Fifty Shades: Chapter 4. In which Itsrane is convinced that James does not live in reality

After ending in a cliffhanger of sorts, I find Ana and C-man still in their super-fanfiction or anime moment, and I should know what those moments look like, because I was really into fanfiction and anime when I was in high school.

By the way, there’s an international law that says that those years cannot be used to judge you. I don’t need to check. I know.

Anyway, Ana still can’t communicate right and begs Grey to kiss her… in her head. He’s not psychic, Ana.

C- dude, of course, doesn’t, because there needs to be some fake sort of drama first.

There’s some law about that too

“Anastasia, you should steer clear of me. I’m not the man for you,” he whispers.

Whoa, what’s this? Christian is being sane. Enjoy it while it lasts, boys and girls.

Ana thinks she should be the judge of that, because she knows him more than he knows himself. I don’t know, Ana, what if kills women and keeps them in his freezer? What if he’s an abusive guy who hides behind calling himself a dom?

Woops

Christian and Ana behave as if Ana nearly getting hit by a law-breaking cyclist is some sort of near death experience, and Ana’s psyche still screams.

Oh, and apparently, C-man pulling away leaves Ana “bereft”. That’s a bit of a strong word for this, but I guess Ana needs to feel that she’s done something with her education.

Anyway.

Ana thinks she made it pretty damn obvious that she wanted to be kissed, but unless she’s pulling a Dopey, how the fuck would Christian know if you don’t fucking say anything, you idiot.

I don’t care this is how I’m going to see it from now on

After more paranoia and self-doubt from Ana, she notes that the green man has appeared and scurried across the road and oh my God, James, do your fucking research when you’re writing about a real setting.

So green

Somehow their conversation’s course took a turn for the dramatic, and Christian’s voice is anguished and his eyes are bleak and he looks torn, frustrated, and his expression is stark, and what the fuck did I miss how did they end up in this situation?

I need to take my fragile, wounded pride away and somehow nurse it back to health.
“Good luck with your exams,” he murmurs.
H u h ? This is why he looks so desolate? This is the big send off? Just to wish me luck in my exams?
“Thanks.” I can’t disguise the sarcasm in my voice. “Goodbye, Mr. Grey.”

No, really. What the fuck did I miss?

Ana is surprised she didn’t trip when she turned on her heel, and so am I, Ana.

And when Ana’s on her own in the garage, she starts crying.

This reads like a teen’s diary when their celebrity crush gets a new girlfriend or boyfriend.

I mean, holy shit, you met the guy a few days ago. You had one proper (in the loosest sense of the word) conversation with him. And you’re crying because he didn’t kiss you or feel the same way.

I don’t even

Okay… so I was always one of the last to be picked for basketball or volleyball – but I understood that – running and doing something else at the same time like bouncing or throwing a ball is not my thing. I am a serious liability in any sporting field.

I thought being picked last for sports means you’re unpopular, not unsporty.

Also, like all things, practice helps. Sure, there’s talent, but talent is useless without practice. And practice means you suck a little less than before.

What I’m saying is Ana believes she’s hopeless and helpless. Not a good thing. Ask any mental care professional.

Now Ana goes through the list of her faults. I’m going to list them here. You ready?

1. Too pale
2. Too skinny
3. Too scruffy
4. Uncoordinated
5. List goes on

Maybe James thinks it’s cute or endearing that a character is so self-conscious and doesn’t know her own appeal, but really, no. No, it isn’t. But let’s forget that and talk about Ana here.

She lists her faults as if they’re utter deal-breakers, and there is no changing them. But what if she is “too” pale? Is that a bad thing? Some people like being pale. Some people think pale is attractive. She can get a tan and not be as pale if she wants. Too skinny can be addressed with diet and exercise. And unless she’s unhealthily skinny, it seems like a self-consciousness or body image type thing. That’s no good.

I really have an issue with her thinking being too scruffy is a fault that belongs on a list. Too scruffy is something that’s completely in a person’s hand. You’re too scruffy by choice. You don’t like being scruffy, you fix it. Uncoordinated, maybe you wouldn’t be if you hadn’t given up on sports. Does Ana really think everyone is born the way they are? No one just knows how to walk in heels, everyone who does learned to do so before they graduated to those break-neck stilettos people love and hate (and love to hate). Personally, dressing to the nines is pretty low on my priorities list, but that doesn’t mean I don’t know how to when I want or need to, and it also doesn’t mean that I’m unhappy with my state. If I was, I’d work to change it. Like everything else in life, shit takes effort. And it’s pretty clear that Ana is unready and unwilling to put that effort into anything.

Ana then goes on to say that she’s always been the one to rebuff any admirers. I’m sorry, what? How do you go from “I’m not worthy” to “I turned down everyone”? Even if you were not interested, that does not change the fact that there have been people who were interested.

…no one has ever sparked my interest – no one except Christian damn Grey.

Hey, guys, if you’re never interested in anyone, it’s okay, because Mr. or Miss Right will come along and fix that for you.

Just figments of the imagination

 

Ana thinks she just needs a good cry, but I thought that’s what you’re doing, Ana, or did you forget?

Stop! Stop Now! – My subconscious is metaphorically screaming at me, arms folded, leaning on one leg and tapping her foot in frustration.

So Ana makes it home. Kate behaves like a proper friend would when she sees that Ana is not okay.

Oh no… not the Katherine Kavanagh Inquisition.

No. Just no. This is not an Inquisition. Kate does not want some fucking juicy gossip. She sees that her friend and roommate is in a bad state and acts exactly how a normal, functioning human would act. She’s fucking worried about you, you dumb shit. And don’t compare normal fucking questions to shit like the Spanish Inquisition (among others).

