says that the quote is what Tess said to her mother after Alec D’Urberville “has had his wicked way with her”. It’s rape, pure and simple. So Grey wrote a quote about a woman getting raped. Let’s think on that a bit.

Nope, I’m out.

Ana decides to do something sensible (shock, I know) and send the books back “with an equally baffling quote from some obscure part of the book”. That… kind of doesn’t make sense. How can part of a book be obscure? Kate suggests the bit where Angel Clare says fuck off, and I’m sorry, that’s probably not an obscure part of the book if there were obscure parts.

I love Kate, she’s so loyal and supportive.

Except for the parts where you bitch and moan about her, like how dare she get sick, or how she’s controlling, and, you know what, there are examples in all of the previous posts that show how Ana is always moaning about Kate. Shut the fuck up, Ana.

So Ana and Kate head out to a bar and there are lots of soon to be graduates there celebrating. Jacob is there too, even though he won’t graduate for another year, and why the fuck should he be excluded, everyone fucking celebrates the end of the semester, not just seniors, what the fuck James did you ever even have an education? And shouldn’t Jacob be graduating anyway? Ana says he’s the first person she met when she arrived at the university, so why isn’t he graduating? Ana describes how hot Kate is in her outfit while she’s more of a Converse and jeans sort of girl, and if you’re gonna bitch about your “scruffiness” that’s a good place to start, you fucking idiot. I’m just going to skim the clusterfuck that is their bar celebration, ‘cause fuck this shit.

Ana drunk-dials C-dude to ask why he sent her the books with a rape quote. She also wonders how he knew it was her, and I’d cut her slack ‘cause she’s drunk, but I’m pretty sure she’d be surprised if she wasn’t and Ana it’s because people recognize numbers or they save your number under your fucking name. C-man is concerned about her, which is cute, especially since he sent her a quote about rape to warn her away. She also pulls a “no, u” when he says she sounds strange. C-man realizes that Ana’s drunk and starts interrogating asking where she’s at because he’s so concerned. It doesn’t take long for him to go from asking questions to making demands. Because that’s so hot. She also hangs up on him without getting an answer about the books. Go, Drunk Ana, I guess.

It takes ‘til she gets to the bathroom stall to realize that she just drunk-dialed Christian Grey, and to go back to her muttering, timid self. He calls her to tell her he’s coming to get her (not even a hello or goodbye, where are your manners).

Only Christian Grey could sound so calm and so threatening at the same time.

Really? Only Christian Grey?

Ana gets worried that he’d really turn up, then remembered that he didn’t know where she was, because she didn’t tell him, but we already established that he’s a bit of a stalker (remember when he turned up at Clayton’s, Ana?). Ana acknowledges she’s drunk, but has some beer anyway. Because the best way to combat tequila-drunk is by getting beer-drunk. Ana goes out to get some fresh air, and Jacob follows her. I can see where this is going, but it’s okay, he loves her. He doesn’t take no for an answer, even though she’s begging him to stop. Luckily C-man makes a heroic appearance and gets Jacob to back off. Ana wonders how Grey found her. The tension proves too much for poor little Ana.

My stomach heaves, and I double over, my body no longer able to tolerate the alcohol, and I vomit spectacularly on to the ground.
“Ugh – Dios mio, Ana!” José jumps back in disgust. Grey grabs my hair and pulls it out of the firing line and gently leads me over to a raised flowerbed on the edge of the parking lot.

So, basically Jacob didn’t take no for an answer then got majorly grossed out because his drunk “friend” is freaking out and puked as a result. Charming. I get some people have serious problems with certain body fluids, but come on. At least feel a bit guilty or some shit, you entitled prick. Any points in his favor he got before are gone.

Christian acts nice and holds Ana’s hair out of the way, and acts like a good friend. Ana keeps puking and attributes it to the drink. I dunno, I think Jacob’s stunt didn’t help at all. She vows to never drink again, but we’ll see, won’t we, Christian?

And, is it just me or did C-man pull her aside to vomit in a flowerbed? That can’t be good for the flowers.

Christian hands Ana his own personal handkerchief, because he cares that much.

Only he would have a monogrammed, freshly laundered, linen handkerchief. CTG. I didn’t know you could still buy these.

You can buy anything on the internet, Ana. I got someone one of those wax seal stamp things with a family crest. What a time to be alive.

Ana’s embarrassed and ashamed of herself, and I’m not going to fault her for that. This sort of shit really makes you feel bad. I’m feeling awful just thinking about it.

I want to be swallowed up by the azaleas in the flowerbed and be anywhere but here.

So she did puke on the flowers.

So José’s still there, looking shamefaced and intimidated by Grey. I really hope that’s not just because of Grey, cause he did a shitty thing and being ashamed is the least he could do.

“I’ll err… see you inside,” José mutters, but we both ignore him, and he slinks off back into the building.

Sure, dude, whatever you say

And Ana starts freaking out about being alone with Grey. Again. She apologizes for the phone call.

“We’ve all been here, perhaps not quite as dramatically as you,” he says dryly.

But… none of that was really dramatic, was it? That was a really tame drunk dial.

What the hell has it got to do with him? I didn’t invite him here. He sounds like a middle aged man scolding me like an errant child.

Oh, look, a spine. Wonder how long it’s going to last.

Grey wants to take Ana home, and Ana wants to tell Kate first. Good idea. Grey says that his brother will tell her. Just gonna say, don’t trust someone to do your shit for you, especially if it’s someone who’s pretty much a stranger who’s taking drunk-you home. It could be a life and death situation, you never know.

Ana wonders how Christian found her, and he says he tracked her cellphone.

And creepy

Oh, of course he did. How is that possible? Is it legal? Stalker, my subconscious whispers at me through the cloud of tequila that’s still floating in my brain,

YES, ANA, LISTEN TO YOUR SUBCONSCIOUS.

but somehow, because it’s him, I don’t mind.

You got it, aaand you lost it. Good job

Ana insists on telling Kate herself (YES) which Christian doesn’t seem to like, but he lets her. I don’t give a shit what you don’t like, C-dude, if you care about Ana, you’d be happy she’s being safe. Asshole.

They head back into the bar to find Kate, but she’s dancing and José had disappeared. To wallow in his shame or start down the path towards repentance or something, hopefully. But I’m not holding my breath.

Christian takes Ana to the bar, where he’s of course served immediately, because everyone out there knows Christian Grey on sight. Except Ana. She didn’t know who he was or what he looked like until that interview. More evidence to illustrate how dumb she is. She doesn’t hear what he orders. He hands her a glass and orders her to drink. Charming.

The moving lights are twisting and turning in time to the music casting strange colored light and shadows all over the bar and the clientele. He’s alternately green, blue, white, and a demonic red. He’s watching me intently. I take a tentative sip.

Are they in a bar or a club? I don’t think James knows the difference.

Grey shouts at Ana to drink the whole thing. Charming.

Oh Ana… are you ever going to live this down? My subconscious is figuratively tutting and glaring at me over her half moon specs.

The idiot then drinks the whole fucking glass. Why. How the fuck do you know what’s in the damn thing? You were just thinking about how everyone knows him and he gets what he wants and all that shit, and what if he slipped something in there, you idiot.

Then he takes her dancing.

 

I thought he was going to take her home and he didn’t want her going back inside for her jacket and bag and to tell Kate where she is. Maybe he’s waiting for the roofies to work their magic.

Boy, he can dance, and I can’t believe that I’m following him step for step.

In the back of my mind, my mother’s often recited warning comes to me: Never trust a man who can dance.

I get what James means by this, but Grey doesn’t have a history or reputation as a womanizer so what the fuck is this supposed to mean?

They dance over to Kate who is dancing with Christian’s brother, Elliot. And apparently Kate really likes him.

Even in my inebriated state, I am shocked. She’s only just met him.

Christian talks to his brother, who talks to Kate, and then whisks Ana away. I’m pretty sure you shouldn’t hinge your safety on club bar Telephone.

But I never got to talk to her. Is she okay? I can see where things are heading for her and him. I need to do the safe sex lecture. In the back of my mind, I hope she reads one of the posters on the back of the toilet doors.

My head begins to swim, oh no… and I can feel the floor coming up to meet my face or so it feels. The last thing I hear before I pass out in Christian Grey’s arms is his harsh epithet.
“Fuck!”

Roofies. I knew it.

And that’s it for this chapter. I’m trying to write more, but the book is so damn hard to read. I’m really wondering if I’m reading the same thing people are raving about. Because this is shit. It’s horribly written. Anyone with a brain who has read anything else would tell you it’s shit. And Twilight doesn’t count as anything else. I don’t care if you fucking like it, but stop going on about how it’s amazingly written because it’s fucking not. I have guilty pleasures too, but that doesn’t mean I won’t acknowledge their shitty aspects.

Itsrane’s Quick List of Worrying Details:

• Ana either cannot or would not communicate clearly, and expects people to know what she wants when she “mentally begs”.
• Ana is not happy with her “faults” but does nothing to try to fix them, even though she can do something about the ones she listed with lifestyle changes.
• Ana prefers to be passive, and lets things happen to her instead of actively pursuing what she wants.
• Ana is literal minded, as she assumes that people always have coffee when they go out for coffee.
• Ana either does not want, or is incapable of, distinguishing between her friend wanting some juicy gossip, or the same friend being concerned for her, and refers to any questions as an “Inquisition”.
• Ana cannot envision another reason to party except her own; when she went out to celebrate their upcoming graduation, she does not even think that others may celebrate the end of the year, or that they may be celebrating with other people (or even going out for the sake of going out).
• Ana does not mind Christian doing something very immoral and illegal, despite her not knowing the man.
• Ana drinks something Christian gave her without even finding out what was in the glass.
• Christian locates Ana by tracking her phone. This is stalking.
• Christian feels justified in tracking Ana and showing up unannounced.
• Christian is annoyed by Ana’s insistence of informing her friend of her location. This is not an inconvenience. It is staying safe.
• Christian gives Ana a drink and orders her to drink it. He could have easily slipped something into the drink, or bribed someone to do it for him.
• Christian sees that Ana does not like to dance, yet drags her to the dance floor anyway.
• Christian does not give Ana the chance to talk to her friend. He instead gives the information he wants to share to his brother to pass on to Kate. Ana does not know what he said to Elliot.
• James does not know how higher education works. Exams are not given in sports halls. Exams are not given to a mix of students from different classes and majors in the same hall.
• James does not know the difference between a club and a bar.
• James’ characters flip-flop. They are against something on a page, and for it a few pages later. Kate still has not made up her mind about whether Ana should be with Christian, or if he is bad news. Ana has not made up her mind about whether Kate is a controlling bitch or her best friend forever. Christian wants to leave immediately and is annoyed by the idea of finding Kate, but goes dancing once they are inside.
• James probably does not keep notes about her stories, and it shows in the way the characters cannot decide what sort of personality they want to exhibit, and how their opinions change from one page to the next.
• James knows what Google is and has absolutely no excuse to not research.

Fifty Shades: Chapter 3. In which Itsrane wonders how the fuck did this shit get published

Alright. Time to have a look at chapter 3 of this train-wreck book. I thought I knew what I was getting into, but I was wrong. I thought, “Hey, let me focus on the social/relational parts of this book.” And here I am. I know, I know, I’m still at chapter 3, and there are 23 more chapters to go.
Anyway, let’s get started.

So Ana tells her worst best friend that for some reason, Christian Grey just happened to walk into an independent store way out of the way of his usual areas and he just happened to run into Ana, nothing suspicious there, nope, and that he had offered to make himself available for a photoshoot. Kate is of course happy, and I guess the awesome photos would make up for the plot device to get Ana and C-man to meet for the first time interview that doesn’t really have a point even though she said it was good, she’s probably humoring her roommate. Kate asks the important question here, why was Grey in the area anyway, and thinks it could be ‘cause he wants to see Ana. Ana continues to mutter her way through conversations and tells Kate what Grey said he was doing, which is stalking funding some research. Ana’s surprised that Kate knows how large the grant is, and Kate says the first sane thing I’ve read her say so far, that she’s a written a profile on the guy and of course she knows this. Ana responds by being snappy and calling Kate “Carla Burnstein”, like, jfc Ana, have you used your brain at all so far, or have you had people spelling shit out for you your entire life, and if James thinks this is cute it fucking isn’t.

Anyway.

So Ana somehow got the guy’s number, which he doesn’t give out to anyone, you guys, so you should all know how special Ana is. She starts entertaining the thought that he really does like her, even though just last chapter she thought he was laughing at her and being all self-conscious to be sympathetic and/or totally adorbs but really just comes across as someone who may suffer from some sort of paranoid delusions.

I hug myself with quiet glee, rocking from side to side, entertaining the possibility that he might like me for one brief moment.

…I don’t even know where James is going with this. I really don’t. Who the hell even does this. Has anyone ever seen something like this happen outside of cartoons/series/movies aimed at adolescents or younger?
It’s not cute, it’s childish as fuck.

Kate quickly loses any trace of intelligence she may have displayed earlier but wondering where they’d find a photographer on short notice ‘cause the usual dude is away, and didn’t you just celebrate some guy’s photos getting into some gallery or some shit how does that sort of info slip your mind? Not to mention getting photographers is easy, especially in a university which offers a degree in journalism.

Ana suggests Jacob, which Kate thinks is an amazing idea, because isn’t that smart as fuck anyone with 2 brain cells would have figured that out when Jacob first made his appearance. Ana thinks Kate should call Grey, which is dumb as fuck, if some guy who never gives his number to anyone gives you his number, you shouldn’t be fucking sharing that number with other people, that’s how you get on people’s shitlists. But Kate says that Ana should do it because she’s “the one in the relationship”.
Wait. What. What relationship? Did I miss something? Kate, what the fuck. Ana also thinks Kate’s being dumb because she only met the guy a couple of times, and Kate reveals her envy by saying at least Ana met him, like, what the fuck, if you wanted to meet him so bad, you’d battle your damn flu and not send some other person to meet him and what the fuck is this fuckery. Besides, the asshole’s going to be at the fucking photoshoot and you can fucking meet him in person there, you fucking idiot.

I’m sorry, I’ll stop now.

Kate bosses Ana and hangs up rudely, and Ana responds by staring at her phone and sticking her tongue out at it, and I’m sorry, I can’t you guys, does James think this is an anime or something, I’m laughing so hard and not in the good way.

Ana continues to do her own personal shit during work hours, because that’s totally appropriate, especially since Paul comes in and says they’re busy.

Paul asks Ana out for drinks, and Ana says no. Her reasons start off sane – thinking dating your boss’s brother is a bad idea – then devolve to this gem;

Paul is cute in a whole-some all-American boy-next-door kind of way, but he’s no literary hero, not by any stretch of the imagination.

What the fuck. Seriously what the fuck. Here’s a guy who seems to like me and is good and dependable and he’s cute but I want a guy like the ones from the fictional books. That’s a really healthy attitude. And how the fuck does Ana think she can hold out for a hero when she said she’s average and unremarkable does she really think heroes what that? I just. What.

Credit: http://www.harkavagrant.com/

Is Grey? My subconscious asks me, her eyebrow figuratively raised.

I slap her down.

Instead of saying no to Paul’s offer, Ana comes up with some excuses, like studying. If you don’t want to go out with the guy, be clear. Jfc, no wonder he keeps asking.