I shake my head at her in a back-off now Kavanagh way – but I might as well be dealing with a blind, deaf mute.

Kate also treats nearly getting knocked down by a cyclist like it’s some sort of traumatic experience. Not saying that it isn’t dangerous, but damnit, it wasn’t even a close call, Grey pulled her out of the way pretty quickly. He was even holding her hand when she tripped, she didn’t fall all the way. Not to mention the cyclist just “whips past” her. If it was as close as call as these three chucklefucks make it seem, the guy would have braked, swerved, yelled, something!

Kate asks Ana about the coffee, saying she knows Ana hates coffee. Because being asked out for coffee means that you have to have coffee, no exceptions, and if you don’t, you’re a deviant or something.

Drink this or have your dating privileges revoked.

Apparently, Kate completely forgot her “consternation” in the face of Ana’s obvious infatuation last chapter. And how she told her friend he was “bad news” especially to people like Ana. Now she’s all about them liking each other again. Either Kate has a problem, or James can’t remember what she wrote a few pages ago. When Ana says that Grey is out of her league, Kate immediately jumps to the conclusion that it’s about money. Was there a human-wide memo that people are only allowed to have relationships with people who are in the same income bracket? If there is, I didn’t get it. Kate also asks if Ana wants to see the article and photos, because the best thing to do with an upset person is to show them what made them upset in the first place. It’s the best way to get your mind off it, really.

So Ana distracts herself with her studying, and only allows herself to think of what happened that morning when she’s in bed, because that’s how you get a full night’s restful sleep.

I keep coming back to the ‘I don’t do the girlfriend thing’ quote, and I’m angry that I didn’t pounce on this information sooner, when I was in his arms mentally begging him with every fiber of my being to kiss me. He’d said it there and then.

No fucking shit.

And what the fuck is up with her “mentally begging him”. If she didn’t fucking say it, there’s no reason to believe he knows, because people don’t read minds. You know what, fuck it.

I’m convinced this is what happened

Maybe he’s saving himself. Well not for you, my sleepy subconscious has a final swipe at me before unleashing itself on my dreams.

I really think James has never had a sleepless night in her life, because this line of thinking is the best way to spend the night tossing and turning and worrying and holy fucking shit this pisses me off so much.

Suddenly, Ana’s finishing up her last exam. Because dealing with rejection while trying to study and take exams does not make for good conflict or character growth, or anything like that. Nope.

I feel the Cheshire cat grin spread over my face.

Like this?

 

Ana feels the need to celebrate the end of exams. She might even get drunk this time. She’s never been drunk before. I wonder if James included this detail to make Ana seem more innocent, but really, it just makes it seem like Christian is a bigger creep than he is later on in the story.

 

I did it again, sorry

I guess a lot of people celebrate the end of the semester this way, but my celebration involves crashing into bed for 12+ hours to make up for all the lost sleep. I can celebrate with friends after. Sleep first.

I glance across the sports hall at Kate, and she’s still scribbling furiously, five minutes to the end.

Is… is this a thing? In university? Ever? Why is the exam in a sports hall? Why are they in the same exam area? Are they taking the same class? What the actual fuck?

I’m currently a graduate student. I’ve never had this sort of exam situation, except once. In high school. While taking a standardized test. Every other fucking exam was in a classroom, with classmates. And let me tell you something, I’ve been to ten different schools before graduating high school, in four different countries. I went to university on two different continents. This shit does not fucking happen.

This is it, the end of my academic career.

I just need to remind everyone that in the first chapter, Grey asks Ana about her plans after graduation, and she said that she has not made any plans. From the way she describes herself and her family, she isn’t exactly in the position to be so dismissive. Like, how are you going to pay your bills? She just plans on sticking around Kate. Like a symbiont, or a parasite.

I shall never have to sit in rows of anxious, isolated students again.

Inside I’m doing graceful cartwheels around my head, knowing full well that’s the only place I can do graceful cartwheels.

Kate stops writing and puts her pen down. She glances across at me, and I catch her Cheshire cat smile too.

When the two of them get back to their place, Kate finds a package for Ana. I wonder who would send Ana a package. Ana notes that there’s no sender name or return address. I’ll get back to this in a bit.

Inside, Ana finds some first edition volumes of Tess of the D’Urbervilles.

Kate searches for the book to get an idea of how much they cost.

“I’ve found one Tess first edition for sale in New York at $14,000. But yours looks in much better condition. They must have cost more.” Kate is consulting her good friend Google.

So, James does know that you can use Google to research shit, so why doesn’t she, the lazy hag.

Anyway, back to the package. Ana notes that there is no return name or address. And there are three books in there priced at over $14,000. I dunno about you guys, but if I was getting something that expensive delivered, I’d include a return address. I’d also require signature on delivery. You don’t leave shit that valuable unattended like that! I recently ordered a laptop. They would not just leave it at the door, someone had to receive it and sign the proof of delivery. And what if the thing got lost on the way? With no return address, the package is lost. Unless Grey had it dropped off, instead of mailed, and I can see Ana not knowing the difference. I can see James not knowing the difference too.

There was a card with a quote from the book, and in case you don’t want to go find it, here it is:

Why didn’t you tell me there was danger? Why didn’t you warn me?
Ladies know what to guard against, because they read novels that tell them of these tricks.

Wow. Let’s spend a minute to think about how that sounds like some rape apologist logic. You should have known, why are you traumatized, it’s your fault. Ana’s also struck by the “irony” of having spent three whole hours writing about Tom Hardy’s novel, and hate to break it to you, but that’s not irony. That’s a coincidence. Ana thinks the card is a warning, and I don’t really disagree. She also says that the quote is what Tess said to her mother after Alec D’Urberville “has had his wicked way with her”. It’s rape, pure and simple. So Grey wrote a quote about a woman getting raped. Let’s think on that a bit.