Oh, wait.

“Ana, one of these days, you’ll say yes,” he smiles.

That’s not perseverance, that’s creepy.

Oh, wait. I forgot what I was reading.

So, back to the plot, weak as it is.

Jacob says he does places, not people, which is a legitimate thing, because there are lots of different types of photography and they’re different. That’s like asking an artist who does watercolor landscapes to create a sculpture since they’re both art.

Ana tries begging, but is interrupted by Kate, who actually threatens to not do what she previously promised to do if the guy doesn’t do the photoshoot. Ana thinks she’s awesomely tough. I think she’s blackmailing a guy and is okay with breaking promises.

She means bitch.

José agrees to do it, because blackmail is cool.

“Good. Ana will call back with the location and the call time. We’ll see you tomorrow.” She snaps my cell phone shut.

Not even a thank you?

Kate’s tyranny continues and she orders Ana to call Grey right the fuck now, with an exclamation point. So Ana calls C-man to set up a time and place for the photoshoot.

I can almost hear his sphinx-like smile through the phone.

…Okay, Ana.

I need to remember to ignore the writing crap, or I’ll never be done with this.

I am all gushing and breathy – like a child, not a grown woman who can vote and drink legally in the State of Washington.

Not going to touch that. Moving on.

I visualize the wicked gleam in his gray eyes. How can he make seven little words hold so much tantalizing promise?

Because you have an overactive imagination, Ana.

Kate is in the kitchen, and she’s staring at me with a look of complete and utter consternation on her face.

“Anastasia Rose Steele. You like him! I’ve never seen or heard you so, so… affected by anyone before. You’re actually blushing.”

…Why “consternation”?

And what is this, middle school? Why is Kate making such a big deal out of Ana feeling attracted to someone?

Ana says that blushing is an occupational hazard, and that she “rarely throws her toys out of the pram”. Is this an American expression? But we’ve already established that James can’t research anything.

Ana continues to be mad at Kate, and has some sexy dark dreams, and apparently waking up twice during the night means she’s going to look like shit the next day, oh sweetie.

The next day, Kate continues to be an utter pain and control-freak, but that’s okay because it’s her beauty and commanding manner and that’s totally cool. Grey shows up, and of course, Ana stops functioning… well, not that she was that functional before, but still.

His unruly hair is still damp from a shower.

That’s how you show up for a photoshoot..?

Ana shakes Christian’s hand and we’re subject to the electric current of sexy sexy hormones True Love.

Oh my… he really is, quite… wow.

This shit got published.

Ana introduces Kate, muttering, of course. Special attention is paid to how she can look him “squarely in the eye”, and how she manages to shake his hand without batting an eyelid. Ana seems to think this is because Kate went to the best private schools in Washington. No, Ana, it’s called having some self-confidence, money doesn’t automatically make you confident. Ana is in awe of her, but then again, Ana is probably in awe of a snail’s ability to give no fucks and not hurry anywhere.

Fuck your hurry

Grey apparently suffers from some self-confidence issues because he seems threatened by the presence of MEN in the room.

He is also “momentarily” blinded by the lighting they’re using for the shoot, which is hilarious, because anyone who has ever been in a studio knows the lighting is pretty diffused, and the only the flash is really disturbingly bright (and lasts all of a fraction of a second).

So bright!

It’s pretty obvious that James doesn’t really know much about photography because she’s trying to make José seem busy but all I’m getting is he’s fucking around without knowing the first thing about taking effective photos. But I’m not going to blame José, I’m going to blame James. He also ends the photoshoot without double checking the images because James is dumb as shit. It would be hilarious if it turned out that half the images were out of focus and the rest are catastrophically over- or under-exposed, but that would require at least some idea of what goes on in a photoshoot. Then again, it’s really no surprise that James can’t take 3 minutes to Google some info on something.

So, it’s over, José scowls at Grey. José seems to be the only sane person in this sad group of idiots. C-dude asks Ana out for coffee. Ana thinks it’s ‘cause she looks like she hasn’t woken up yet, because that’s why people ask other people out for coffee, and see, Ana, even if you had the dough to go to the bestest private schools in the country or whatever, that amount of doubt in yourself comes from one place, and that’s within you.
James, this isn’t cute. This is fucking fucked up.

And of course, Ana’s subconscious makes another appearance. It’s not even good at being a subconscious.

Kate, surprisingly, seems to think Grey is bad news, especially to someone like Ana. Wow, some sanity? But I know this isn’t going to last long, because True Love.

I am going to have coffee with Christian Grey… and I hate coffee.

Of course you do, Ana.

They head to the elevator, and when it opens, they see a couple in a “passionate clinch” who get embarrassed and shit, and I can’t really think of a reason why this is in here or why anyone thought it was a good idea, because that’s such a cliché thing to encounter in a hotel elevator. The elevator ride is awkward and there wasn’t even “trashy piped” music to break the silence, and I’ve heard of lots of ways to describe elevator music, but I’ve never heard “trashy”, especially in a high class hotel like the one they’re obviously in.

At the coffee shop, Ana asks for English Breakfast tea, because of course that’s what she drinks.

While C-man is ordering their drinks at the counter like a peasant, Ana watches him and gives us a list of things Christian is;

1. Tall
2. Broad-shouldered
3. Slim
4. Wears flattering pants

(Seriously though, this isn’t the first time she brought up the pants)

Ana gives her teabag a quick dunk in the pot, wasting a perfectly good teabag, ‘cause she likes her tea “black and weak”, Ana, there’s weak tea, then there’s slightly discolored water. I actually tried that out, you don’t notice anything in the water if you steep if for like 10 seconds.

Left, teabag was submerged for 15 seconds. Right, 2 minutes. I tried it out. Yes, I went there.

Christian interrogates Ana… I mean, he asks her about José and her status as a single lady. Then he asks about Paul. Ana thinks his questions are getting silly. I think they’re kind of creepy. He also says she’s honest, and a mystery. Gotta agree with Christian here, it’s a mystery how she functions, really. He also says she’s self-contained, except when she blushes, but we already established that blushing is an “occupational hazard” of being Ana, so basically, she’s not self-contained. Because James’ memory is worse than a goldfish’s.

Ana thinks maybe it would have been better if Kate interviewed Grey, and seems to feel a bit of jealousy at the thought of them together, and again brings up Kate’s beauty, because it’s been a couple of minutes since we heard about Ana’s paranoia insecurities. And a side-note, two control freaks together would usually start butting heads pretty quickly.

Grey continues to interrogate Ana, and it really sounds more like some sort of evaluation rather than a date. Ana answers all his questions, yet he still says that she’s “not giving much away”, I’m sorry, what? She’s giving too much away for a first proper meeting. He brings up the “probing” questions from the interview, I’m sorry, what? Those were interview questions. Shut the fuck up.

Ana thinks she’s going to need intensive therapy to not feel embarrassed at those memories, and I seriously think she needs intensive therapy like a decade ago to treat her paranoia insecurities, general lack of self-esteem and assertiveness, and seeming to be incapable of functioning like a responsible adult. She tries to override the memory by giving the man her family history. I’m surprised she didn’t tell him what sort of medical conditions ran in her family as well.

She also describes her mother’s schemes as “harebrained” to a guy she just met who knows nothing about her mother. How nice. She describes Ray as taciturn, which Grey turns around to describe her, and I’m sorry, she’s been babbling, she’s the opposite of taciturn.

Side note, I don’t really think antisocial and speechless should be there, but that’s just me

And of course, Ray likes soccer. European soccer, Ana emphasizes. Because that narrows it down a lot.

Unless he enjoys ALL of them?

Grey keeps grilling Ana, and Ana clearly finds it uncomfortable, but doesn’t tell him so. Boundaries are important, Ana.