Nope, I’m out.

Ana decides to do something sensible (shock, I know) and send the books back “with an equally baffling quote from some obscure part of the book”. That… kind of doesn’t make sense. How can part of a book be obscure? Kate suggests the bit where Angel Clare says fuck off, and I’m sorry, that’s probably not an obscure part of the book if there were obscure parts.

I love Kate, she’s so loyal and supportive.

Except for the parts where you bitch and moan about her, like how dare she get sick, or how she’s controlling, and, you know what, there are examples in all of the previous posts that show how Ana is always moaning about Kate. Shut the fuck up, Ana.

So Ana and Kate head out to a bar and there are lots of soon to be graduates there celebrating. Jacob is there too, even though he won’t graduate for another year, and why the fuck should he be excluded, everyone fucking celebrates the end of the semester, not just seniors, what the fuck James did you ever even have an education? And shouldn’t Jacob be graduating anyway? Ana says he’s the first person she met when she arrived at the university, so why isn’t he graduating? Ana describes how hot Kate is in her outfit while she’s more of a Converse and jeans sort of girl, and if you’re gonna bitch about your “scruffiness” that’s a good place to start, you fucking idiot. I’m just going to skim the clusterfuck that is their bar celebration, ‘cause fuck this shit.

Ana drunk-dials C-dude to ask why he sent her the books with a rape quote. She also wonders how he knew it was her, and I’d cut her slack ‘cause she’s drunk, but I’m pretty sure she’d be surprised if she wasn’t and Ana it’s because people recognize numbers or they save your number under your fucking name. C-man is concerned about her, which is cute, especially since he sent her a quote about rape to warn her away. She also pulls a “no, u” when he says she sounds strange. C-man realizes that Ana’s drunk and starts interrogating asking where she’s at because he’s so concerned. It doesn’t take long for him to go from asking questions to making demands. Because that’s so hot. She also hangs up on him without getting an answer about the books. Go, Drunk Ana, I guess.

It takes ‘til she gets to the bathroom stall to realize that she just drunk-dialed Christian Grey, and to go back to her muttering, timid self. He calls her to tell her he’s coming to get her (not even a hello or goodbye, where are your manners).

Only Christian Grey could sound so calm and so threatening at the same time.

Really? Only Christian Grey?

Ana gets worried that he’d really turn up, then remembered that he didn’t know where she was, because she didn’t tell him, but we already established that he’s a bit of a stalker (remember when he turned up at Clayton’s, Ana?). Ana acknowledges she’s drunk, but has some beer anyway. Because the best way to combat tequila-drunk is by getting beer-drunk. Ana goes out to get some fresh air, and Jacob follows her. I can see where this is going, but it’s okay, he loves her. He doesn’t take no for an answer, even though she’s begging him to stop. Luckily C-man makes a heroic appearance and gets Jacob to back off. Ana wonders how Grey found her. The tension proves too much for poor little Ana.

My stomach heaves, and I double over, my body no longer able to tolerate the alcohol, and I vomit spectacularly on to the ground.
“Ugh – Dios mio, Ana!” José jumps back in disgust. Grey grabs my hair and pulls it out of the firing line and gently leads me over to a raised flowerbed on the edge of the parking lot.

So, basically Jacob didn’t take no for an answer then got majorly grossed out because his drunk “friend” is freaking out and puked as a result. Charming. I get some people have serious problems with certain body fluids, but come on. At least feel a bit guilty or some shit, you entitled prick. Any points in his favor he got before are gone.

Christian acts nice and holds Ana’s hair out of the way, and acts like a good friend. Ana keeps puking and attributes it to the drink. I dunno, I think Jacob’s stunt didn’t help at all. She vows to never drink again, but we’ll see, won’t we, Christian?

And, is it just me or did C-man pull her aside to vomit in a flowerbed? That can’t be good for the flowers.

Christian hands Ana his own personal handkerchief, because he cares that much.

Only he would have a monogrammed, freshly laundered, linen handkerchief. CTG. I didn’t know you could still buy these.

You can buy anything on the internet, Ana. I got someone one of those wax seal stamp things with a family crest. What a time to be alive.

Ana’s embarrassed and ashamed of herself, and I’m not going to fault her for that. This sort of shit really makes you feel bad. I’m feeling awful just thinking about it.

I want to be swallowed up by the azaleas in the flowerbed and be anywhere but here.

So she did puke on the flowers.

So José’s still there, looking shamefaced and intimidated by Grey. I really hope that’s not just because of Grey, cause he did a shitty thing and being ashamed is the least he could do.

“I’ll err… see you inside,” José mutters, but we both ignore him, and he slinks off back into the building.

Sure, dude, whatever you say

And Ana starts freaking out about being alone with Grey. Again. She apologizes for the phone call.

“We’ve all been here, perhaps not quite as dramatically as you,” he says dryly.

But… none of that was really dramatic, was it? That was a really tame drunk dial.

What the hell has it got to do with him? I didn’t invite him here. He sounds like a middle aged man scolding me like an errant child.

Oh, look, a spine. Wonder how long it’s going to last.

Grey wants to take Ana home, and Ana wants to tell Kate first. Good idea. Grey says that his brother will tell her. Just gonna say, don’t trust someone to do your shit for you, especially if it’s someone who’s pretty much a stranger who’s taking drunk-you home. It could be a life and death situation, you never know.

Ana wonders how Christian found her, and he says he tracked her cellphone.

And creepy

Oh, of course he did. How is that possible? Is it legal? Stalker, my subconscious whispers at me through the cloud of tequila that’s still floating in my brain,

YES, ANA, LISTEN TO YOUR SUBCONSCIOUS.

but somehow, because it’s him, I don’t mind.

You got it, aaand you lost it. Good job

Ana insists on telling Kate herself (YES) which Christian doesn’t seem to like, but he lets her. I don’t give a shit what you don’t like, C-dude, if you care about Ana, you’d be happy she’s being safe. Asshole.

They head back into the bar to find Kate, but she’s dancing and José had disappeared. To wallow in his shame or start down the path towards repentance or something, hopefully. But I’m not holding my breath.

Christian takes Ana to the bar, where he’s of course served immediately, because everyone out there knows Christian Grey on sight. Except Ana. She didn’t know who he was or what he looked like until that interview. More evidence to illustrate how dumb she is. She doesn’t hear what he orders. He hands her a glass and orders her to drink. Charming.

The moving lights are twisting and turning in time to the music casting strange colored light and shadows all over the bar and the clientele. He’s alternately green, blue, white, and a demonic red. He’s watching me intently. I take a tentative sip.

Are they in a bar or a club? I don’t think James knows the difference.

Grey shouts at Ana to drink the whole thing. Charming.

Oh Ana… are you ever going to live this down? My subconscious is figuratively tutting and glaring at me over her half moon specs.

The idiot then drinks the whole fucking glass. Why. How the fuck do you know what’s in the damn thing? You were just thinking about how everyone knows him and he gets what he wants and all that shit, and what if he slipped something in there, you idiot.

Then he takes her dancing.

 

I thought he was going to take her home and he didn’t want her going back inside for her jacket and bag and to tell Kate where she is. Maybe he’s waiting for the roofies to work their magic.

Boy, he can dance, and I can’t believe that I’m following him step for step.

In the back of my mind, my mother’s often recited warning comes to me: Never trust a man who can dance.

I get what James means by this, but Grey doesn’t have a history or reputation as a womanizer so what the fuck is this supposed to mean?

They dance over to Kate who is dancing with Christian’s brother, Elliot. And apparently Kate really likes him.

Even in my inebriated state, I am shocked. She’s only just met him.

Christian talks to his brother, who talks to Kate, and then whisks Ana away. I’m pretty sure you shouldn’t hinge your safety on club bar Telephone.

But I never got to talk to her. Is she okay? I can see where things are heading for her and him. I need to do the safe sex lecture. In the back of my mind, I hope she reads one of the posters on the back of the toilet doors.

My head begins to swim, oh no… and I can feel the floor coming up to meet my face or so it feels. The last thing I hear before I pass out in Christian Grey’s arms is his harsh epithet.
“Fuck!”

Roofies. I knew it.

And that’s it for this chapter. I’m trying to write more, but the book is so damn hard to read. I’m really wondering if I’m reading the same thing people are raving about. Because this is shit. It’s horribly written. Anyone with a brain who has read anything else would tell you it’s shit. And Twilight doesn’t count as anything else. I don’t care if you fucking like it, but stop going on about how it’s amazingly written because it’s fucking not. I have guilty pleasures too, but that doesn’t mean I won’t acknowledge their shitty aspects.

Itsrane’s Quick List of Worrying Details:

• Ana either cannot or would not communicate clearly, and expects people to know what she wants when she “mentally begs”.
• Ana is not happy with her “faults” but does nothing to try to fix them, even though she can do something about the ones she listed with lifestyle changes.
• Ana prefers to be passive, and lets things happen to her instead of actively pursuing what she wants.
• Ana is literal minded, as she assumes that people always have coffee when they go out for coffee.
• Ana either does not want, or is incapable of, distinguishing between her friend wanting some juicy gossip, or the same friend being concerned for her, and refers to any questions as an “Inquisition”.
• Ana cannot envision another reason to party except her own; when she went out to celebrate their upcoming graduation, she does not even think that others may celebrate the end of the year, or that they may be celebrating with other people (or even going out for the sake of going out).
• Ana does not mind Christian doing something very immoral and illegal, despite her not knowing the man.
• Ana drinks something Christian gave her without even finding out what was in the glass.
• Christian locates Ana by tracking her phone. This is stalking.
• Christian feels justified in tracking Ana and showing up unannounced.
• Christian is annoyed by Ana’s insistence of informing her friend of her location. This is not an inconvenience. It is staying safe.
• Christian gives Ana a drink and orders her to drink it. He could have easily slipped something into the drink, or bribed someone to do it for him.
• Christian sees that Ana does not like to dance, yet drags her to the dance floor anyway.
• Christian does not give Ana the chance to talk to her friend. He instead gives the information he wants to share to his brother to pass on to Kate. Ana does not know what he said to Elliot.
• James does not know how higher education works. Exams are not given in sports halls. Exams are not given to a mix of students from different classes and majors in the same hall.
• James does not know the difference between a club and a bar.
• James’ characters flip-flop. They are against something on a page, and for it a few pages later. Kate still has not made up her mind about whether Ana should be with Christian, or if he is bad news. Ana has not made up her mind about whether Kate is a controlling bitch or her best friend forever. Christian wants to leave immediately and is annoyed by the idea of finding Kate, but goes dancing once they are inside.
• James probably does not keep notes about her stories, and it shows in the way the characters cannot decide what sort of personality they want to exhibit, and how their opinions change from one page to the next.
• James knows what Google is and has absolutely no excuse to not research.

Fifty Shades: Chapter 3. In which Itsrane wonders how the fuck did this shit get published

Alright. Time to have a look at chapter 3 of this train-wreck book. I thought I knew what I was getting into, but I was wrong. I thought, “Hey, let me focus on the social/relational parts of this book.” And here I am. I know, I know, I’m still at chapter 3, and there are 23 more chapters to go.
Anyway, let’s get started.