Ana, in a surprising show of assertiveness, asks C-man about his family, and he clearly doesn’t like it, and Ana backs off without him saying so and oh my GOD, what is it with these people and their failure to communicate like real fucking people, and this being a book is no fucking excuse, I expect some realistic humanity from the characters in a book, okay?

“I’ve never left mainland USA.” So now we’re back to banalities. What is he hiding?

So the conversation turns to “banalities”, like where Ana would like to travel, because anything that isn’t deeply personal is obviously dull or something. So Grey asks if Ana would like to go to Paris.

This has thrown me – who wouldn’t want to go to Paris?

A lot of people, Ana. People are different. And have different likes and dislikes and wishes and goals and aspirations.

Off topic: I’ve been to Paris. It was kind of underwhelming. France as a whole was kind of underwhelming. I lived an hour’s walk away from the border for a while. I know a lot of people love France, and I know a lot of people who hate France. I just found it really really underwhelming.

Back to the story.

Ana, of course, really wants to visit England. Because England. Also James. C-man wants reasons. Ana lists a bunch of authors even people who don’t study English literature know. I’m surprised James didn’t include her name there too.

Mentioning books reminds Ana that exams! Need to study! and Grey offers to walk her to her car. I’m sorry. He commands her along. I’m not even going to bother. He also questions her denim. Okay. Ana asks if he had a girlfriend, and Grey says no.

Oh… what does that mean? He’s not gay? Oh, maybe he is – crap! He must have lied to me in his interview. And for a moment, I think he’s going to follow on with some explanation, some clue to this cryptic statement – but he doesn’t.

What cryptic statement? You asked if he had a girlfriend and he said no, there’s nothing fucking cryptic about it, you fucking idiot.

Ana is again delightfully clumsy and trips into the road. Christian saves her from being run over by a bicycle. This leads to some… weird… interaction between the two of them where Ana sniffs Grey like a bloodhound, and Grey traces her face, including her lower lip. I’ve only read this sort of shit in fanfiction—oh. Wait. Right. I forgot the origin of this book.

He has one arm around me, clasping me to him, while the fingers of his other hand softly trace my face, gently probing, examining me. His thumb brushes my lower lip, and I hear his breath hitch. He’s staring into my eyes, and I hold his anxious, burning gaze for a moment or maybe it’s forever… but eventually, my attention is drawn to his beautiful mouth. Oh my. And for the first time in twenty-one years, I want to be kissed. I want to feel his mouth on me.

This shit got published.

And with that, end chapter.

Oh my God.

Itsrane’s Quick List of Worrying Details:

• Ana does not seem to see anything wrong with rescinding promises or blackmail, and even celebrates Kate’s use of these tactics.
• Ana shows more signs of having issues with her self-esteem.
• Ana lacks the ability to put up and enforce realistic boundaries.
• Ana still seems incapable of judging whether questions and/or topics of conversation are appropriate or not.
• Ana is not capable of clearly communicating her discomfort at certain situations or questions.
• Christian takes liberties with using Ana’s name, but does not extend the same courtesy to Ana by inviting her to use his first name rather than the more formal Mr. Grey.
• Christian puts Ana at a disadvantage, power-wise, by implicitly denying her the ability to use his first name, therefore remaining in control of the interactions.
• Christian asks personal, probing questions, even though Ana is visibly uncomfortable with them.
• Christian does not like being asked personal, probing questions, even though he is perfectly okay with being the questioner.
• James still tries to make Ana seem cute or innocent, but only manages to make her seem out of touch with reality at best.
• James does not seem to know how natural conversations go.
• James does not seem to know what topics would be discussed in a conversation, especially when said conversation is the first non-work related conversation the two characters engage in.
• James still needs to research.

Fifty Shades: Chapter 2. In which Itsrane brings the reviews back from the dead

Wow, has it really been that long?

It’s hard to slog through this book, and real life has more pressing matters. Like a mountain of papers that I actually enjoy writing, or would if I didn’t leave it ‘til the night before. This is kind of a prerequisite to being a student, really.

So, what’s new? Obviously the Fifty Shades movie is out, and everyone is aflutter. My forgotten blog suddenly got a surge of views, and I’m assuming it’s because of that. Awesome. Now that I remember I actually have a blog, I’ll get back to reviewing this… charming piece of crap literature.

Previously, on this tiny blog

So, I was introduced with our heroine protagonist main character, Miss Anastasia Steele, who, apparently, made it all the way to university by luck alone, because she has the social skills and awareness of a gnat. She whines and rages about how her pretty friend dared to get sick before an important interview and allowed herself to be sent instead. She interviewed talked to gaped at hunky young billionaire and wannabe-philosopher Christian Grey, and omg there were sparks you guys that’s totally a sign that they need to do the sex at each other. Ana fucks up the weak excuse for an interview like only she can, and they part and end chapter. Moving on.

And please remember I’m mostly focusing on the characters and their behaviors and interactions, not the sex ‘cause oh em gee that’s what everyone focuses on and anyone who doesn’t like Fifty Shades is just a prude or some shit. I used to read fanfiction. I don’t think anything out there can make me clutch my pearls anymore.

Chapter 2!

So our dear Ana rushes out of the building kind of like a squirrel escaping from a dog. Luckily, she’s a bit more graceful this time and manages to only stumble out of the elevator. Good job, girl!

Apparently no man has ever affected Ana that way before, which is kind of mind-boggling because it seems to me that everyone and their dog seem to affect Ana in the makes-her-a-bigger-dummy-than-usual way.

Is it his looks? His civility? Wealth? Power? I don’t understand my irrational reaction.

That’s why it’s called irrational, Ana. Shit, girl.

Anyway.

Ana starts to feel embarrassed over how the interview went, and naturally, it’s all dear Kate’s fault for not providing a brief biography. I wonder if Ana sits around waiting for her professors to provide the research and resources for her papers, too, because it seems like the sort of thing she’d do. At this point, though, I’m starting to blame Kate myself. If I knew my friend was this flaky I’d write a script for her. Actually, no. If I knew my friend was like Ana, I wouldn’t give her anything important to do.

So Ana’s driving back, and woops! I thought we were in the clear for a second there, but Ana goes back to blaming Kate for some of the questions, like, shit, girl, don’t you comprehend the questions before reading them out loud or are you that brainless. And if you really had to ask those questions, there are tactful ways of framing them, but we’re talking about Ana here who blames people for getting sick.

Ana realizes she’s driving more cautiously than usual because she’s unconsciously obeying Chris-dude or some shit, I don’t know.

As I hit the 1-5, I realize I can drive as fast as I want.

lol

So now we get more information about Ana’s living arrangements.
Are you ready, guys? Are you?

Get this, dear Kate’s parents bought the apartment for their daughter, and Ana gets to stay there paying “peanuts for rent”. Yet Ana has the gall to whine and rage about Kate ruining her groove or something by asking her to do something any friend would gladly do for a friend unless something bigger is going on. If last chapter’s whining didn’t do it, this should revoke Ana’s whine card for good.

And then, we get this lovely bit about dear Kate.

She’s clearly been studying for finals – though she’s still in her pink flannel pajamas decorated with cute little rabbits, the ones she reserves for the aftermath of breaking up with boyfriends, for assorted illnesses, and for general moody depression.

General. Moody. Depression. Holy shit. I really hope this shows just how fucking out of touch E. L. James is. Depression isn’t general. Depression isn’t moody. Anyone with depression (or an iota of empathy) will tell you that’s not fucking depression. E. L. James, go choke on a dildo, because you’re an idiot. Anyone who had read this and okay’d its publication can go choke on the same dildo, because at best they’re ignorant and uninformed (and that’s not an excuse for anything, least of all in this day and age of google), and at worst they know exactly what they’re doing, in which case they can go choke on one of those novelty dildos that show exactly why bigger isn’t always better. Calling “being blue” “general moody depression” is like saying you’re OCD for wanting your desk a certain way or feeling a little ADHD today, it’s wrong. Stop it.