So Ana tells her worst best friend that for some reason, Christian Grey just happened to walk into an independent store way out of the way of his usual areas and he just happened to run into Ana, nothing suspicious there, nope, and that he had offered to make himself available for a photoshoot. Kate is of course happy, and I guess the awesome photos would make up for the plot device to get Ana and C-man to meet for the first time interview that doesn’t really have a point even though she said it was good, she’s probably humoring her roommate. Kate asks the important question here, why was Grey in the area anyway, and thinks it could be ‘cause he wants to see Ana. Ana continues to mutter her way through conversations and tells Kate what Grey said he was doing, which is stalking funding some research. Ana’s surprised that Kate knows how large the grant is, and Kate says the first sane thing I’ve read her say so far, that she’s a written a profile on the guy and of course she knows this. Ana responds by being snappy and calling Kate “Carla Burnstein”, like, jfc Ana, have you used your brain at all so far, or have you had people spelling shit out for you your entire life, and if James thinks this is cute it fucking isn’t.

Anyway.

So Ana somehow got the guy’s number, which he doesn’t give out to anyone, you guys, so you should all know how special Ana is. She starts entertaining the thought that he really does like her, even though just last chapter she thought he was laughing at her and being all self-conscious to be sympathetic and/or totally adorbs but really just comes across as someone who may suffer from some sort of paranoid delusions.

I hug myself with quiet glee, rocking from side to side, entertaining the possibility that he might like me for one brief moment.

…I don’t even know where James is going with this. I really don’t. Who the hell even does this. Has anyone ever seen something like this happen outside of cartoons/series/movies aimed at adolescents or younger?
It’s not cute, it’s childish as fuck.

Kate quickly loses any trace of intelligence she may have displayed earlier but wondering where they’d find a photographer on short notice ‘cause the usual dude is away, and didn’t you just celebrate some guy’s photos getting into some gallery or some shit how does that sort of info slip your mind? Not to mention getting photographers is easy, especially in a university which offers a degree in journalism.

Ana suggests Jacob, which Kate thinks is an amazing idea, because isn’t that smart as fuck anyone with 2 brain cells would have figured that out when Jacob first made his appearance. Ana thinks Kate should call Grey, which is dumb as fuck, if some guy who never gives his number to anyone gives you his number, you shouldn’t be fucking sharing that number with other people, that’s how you get on people’s shitlists. But Kate says that Ana should do it because she’s “the one in the relationship”.
Wait. What. What relationship? Did I miss something? Kate, what the fuck. Ana also thinks Kate’s being dumb because she only met the guy a couple of times, and Kate reveals her envy by saying at least Ana met him, like, what the fuck, if you wanted to meet him so bad, you’d battle your damn flu and not send some other person to meet him and what the fuck is this fuckery. Besides, the asshole’s going to be at the fucking photoshoot and you can fucking meet him in person there, you fucking idiot.

I’m sorry, I’ll stop now.

Kate bosses Ana and hangs up rudely, and Ana responds by staring at her phone and sticking her tongue out at it, and I’m sorry, I can’t you guys, does James think this is an anime or something, I’m laughing so hard and not in the good way.

Ana continues to do her own personal shit during work hours, because that’s totally appropriate, especially since Paul comes in and says they’re busy.

Paul asks Ana out for drinks, and Ana says no. Her reasons start off sane – thinking dating your boss’s brother is a bad idea – then devolve to this gem;

Paul is cute in a whole-some all-American boy-next-door kind of way, but he’s no literary hero, not by any stretch of the imagination.

What the fuck. Seriously what the fuck. Here’s a guy who seems to like me and is good and dependable and he’s cute but I want a guy like the ones from the fictional books. That’s a really healthy attitude. And how the fuck does Ana think she can hold out for a hero when she said she’s average and unremarkable does she really think heroes what that? I just. What.

Credit: http://www.harkavagrant.com/

Is Grey? My subconscious asks me, her eyebrow figuratively raised.

I slap her down.

Instead of saying no to Paul’s offer, Ana comes up with some excuses, like studying. If you don’t want to go out with the guy, be clear. Jfc, no wonder he keeps asking.

Oh, wait.

“Ana, one of these days, you’ll say yes,” he smiles.

That’s not perseverance, that’s creepy.

Oh, wait. I forgot what I was reading.

So, back to the plot, weak as it is.

Jacob says he does places, not people, which is a legitimate thing, because there are lots of different types of photography and they’re different. That’s like asking an artist who does watercolor landscapes to create a sculpture since they’re both art.

Ana tries begging, but is interrupted by Kate, who actually threatens to not do what she previously promised to do if the guy doesn’t do the photoshoot. Ana thinks she’s awesomely tough. I think she’s blackmailing a guy and is okay with breaking promises.

She means bitch.

José agrees to do it, because blackmail is cool.

“Good. Ana will call back with the location and the call time. We’ll see you tomorrow.” She snaps my cell phone shut.

Not even a thank you?

Kate’s tyranny continues and she orders Ana to call Grey right the fuck now, with an exclamation point. So Ana calls C-man to set up a time and place for the photoshoot.

I can almost hear his sphinx-like smile through the phone.

…Okay, Ana.

I need to remember to ignore the writing crap, or I’ll never be done with this.

I am all gushing and breathy – like a child, not a grown woman who can vote and drink legally in the State of Washington.

Not going to touch that. Moving on.

I visualize the wicked gleam in his gray eyes. How can he make seven little words hold so much tantalizing promise?

Because you have an overactive imagination, Ana.

Kate is in the kitchen, and she’s staring at me with a look of complete and utter consternation on her face.

“Anastasia Rose Steele. You like him! I’ve never seen or heard you so, so… affected by anyone before. You’re actually blushing.”

…Why “consternation”?

And what is this, middle school? Why is Kate making such a big deal out of Ana feeling attracted to someone?

Ana says that blushing is an occupational hazard, and that she “rarely throws her toys out of the pram”. Is this an American expression? But we’ve already established that James can’t research anything.

Ana continues to be mad at Kate, and has some sexy dark dreams, and apparently waking up twice during the night means she’s going to look like shit the next day, oh sweetie.

The next day, Kate continues to be an utter pain and control-freak, but that’s okay because it’s her beauty and commanding manner and that’s totally cool. Grey shows up, and of course, Ana stops functioning… well, not that she was that functional before, but still.

His unruly hair is still damp from a shower.

That’s how you show up for a photoshoot..?

Ana shakes Christian’s hand and we’re subject to the electric current of sexy sexy hormones True Love.

Oh my… he really is, quite… wow.

This shit got published.

Ana introduces Kate, muttering, of course. Special attention is paid to how she can look him “squarely in the eye”, and how she manages to shake his hand without batting an eyelid. Ana seems to think this is because Kate went to the best private schools in Washington. No, Ana, it’s called having some self-confidence, money doesn’t automatically make you confident. Ana is in awe of her, but then again, Ana is probably in awe of a snail’s ability to give no fucks and not hurry anywhere.

Fuck your hurry

Grey apparently suffers from some self-confidence issues because he seems threatened by the presence of MEN in the room.

He is also “momentarily” blinded by the lighting they’re using for the shoot, which is hilarious, because anyone who has ever been in a studio knows the lighting is pretty diffused, and the only the flash is really disturbingly bright (and lasts all of a fraction of a second).

So bright!

It’s pretty obvious that James doesn’t really know much about photography because she’s trying to make José seem busy but all I’m getting is he’s fucking around without knowing the first thing about taking effective photos. But I’m not going to blame José, I’m going to blame James. He also ends the photoshoot without double checking the images because James is dumb as shit. It would be hilarious if it turned out that half the images were out of focus and the rest are catastrophically over- or under-exposed, but that would require at least some idea of what goes on in a photoshoot. Then again, it’s really no surprise that James can’t take 3 minutes to Google some info on something.

So, it’s over, José scowls at Grey. José seems to be the only sane person in this sad group of idiots. C-dude asks Ana out for coffee. Ana thinks it’s ‘cause she looks like she hasn’t woken up yet, because that’s why people ask other people out for coffee, and see, Ana, even if you had the dough to go to the bestest private schools in the country or whatever, that amount of doubt in yourself comes from one place, and that’s within you.
James, this isn’t cute. This is fucking fucked up.

And of course, Ana’s subconscious makes another appearance. It’s not even good at being a subconscious.

Kate, surprisingly, seems to think Grey is bad news, especially to someone like Ana. Wow, some sanity? But I know this isn’t going to last long, because True Love.

I am going to have coffee with Christian Grey… and I hate coffee.

Of course you do, Ana.

They head to the elevator, and when it opens, they see a couple in a “passionate clinch” who get embarrassed and shit, and I can’t really think of a reason why this is in here or why anyone thought it was a good idea, because that’s such a cliché thing to encounter in a hotel elevator. The elevator ride is awkward and there wasn’t even “trashy piped” music to break the silence, and I’ve heard of lots of ways to describe elevator music, but I’ve never heard “trashy”, especially in a high class hotel like the one they’re obviously in.

At the coffee shop, Ana asks for English Breakfast tea, because of course that’s what she drinks.

While C-man is ordering their drinks at the counter like a peasant, Ana watches him and gives us a list of things Christian is;

1. Tall
2. Broad-shouldered
3. Slim
4. Wears flattering pants

(Seriously though, this isn’t the first time she brought up the pants)

Ana gives her teabag a quick dunk in the pot, wasting a perfectly good teabag, ‘cause she likes her tea “black and weak”, Ana, there’s weak tea, then there’s slightly discolored water. I actually tried that out, you don’t notice anything in the water if you steep if for like 10 seconds.

Left, teabag was submerged for 15 seconds. Right, 2 minutes. I tried it out. Yes, I went there.

Christian interrogates Ana… I mean, he asks her about José and her status as a single lady. Then he asks about Paul. Ana thinks his questions are getting silly. I think they’re kind of creepy. He also says she’s honest, and a mystery. Gotta agree with Christian here, it’s a mystery how she functions, really. He also says she’s self-contained, except when she blushes, but we already established that blushing is an “occupational hazard” of being Ana, so basically, she’s not self-contained. Because James’ memory is worse than a goldfish’s.

Ana thinks maybe it would have been better if Kate interviewed Grey, and seems to feel a bit of jealousy at the thought of them together, and again brings up Kate’s beauty, because it’s been a couple of minutes since we heard about Ana’s paranoia insecurities. And a side-note, two control freaks together would usually start butting heads pretty quickly.

Grey continues to interrogate Ana, and it really sounds more like some sort of evaluation rather than a date. Ana answers all his questions, yet he still says that she’s “not giving much away”, I’m sorry, what? She’s giving too much away for a first proper meeting. He brings up the “probing” questions from the interview, I’m sorry, what? Those were interview questions. Shut the fuck up.

Ana thinks she’s going to need intensive therapy to not feel embarrassed at those memories, and I seriously think she needs intensive therapy like a decade ago to treat her paranoia insecurities, general lack of self-esteem and assertiveness, and seeming to be incapable of functioning like a responsible adult. She tries to override the memory by giving the man her family history. I’m surprised she didn’t tell him what sort of medical conditions ran in her family as well.

She also describes her mother’s schemes as “harebrained” to a guy she just met who knows nothing about her mother. How nice. She describes Ray as taciturn, which Grey turns around to describe her, and I’m sorry, she’s been babbling, she’s the opposite of taciturn.