Summary of rant: real depression’s serious business. Anyone involved with this piece of shit is an asshole. Moving on.

Back to the lovely callous bit up there. Apparently, it’s impossible to study for finals while still in your pajamas. I call bullshit on that, because pajamas are the way to study for finals. Unless you’re studying outside or in a library, or in a coffee shop, or something, then they’re only sometimes appropriate. Also, I don’t know about you guys, but I’m not going to stay in the same garments through a bout of illness because ew that’s nasty.

Kate starts questioning Ana about the interview and Grey, and Ana calls it the “Katherine Kavanagh Inquisition”, like, what the shit, Ana, of course she wants to know everything because she was the one who was supposed to do the interview but couldn’t make it.

Ana now stops being a passive little doormat and demands to know why Kate didn’t even give her a biography, and that made her seem like an idiot for skimping on basic research, which is hilarious, because I don’t think “seem” has any place in that sentence. Kate apologizes and says that she didn’t think to do so. I’m sorry. There’s no reason to apologize for anything. If the guy was hot shit, he’d at least have a Wikipedia page about him. If not, I’m sure some basic info would be on the company’s website since it’s his own damn company. Besides, Kate was fucking sick, and I don’t know about you guys, but I can’t think straight when I’m slightly tired, let alone sick. And even if Kate didn’t think, what about Ana? Why didn’t she think to ask Kate for the damn biography? Or to coach her through the interview questions? I’ve seen elementary school kids with more initiative than Ana.

I’m barely into the second chapter and I already want to smack these people.

Ana checks the time and says she can still make her shift to Clayton’s. I’m kind of confused here, guys. If she was worried she wouldn’t make it, wouldn’t she have called in and said so? And if she realized she could make it, wouldn’t she have called in and updated? I don’t think work-places can be so permissive about when their employees come in without failing as a business. But what do I know. Christian’s the CEO, not me.

Kate says that Ana looks exhausted, and Ana, the martyr, says that she’ll be fine. I don’t know if James is trying to say that the meeting with Christian was so charged that Ana is now dead tired or what, but it just makes Ana seem like a poor little baby who hasn’t done anything strenuous in her life, but judging by what’s going on so far, that’s a real possibility.

Mrs. Clayton is apparently pleased and surprised to see Ana, which either confirms my suspicion that the place is very permissive with its employees or Ana’s shit at letting her employers know that she’s coming in. Or they’re just indulging Ana since the poor thing isn’t all there in the head. It’s probably just James being completely out of touch with these small things in life, but I’m going to go ahead and believe it’s the last one there, because that’s more entertaining. Or not.

Kate says that Ana got a lot of good stuff, and I went back and read over the pitiful excuse for an interview and I don’t really know what stuff she’s talking about, so I’m going to assume she’s just indulging Ana and she just doesn’t want to make her feel bad. Ana shows how she always assumes that people have good intentions by thinking that the only reason the C-dude wanted to show her around was to rub her face into the fact that he’s the big boss.

The only Big Boss in my heart.

Kate asks if Ana made any notes (of course she didn’t) and I’m just sitting here thinking if you got the entire thing on audio why do you want notes unless you want stuff about body language and other shit that would go right over Ana’s head.

Ana finds regular questions about Grey and her experience to be too inquisitive and wonders why Kate won’t just let it go. Pro-tip: communicate clearly. It makes life easier. Repeat after me, Ana: “I’m sorry, Kate, but it was a little weird and I’m tired, and I don’t want to talk about this.” See how easy it is?

So the rest of the week goes by. By Wednesday, Ana doesn’t have to see Kate in her pink pajamas anymore, which kind of confirms my theory that she stays in the same PJs the whole time she’s sick and that’s just so damn gross omg. Ana shows how little she thinks of her mom and her projects and says she has the attention span of a goldfish, because that’s how you think of people you love. Her mother is apparently has a short attention span when it comes to marriage too, because she has a new “much older” husband. Her mother is also apparently psychic because her daughter’s slight hesitation on the phone means that she met someone. Or she asks that question at every opportunity. I don’t know. She’s the psychic, not me. Mother dearest worries about her daughter because she doesn’t go out. Some people are perfectly happy not going out, as long as it’s not dysfunctional, mkay?

Ana apparently holds her stepfather (Husband #2?) in high regard, and says he’s the reason she knows the difference between a hawk and a handsaw, and I don’t know about you guys, but I think you really have problems if you can’t tell the difference between a bird of prey and a tool.

Indistinguishable, clearly Ray is a modern day Sherlock.

I don’t know if James is going for funny or cute, but it’s neither.

Ana introduces us to her good friend Jacob José, who apparently shares her sense of humor, and based on the figuring out the difference between a hawk and a handsaw trainwreck up there, makes me feel that said sense of humor is shared by no one else.

Now, I haven’t read Twilight, but I’m not unfamiliar with it, so Jacob José’s relationship with Bella Ana seems a bit too similar to José Jacob’s to Ana Bella. Even their fathers are old buddies. Wait, no, Ana has a stepfather so it’s all different, you guys.

Original character do not steal

I even looked up Twilight characters on Wikipedia, so I can look shit up better than Ana and/or James, but that bar’s set pretty low and I feel no pride at surpassing those two.

Jacob José also wants to be more than just friends with Bella Ana, but he’s forever in the friend zone. Silly Jacob José, everyone knows no females want nice guys. Shit, I can’t believe how true this is for this piece of work.

Ana muses about her lack of attraction to anyone and thinks it could be that reading so much made her ideals and expectations far too high and holy shit you guys I still have 24 chapters to go. And apparently C-dude surpasses those expectations which makes me think that they weren’t that high to begin with.

The next day, Ana is surprised to find Mr. Billion Dollars himself at her work, which apparently gives her heart failure. James gives us more bullshit clichés, and I know I said I wasn’t going to comment on the writing but oh my God, you guys look at this.

His voice is warm and husky like dark melted chocolate fudge caramel… or something.

This shit got published

I’m not even kidding, I had to go take a walk. But I’m back. Let’s continue.

Ana gushes on about how darn hot C-man is, of course, we get it, what else is new.

While they interact, I can’t help but notice how little they say. No, really. First Ana whispers. Then she mutters. He murmurs a reply. Ana mutters again.

Why is he here at Clayton’s? And from a very tiny, underused part of my brain – probably located at the base of my medulla oblongata where my subconscious dwells – comes the thought: he’s here to see you.

Only thing at the base of the medulla oblongata is the spinal cord

Uh.

I don’t see anything sexy there

Okay.

Ana can’t fathom why someone like C-dude would want to see her, and it just ties back to her apparent feelings of inferiority, and I’m wondering if I know any psychoanalysts, they’d have a field day with Ana. And I mean people who work with psychodynamics, not generic-name-for-psych-people. She also seems to be very aware of her vocal subconscious which is exactly what a subconscious isn’t.

(In case anyone isn’t aware, you’re not supposed to be aware of your subconscious, that’s why it’s subconscious).

While Grey does his shopping, Ana seems to think he’s laughing at her because she’s funny or funny looking, and of course that’s running around her head. I’m pretty sure these thoughts would be considered delusions at this point.

Her subconscious keeps doing the thing that a subconscious isn’t supposed to do, until;

I slap it down instantly, mortified that my psyche is having ideas above its station.

Oh boy.