Side note, I don’t really think antisocial and speechless should be there, but that’s just me

And of course, Ray likes soccer. European soccer, Ana emphasizes. Because that narrows it down a lot.

Unless he enjoys ALL of them?

Grey keeps grilling Ana, and Ana clearly finds it uncomfortable, but doesn’t tell him so. Boundaries are important, Ana.

Ana, in a surprising show of assertiveness, asks C-man about his family, and he clearly doesn’t like it, and Ana backs off without him saying so and oh my GOD, what is it with these people and their failure to communicate like real fucking people, and this being a book is no fucking excuse, I expect some realistic humanity from the characters in a book, okay?

“I’ve never left mainland USA.” So now we’re back to banalities. What is he hiding?

So the conversation turns to “banalities”, like where Ana would like to travel, because anything that isn’t deeply personal is obviously dull or something. So Grey asks if Ana would like to go to Paris.

This has thrown me – who wouldn’t want to go to Paris?

A lot of people, Ana. People are different. And have different likes and dislikes and wishes and goals and aspirations.

Off topic: I’ve been to Paris. It was kind of underwhelming. France as a whole was kind of underwhelming. I lived an hour’s walk away from the border for a while. I know a lot of people love France, and I know a lot of people who hate France. I just found it really really underwhelming.

Back to the story.

Ana, of course, really wants to visit England. Because England. Also James. C-man wants reasons. Ana lists a bunch of authors even people who don’t study English literature know. I’m surprised James didn’t include her name there too.

Mentioning books reminds Ana that exams! Need to study! and Grey offers to walk her to her car. I’m sorry. He commands her along. I’m not even going to bother. He also questions her denim. Okay. Ana asks if he had a girlfriend, and Grey says no.

Oh… what does that mean? He’s not gay? Oh, maybe he is – crap! He must have lied to me in his interview. And for a moment, I think he’s going to follow on with some explanation, some clue to this cryptic statement – but he doesn’t.

What cryptic statement? You asked if he had a girlfriend and he said no, there’s nothing fucking cryptic about it, you fucking idiot.

Ana is again delightfully clumsy and trips into the road. Christian saves her from being run over by a bicycle. This leads to some… weird… interaction between the two of them where Ana sniffs Grey like a bloodhound, and Grey traces her face, including her lower lip. I’ve only read this sort of shit in fanfiction—oh. Wait. Right. I forgot the origin of this book.

He has one arm around me, clasping me to him, while the fingers of his other hand softly trace my face, gently probing, examining me. His thumb brushes my lower lip, and I hear his breath hitch. He’s staring into my eyes, and I hold his anxious, burning gaze for a moment or maybe it’s forever… but eventually, my attention is drawn to his beautiful mouth. Oh my. And for the first time in twenty-one years, I want to be kissed. I want to feel his mouth on me.

This shit got published.

And with that, end chapter.

Oh my God.

Itsrane’s Quick List of Worrying Details:

• Ana does not seem to see anything wrong with rescinding promises or blackmail, and even celebrates Kate’s use of these tactics.
• Ana shows more signs of having issues with her self-esteem.
• Ana lacks the ability to put up and enforce realistic boundaries.
• Ana still seems incapable of judging whether questions and/or topics of conversation are appropriate or not.
• Ana is not capable of clearly communicating her discomfort at certain situations or questions.
• Christian takes liberties with using Ana’s name, but does not extend the same courtesy to Ana by inviting her to use his first name rather than the more formal Mr. Grey.
• Christian puts Ana at a disadvantage, power-wise, by implicitly denying her the ability to use his first name, therefore remaining in control of the interactions.
• Christian asks personal, probing questions, even though Ana is visibly uncomfortable with them.
• Christian does not like being asked personal, probing questions, even though he is perfectly okay with being the questioner.
• James still tries to make Ana seem cute or innocent, but only manages to make her seem out of touch with reality at best.
• James does not seem to know how natural conversations go.
• James does not seem to know what topics would be discussed in a conversation, especially when said conversation is the first non-work related conversation the two characters engage in.
• James still needs to research.

Fifty Shades: Chapter 2. In which Itsrane brings the reviews back from the dead

Wow, has it really been that long?

It’s hard to slog through this book, and real life has more pressing matters. Like a mountain of papers that I actually enjoy writing, or would if I didn’t leave it ‘til the night before. This is kind of a prerequisite to being a student, really.

So, what’s new? Obviously the Fifty Shades movie is out, and everyone is aflutter. My forgotten blog suddenly got a surge of views, and I’m assuming it’s because of that. Awesome. Now that I remember I actually have a blog, I’ll get back to reviewing this… charming piece of crap literature.

Previously, on this tiny blog

So, I was introduced with our heroine protagonist main character, Miss Anastasia Steele, who, apparently, made it all the way to university by luck alone, because she has the social skills and awareness of a gnat. She whines and rages about how her pretty friend dared to get sick before an important interview and allowed herself to be sent instead. She interviewed talked to gaped at hunky young billionaire and wannabe-philosopher Christian Grey, and omg there were sparks you guys that’s totally a sign that they need to do the sex at each other. Ana fucks up the weak excuse for an interview like only she can, and they part and end chapter. Moving on.

And please remember I’m mostly focusing on the characters and their behaviors and interactions, not the sex ‘cause oh em gee that’s what everyone focuses on and anyone who doesn’t like Fifty Shades is just a prude or some shit. I used to read fanfiction. I don’t think anything out there can make me clutch my pearls anymore.

Chapter 2!

So our dear Ana rushes out of the building kind of like a squirrel escaping from a dog. Luckily, she’s a bit more graceful this time and manages to only stumble out of the elevator. Good job, girl!