I’m just going by the definition of psyche I learned in school here. The psyche is the human soul, mind, and/or spirit. It’s the totality of the mind, conscious, subconscious, unconscious, id, ego, superego, collective unconscious, and at this point I’m tossing out all the words attributed to the functionings of the human mind because that’s what the fucking psyche is. So no Ana, your psyche cannot have ideas of its own because your psyche is you.

No Ana you are the psyche and then Ana was a mind

Christian asks Ana what sort of books she reads, and she replies with:

“Oh, you know”

No, he doesn’t that’s why he’s asking.

“The usual”

The usual is pretty fucking big in literature. There is a lot in the The Usual genre. It’s like saying you’re a fan of European history, it’s so vast.

“The classics.”

See that’s more specific than The Usual.

“British literature, mainly.”

Of course.

Christian apparently looks thoughtful at her answer, but of course Ana jumps to the conclusion that he’s just very bored and trying to hide it fuck you Ana if he was bored he wouldn’t ask you questions, especially ones that are answered in literally 4 short as fuck sentences.

Ana asks if C-man needs anything else, and he gets his own chance to be fucking stupid by asking for her recommendations like idiot this is a DIY store not a restaurant how the fuck are you going to get general recommendations at a DIY store I’m sorry guys, they’re getting to me. And you know what I’m not going to comment about Ana blushing the color of the communist manifesto even though I just did because it’s so fucking stupid you guys.

So Christian gets coveralls too ‘cause Ana recommended he get some, and then asks how the article was going, which Ana thinks is finally a normal question except it really isn’t Kate is writing it not you besides he asked you about your interests and reading and that’s pretty fucking normal. She mentions that Kate wished they had some original photos of Grey and is completely caught off-guard by Grey asking what sort of photos because that’s not a normal response or something I don’t even know, and she’s totally shocked that he’s willing to attend a photoshoot (I knew Jacob José’s mad photography skills aren’t just for decoration!).

The bit at the base of her brain comes back to talk about how sexy he is or some shit and you know what, I decided to find out how hard it was to research some things so I googled “brain region associated with arousal” and this is what I got

Scholarly articles, even!

So, really James has no excuse for not looking shit up, and don’t tell me that’s not James, that’s just Ana’s misinformation because that’s lazy fucking writing, that’s what it is.

(In case anyone’s curious, here’s a pretty good page about it).

And this is the first thing I see when I turn back to the book:

and the Earth shifts slightly on its axis, the tectonic plates sliding into a new position.

You know what? I’m glad this piece of shit sentence is there. Because it shows that James is shit at researching anything, not just big scary brain words.

Her employer’s brother is visiting from Princeton (of course) and Ana excuses herself from Christian – her customer – to go say hi to him, what. No, really. What. Is this normal? I don’t think it is. Paul is not impressed by Grey ‘til he realizes he’s the Grey. Because you should only be on your best behavior around famous and important people.

Christian is done with his shopping, getting rope, coveralls, masking tape, and cable ties from a hardware store. I have nothing against this stuff, but since it’s not exactly a secret to readers what Grey’s up to, I’m having all these alarm bells going in my head, but we’ll get to that.

Christian leaves the store, and I think we should take a minute to admire this line that actually made it into a published novel and not something in a fanfic or destroyed by a competent editor:

leaving me a quivering mass of raging female hormones.

Ana admits to herself that she likes Christian, and that’s the shortest internal conflict resolution I’ve seen in media, so good for you, Ana, I guess. She wonders if she can find a photographer and oh my God Ana you just celebrated your friend getting his photos exhibited at a gallery and calls Kate to organize the photoshoot and end chapter.

Itsrane’s Quick List of Worrying Details:

• Ana has no initiative whatsoever. When given an assignment by her friend, she passively sat around expecting information to be given to her rather than actively looking for it.
• Ana has very little distress tolerance, and the smallest things tend to fluster her.
• Ana moans about the favor she did even though it is usually appropriate between friends, even though Kate’s living situation makes Ana’s own living situation much better.
• Ana seems incapable of judging whether questions are appropriate or not.
• Christian appears to be stalking Ana. He knows her name and that she is a student at the university, so would be able to find her place of work easily. This does not make it fine (or romantic).
• James still tries to make Ana seem cute or innocent, but only manages to make her seem out of touch with reality at best.
• James needs to research the definitions of illnesses and disorders before using them.
• James needs to research the meanings of words before using them.
• James needs to research the meanings of natural phenomena before using them.
• James needs to research.

A letter to an organ, and why I’ve been away for a while

If bodily functions make you feel icky, just ignore this. Please. Really. Just don’t read it.

 

Dear Uterus,

I’ve already said I hate passive-aggressive bullshit. So please, please, tell me what I did to deserve this.

Once a month, like clockwork – unless I’ve figured out your schedule and you decide to fuck with me – my jeans won’t fit anymore because you’ve turned my fat ass and gut fatter and… guttier. You make my back ache. You make it hard to move. And I still got to do the “get my butt in them skinny jeans” dance for you, if I can find the motivation to put on something that’s not sweatpants and actually leave the house, which is something I have to do if I don’t want to subsist on canned vegetables.

And that’s before the show even starts. When it does, I find myself either curled up in bed with a hot water bottle and a confused cat, or hunched over the toilet, puking out nothing, because I couldn’t bring myself to even sniff at food for up to two days prior. I have to start popping Advil as soon as the bloating starts to tone this down to “curled up in front of the computer with a blanket and a cat hoping current actor crush will relieve my misery”. And according to numerous doctors, the only way I can relieve this is by getting pregnant and pooping a baby. So I’m substituting one stressful situation for another. No thanks.

So, dear Uterus, ease up, damn it. I already feel gross without you adding pain and a +1 to my Size Stat, okay? Or I’ll pay someone to take a surgical scalpel to you.

Rethink the Rant

TRIGGER WARNING:

The following includes descriptions, photos, and video that may serve as a trigger for victims of sexual violence.
Please be advised. 

Someone asked me today, “What is ‘rape culture’ anyway? I’m tired of hearing about it.”

Yeah, I hear ya. I’m tired of talking about it. But I’m going to keep talking about it because people like you keep asking that question.

Rape culture is when a group of athletes rape a young girl, and though there are dozens of witnesses, no one says, “Stop.”

Rape culture is when a group of athletes rape a young girl, and though there are dozens of witnesses, they can’t get anyone to come forward.

Rape culture is when a group of athletes rape a young girl, and adults are informed of it, but no consequences are doled out because the boys “said nothing happened.”

Rape culture is when a group…

View original post 1,115 more words

Fifty Shades: Chapter 1. In which Itsrane develops a beef against Ana

Okay, here we go. Chapter 1 of 50 Shades of Grey. Let me just say that this book makes me want to trawl through peer reviewed articles and research to show how chilling it is. I may just do that when I’m done. Whatever. And just in case you don’t want to slog through a few pages of me raging at a book, head on down to the last bit, Itsrane’s Quick List of Worrying Details, for the bare-bones summary of my thoughts regarding the characters.

I scowl with frustration at myself in the mirror. Damn my hair – it just won’t behave, and damn Katherine Kavanagh for being ill and subjecting me to this ordeal.

Oh, my God. When the first sentence you read fills you with a deep, visceral hatred for the character, something’s wrong. Bitch Ana. If you’re having a bad hair day, put a beanie or a bandana on. Or pretend you’re doing a social experiment to see how young Muslim women see the world.

Like this, Ana. Like this.

And if sleeping with your hair wet makes it unmanageable, you should have learned that before high school. Or figured out a way to let sleep style it for you. I swear by sock buns and John Frieda’s anti-frizz serum. Seriously, try it. It may work for you. You have to understand your hair, coax it into doing what you want, not fighting it.

And when you’re getting feminine-type advice from Itsrane, you know you’re a lost cause.

If my books weren’t still in boxes, this is what my living space would look like.

And Bitch Ana. No one chooses a day to succumb to the flu. Not your friend,  not you, not the band member at a show you drove three hours to watch who tries to play even though he’s sniffling. No one.

Therefore, she cannot attend the interview she’d arranged to do, with some mega-industrialist tycoon I’ve never heard of, for the student newspaper. So I have been volunteered. I have final exams to cram for, one essay to finish, and I’m supposed to be working this afternoon

Wait, wait, wait. You volunteered? (Edit: I derped, she has been volunteered. Point still stands. No one’s holding a gun to her head and forcing her to say “okay”.) And you’re still bitching about how Kate screwed you over? What the everloving fuck?! Bitch, if you volunteered, that immediately revokes your bitching rights. Either do what you promised to do properly, or don’t do it at all. Seriously. Fuck you.

Also, studying for finals a week before your exams isn’t cramming. That’s regular studying. Cramming is staying up the last night or two, with a full thermos of strong black coffee, black bags under your eyes, and a panic attack right around the corner. That’s cramming. And oh my God, an essay! How terrifying. Try three research papers due on the same day, then come back to complain. Also, for fuck’s sake, start studying from week one, you wouldn’t have to study then.

This Wonka gets it.

Okay, Itsrane, calm the fuck down. Deep breaths. Go make fun of how ungainly the name “Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc.” is. Okay? Okay. Let’s move on.

Waitaminute. Bitch Ana. You’re telling me you have no idea who this person is, and you’ve never heard of him, and he’s a major benefactor of your university? What the everloving fuck? And why doesn’t he give interviews to the paper of the university he’s benefacting? I know that word doesn’t exist, shut up. I’m still mad.

Damn her extra-curricular activities.

Oh, my God, Bitch Ana! Stop it with the damnations, you stuck up, self-centered idiot! Your friend is sick and you fucking VOLUNTEERED. If she had guilted you into doing it, I’d understand BUT SHE DIDN’T.

Okay, okay, more deep breaths.

Maybe I should stop addressing Bitch Ana and take a few steps back and stop getting so invested in the issue.

Let’s continue.

So Kate is huddled on the couch. She still looks pretty even though she’s sick. Please. Show me someone who looks pretty even sick who isn’t in some movie or something. Can’t find any? I know. Unless you have a snot fetish. Bitch Ana proves her lack of empathy – a symptom that is present in a number of personality disorders, by the way, go check it out – by ignoring a “pang of unwanted sympathy”. Kate’s sick, why doesn’t she want to feel sympathy? Because she wants to damn and bitch at her, mentally because like someone I know, she’s too cowardly or passive aggressive to bring it up in a mature manner.

Side note regarding dear, pretty Kate; it’s the flu. Pop some Dayquil and soldier on. You know when I had the worst bout of flu ever? On a trip to Orlando. I kept popping that shit, following the instructions, and I was able to enjoy my time in Disney and everything, though I slept like the dead every night. It’s not the end of the world, especially when it concerns something you can’t reschedule. Gawd.

And I mean Gawd.

Back to our heroine protagonist central character. Apparently she couldn’t take the time to Google this guy, or ask Kate to give her a quick summary. With that logic, she doesn’t need to study for her final, she could just walk in and hope everything goes swell.

So, she borrows Kate’s Mercedes, which is “a fun drive”. No arguments there from me, Ana. My dad let me drive his, once, and it made my Hyundai feel like a joke. But I still love my Hyundai. And while I said, I was going to focus only on how social roles and interactions play out in this book, I just can’t help myself this time; Ana, it doesn’t matter if you’re driving a Mercedes or your old Volkswagen. The speed limit isn’t going to change based on what you’re driving. Is this more proof at Ana’s self-centeredness? You decide.

… the miles slip away as I floor the pedal to the metal.

No comment.

I am beginning to wish I’d borrowed one of Kate’s formal blazers rather than wear my navy blue jacket. I have made an effort and worn my one and only skirt, my sensible brown knee-length boots and a blue sweater. For me, this is smart.

Deep breaths… deep breaths… okay, I’ll try to say this calmly. Ana, dear, how can you been in university without making sure you have one smart suit in your wardrobe? My formal suit is the only thing in my wardrobe I’ve splurged on, and it’s served me very well for interviews and formal events. For fuck’s sake, woman, slacks and a nice shirt and a well-fitting blazer, and you’re done! It’s not that hard. And “for me, that’s smart”? Woman, I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, you’re one self-centered idiot. Smart dress isn’t subjective. It just is. If that’s the case, I can drag my slobby ass to a posh function with my dad and go “Well, for me, this is smart, you can’t kick me out of this black tie event.” For fuck’s sake, Ana.

Anyway, Ana feels like something the cat puked up while waiting around for the enigmatic Mr. Grey. So she has no self-confidence whatsoever. One of the reasons I look like a hobo is because I’m pretty damn sure of myself. The other is my old sweatpants are fucking comfy, and no, mom, I’m not throwing them away, and again, no, just because I wear men’s tees around the house doesn’t mean I want to be a man. My boobs won’t allow it.

Anyway.

Ana pretends the woman doesn’t intimidate her. Ooh, you’re so tough, Ana. Except there’s no reason the woman should intimidate you. She even smiled pleasantly at you when you walked in, even though you believe you’re the walking equivalent of a dog turd. And why would she smile kindly if she’s amused by your general hick-ness? Grow a damn spine, woman! Oh wait, I forgot what I was reading. Moving on.

I sit down, fish the questions from my satchel, and go through them, inwardly cursing Kate for not providing me with a brief biography.

You could have asked her, I’m just saying. Bitch Ana, you can’t just sit around waiting for the world to hand shit to you! You have to go forward and get it yourself! Wait, I forgot which book I’m reading again. My bad.

And what’s with Ana being so out of the loop? She doesn’t know anything about the guy, but we all learn later he’s famous for being so rich so young and so on, wouldn’t she have at least heard about it? So she’s both passive and dimwitted? What’s going on?

..I don’t even…

Another elegant, flawlessly dressed blonde comes out of a large door to the right. What is it with all the immaculate blondes? It’s like Stepford here.

Stepford? Really? I think all the hot blondes remind me of something else.

This type or something else.

Ana gets a drink of water, some Black guy reminds Mr. Grey they’re going golfing, and Ana makes a fool of herself before even laying eyes on our Mystery Man. Good going, Ana. The last time I almost stumbled into a guy was when I fell off a horse. At least that’s a better excuse than being incorrigibly clumsy.

Of course, Mr. Grey is all suave and helps dear Ana off her hands and knees. I don’t know why he bothered, since he’s going to be putting her in that position again soon enough, metaphorically if not literally. And the first thing dear Ana notices was how hot he is, and E. L. James makes a terrible attempt at showing the sexual chemistry going on between the two of them with crap like feeling sparks when they touch and so on. Sorry, James, but that’s cheap. You want to show the characters having good chemistry, with the way they talk and act, not with cliché shit. Moving on.

Cheap short-cuts. That’s what they are.

I’ve also noticed that dear Ana tends to murmur, mutter, and mumble a lot. I suggest getting some damn self-confidence, taking a public speaking course, or maybe even some speech therapy. You’re an adult, Ana, act like it, instead of acting like a seven year old hiding behind mommy’s skirts.

Oh, Ana’s studying English lit. Is this another cheap shortcut to explain why she’s so awkward and weird, and insulting a whole bunch of people in the process, or is she a self-insertion character? I don’t know. I’m not going to bother finding out.  I lied, I tried to find out, but I couldn’t find what James studied. If anyone knows, leave a comment, please and thank you!

I’m really starting to worry about this girl. I know I said she may have some sort of personality disorder, but scratch that. I think it’s a developmental disorder. She can’t tell when the person talking to her is amused or not! C’mon, Ana, he either is, or he isn’t! Or maybe she’s paranoid and thinks everyone is laughing at her behind her back. I wonder if it’s paranoia if it’s really happening.

Hot Christian invites dear Ana to sit, and dear Ana impresses him with a stupid, mumbled comment regarding his artwork. Piece of advice, guys, making the ordinary extraordinary isn’t something new in art. Maybe James wanted to commentate on the blossoming relationship, but it’s more of ordinary to chillingly dark. Dear Ana is already referring to hot Christian as “the Adonis” and I had to run and get some Pepcid because I got nauseated. So dear Ana is all clumsy and flustered – but what else is new? – and seems to get mildly upset at hot Christian gently teasing her. Woman, if a comment like that is going to fluster you, I wonder how you’ll react to the real world, since it’s pretty damn obvious you’re really far removed from it. And apparently, Christian knows more about what the interview’s for than Ana, to which I thought…

Colbert feels my pain.

“Good,” I swallow nervously. “I have some questions, Mr. Grey.” I smooth a stray lock of hair behind my ear.
“I thought you might,” he says, deadpan. He’s laughing at me. My cheeks heat at the realization, and I sit up and square my shoulders in an attempt to look taller and more intimidating.

Ana. Joke. Teasing. That’s all he’s doing. How the hell did you get to being a senior at university without being exposed to this type of humor? If he’s joking with you, it means he doesn’t see this as strictly professional, which means he might, you know, like you. Fuck. Right. Book. Forgot.

So yeah. Dear Ana starts the interview. Christian attributes his success at knowing how to judge people, which I call bullshit on because if an author doesn’t know how to do something like knowing how people tick, there is no way in hell her characters would know how to do that. Anyway, dear Ana deviates from the script given to her by pretty-even-when-sick-damn-her-for-being-proactive Kate, and tries to attribute Christian’s success to luck, because Gawd he’s like, so arrogant, you guys. She continues to prove what a lackwit she is by constantly putting her foot in her mouth. Might as well just leave it there, dear Ana, stop embarrassing yourself. And you have no idea how to keep a good flow, woman, don’t change topics so abruptly. But maybe this is just giving us a look at how her thought processes (dys)function. Chris-man tells dear Ana that he doesn’t often give interviews, but he’s giving this one because pretty-even-when-sick Kate is tenacious and constantly badgered his PR people. Uh, what? Your PR people can’t keep a journalism student off their backs? And if Kate is so damn tenacious why doesn’t she just suck it and go? I went to a Buckcherry concert sick. I got one or two looks from one of the guys on stage because I was wheezing against the barrier, but damn it, I had fun, even though I was sick, and I’m glad I went. I may have infected a bunch of people around me but eh.

Some kid tried to steal the pick I caught so I stomped his fingers in a self-medicated rage. I regret nothing.

What I’m saying is I battled sickness to go to Disney and to see Buckcherry live. You can suck it up and do your oh-so-important interview, Kate.

These adults all act like children.

The interview goes on, and dear, dimwitted Ana can’t see the benefits of feeding the world’s poor from a business point of view. I am the dumbest person when it comes to business and stuff, and even I can see that doing something so selfless is one of the ways to get your name out there, increase your reputation. It’s a marketing scheme. Stop being so damn stupid.

And C-man, your guiding principle is your philosophy. Your speech isn’t making you sound like anything but a pretentious fuck. James is just trying to make him seem deeper than he is, but no matter what you do, a rain puddle’s a rain puddle.

Dear Ana is still trying to wrap her mind around how someone who is so self-serving could want to feed the world, but ultimately, feeding the world in C-man’s position is self-serving. But I don’t think James thought that far into it. I think she wants to show how he’s actually a nice guy even though he appears cold and selfish, but just like her “romance” it’s backfired a bit here, hasn’t it?

“Are you gay, Mr. Grey?”
He inhales sharply, and I cringe, mortified. Crap. Why didn’t I employ some kind of filter before I read this straight out? How can I tell him I’m just reading the questions?

Personal anecdote time! I worked, for a while, as intake in a psychiatric clinic. One of the questions we had to cover in the initial interview was if there has ever been any sexual abuse in the client’s past. I don’t go callously asking “Were there any nonconsensual sexual encounters in your past?” just because I’m reading off the form. I go about it gently, reminding the client that these questions are routine, and that they didn’t need to answer them if they felt uncomfortable sharing, and that the question I’m going to ask next is a little sensitive, and maybe a little shocking, as it’s a very personal question, yadda yadda.

Like this, only with a desk. That desk deterred a serial rapist from attacking me. Thank you, desk!

So, no, you can’t blame this one on pretty Kate. That’s your mistake 100%, Ana.

And why do these people murmur so damn much? I’ve never had anyone murmur at me in real life, James. Only in books. Books that are like your book.

So the interview is concluded. That was a short interview, and didn’t seem to give much information, but what do I know, really? I only read or watch music-news type interviews. So, guys, feel free to correct me on this. Again, C-man mildly teases her about her more than clumsy entrance, and she reacts like it’s a challenge or something. Bitch, backbones aren’t supposed to go up your ass. The C-Man summons the elevator for dear, dim Ana, and they have a hilarious sequence where they say each other’s’ names as goodbye.

And now, mercifully, thankfully, I’m done with Chapter 1. Only 25 more to go.

Itsrane’s Quick List of Worrying Details:

• As a character, Ana has no empathy whatsoever. Despite volunteering under no duress, she happily bitched on and on about her supposed best friend and roommate.
• Ana could not be assed to find out more about the guy she was interviewing. It really wouldn’t hurt her to look him up quickly, and if the journalism sphere’s all aflutter regarding how he made a name and fortune for himself at such a young age, his name should be as widely known as Bill Gates or Steve Jobs. And Ana lays the blame of being ill-prepared on Kate, yet again.
• Ana seems utterly incapable of doing anything for herself. She blames the lack of information about Christian Grey on her roommate, and because she did not go over the questions on her own, let alone with Kate, which she should have done, she ended up asking a sensitive question in an extremely tactless manner. Again, she lays the blame on her roommate.
• Ana’s attempts at being “intimidating” and sounding more knowledgeable than she is sound like a kid who’s trying to hide a pilfered cookie behind his back, and thinking himself so smart, even though mother knowingly let him get away with it.
• Ana seems to have a severe lack of self-confidence, as demonstrated by her feeling out of place among the “impeccable blondes”, and worrying about how scruffy she looked in her “smart” clothes, things that were brought up many times.
• Ana seems incapable of analyzing emotions such as amusement on a person’s face, or in a person’s voice.
• Ana also seems incapable of laughing at her own expense, which can be tied to defensiveness born of a lack of self-confidence.
• Christian’s answers to the questions of the interview don’t seem to really answer the questions themselves.
• Christian either does not recognize or does not care about the fact that he may be making someone feel uncomfortable, evidenced by him repeating jokes at Ana’s expense even when she does not laugh and shows signs of being uncaring about them at best.
• James tries hard to make Ana seem like a cute, innocent klutz, but only succeeds at making her seem like an unsympathetic, frazzled, socially awkward girl whose mind has not caught up with her physical age.
• James attempts to make Christian seem more mysterious by having him use pseudo-philosophy, but it just makes him seem like a pretentious idiot who had recently picked up a dictionary/thesaurus combo and maybe read the first chapter of an Intro to Philosophy course textbook.
• James tries to use a shortcut to show that Christian is a caring person under his cold exterior with his “philanthropic” work, but only succeeds at making him appear to be so heartless that he would use the shoulders of the people in need to expand his empire.
• Dear James, just feeding poverty-stricken people isn’t enough. Sustained development, go look that up, please.