Apparently no man has ever affected Ana that way before, which is kind of mind-boggling because it seems to me that everyone and their dog seem to affect Ana in the makes-her-a-bigger-dummy-than-usual way.

Is it his looks? His civility? Wealth? Power? I don’t understand my irrational reaction.

That’s why it’s called irrational, Ana. Shit, girl.

Anyway.

Ana starts to feel embarrassed over how the interview went, and naturally, it’s all dear Kate’s fault for not providing a brief biography. I wonder if Ana sits around waiting for her professors to provide the research and resources for her papers, too, because it seems like the sort of thing she’d do. At this point, though, I’m starting to blame Kate myself. If I knew my friend was this flaky I’d write a script for her. Actually, no. If I knew my friend was like Ana, I wouldn’t give her anything important to do.

So Ana’s driving back, and woops! I thought we were in the clear for a second there, but Ana goes back to blaming Kate for some of the questions, like, shit, girl, don’t you comprehend the questions before reading them out loud or are you that brainless. And if you really had to ask those questions, there are tactful ways of framing them, but we’re talking about Ana here who blames people for getting sick.

Ana realizes she’s driving more cautiously than usual because she’s unconsciously obeying Chris-dude or some shit, I don’t know.

As I hit the 1-5, I realize I can drive as fast as I want.

lol

So now we get more information about Ana’s living arrangements.
Are you ready, guys? Are you?

Get this, dear Kate’s parents bought the apartment for their daughter, and Ana gets to stay there paying “peanuts for rent”. Yet Ana has the gall to whine and rage about Kate ruining her groove or something by asking her to do something any friend would gladly do for a friend unless something bigger is going on. If last chapter’s whining didn’t do it, this should revoke Ana’s whine card for good.

And then, we get this lovely bit about dear Kate.

She’s clearly been studying for finals – though she’s still in her pink flannel pajamas decorated with cute little rabbits, the ones she reserves for the aftermath of breaking up with boyfriends, for assorted illnesses, and for general moody depression.

General. Moody. Depression. Holy shit. I really hope this shows just how fucking out of touch E. L. James is. Depression isn’t general. Depression isn’t moody. Anyone with depression (or an iota of empathy) will tell you that’s not fucking depression. E. L. James, go choke on a dildo, because you’re an idiot. Anyone who had read this and okay’d its publication can go choke on the same dildo, because at best they’re ignorant and uninformed (and that’s not an excuse for anything, least of all in this day and age of google), and at worst they know exactly what they’re doing, in which case they can go choke on one of those novelty dildos that show exactly why bigger isn’t always better. Calling “being blue” “general moody depression” is like saying you’re OCD for wanting your desk a certain way or feeling a little ADHD today, it’s wrong. Stop it.

Summary of rant: real depression’s serious business. Anyone involved with this piece of shit is an asshole. Moving on.

Back to the lovely callous bit up there. Apparently, it’s impossible to study for finals while still in your pajamas. I call bullshit on that, because pajamas are the way to study for finals. Unless you’re studying outside or in a library, or in a coffee shop, or something, then they’re only sometimes appropriate. Also, I don’t know about you guys, but I’m not going to stay in the same garments through a bout of illness because ew that’s nasty.

Kate starts questioning Ana about the interview and Grey, and Ana calls it the “Katherine Kavanagh Inquisition”, like, what the shit, Ana, of course she wants to know everything because she was the one who was supposed to do the interview but couldn’t make it.

Ana now stops being a passive little doormat and demands to know why Kate didn’t even give her a biography, and that made her seem like an idiot for skimping on basic research, which is hilarious, because I don’t think “seem” has any place in that sentence. Kate apologizes and says that she didn’t think to do so. I’m sorry. There’s no reason to apologize for anything. If the guy was hot shit, he’d at least have a Wikipedia page about him. If not, I’m sure some basic info would be on the company’s website since it’s his own damn company. Besides, Kate was fucking sick, and I don’t know about you guys, but I can’t think straight when I’m slightly tired, let alone sick. And even if Kate didn’t think, what about Ana? Why didn’t she think to ask Kate for the damn biography? Or to coach her through the interview questions? I’ve seen elementary school kids with more initiative than Ana.

I’m barely into the second chapter and I already want to smack these people.

Ana checks the time and says she can still make her shift to Clayton’s. I’m kind of confused here, guys. If she was worried she wouldn’t make it, wouldn’t she have called in and said so? And if she realized she could make it, wouldn’t she have called in and updated? I don’t think work-places can be so permissive about when their employees come in without failing as a business. But what do I know. Christian’s the CEO, not me.

Kate says that Ana looks exhausted, and Ana, the martyr, says that she’ll be fine. I don’t know if James is trying to say that the meeting with Christian was so charged that Ana is now dead tired or what, but it just makes Ana seem like a poor little baby who hasn’t done anything strenuous in her life, but judging by what’s going on so far, that’s a real possibility.

Mrs. Clayton is apparently pleased and surprised to see Ana, which either confirms my suspicion that the place is very permissive with its employees or Ana’s shit at letting her employers know that she’s coming in. Or they’re just indulging Ana since the poor thing isn’t all there in the head. It’s probably just James being completely out of touch with these small things in life, but I’m going to go ahead and believe it’s the last one there, because that’s more entertaining. Or not.

Kate says that Ana got a lot of good stuff, and I went back and read over the pitiful excuse for an interview and I don’t really know what stuff she’s talking about, so I’m going to assume she’s just indulging Ana and she just doesn’t want to make her feel bad. Ana shows how she always assumes that people have good intentions by thinking that the only reason the C-dude wanted to show her around was to rub her face into the fact that he’s the big boss.

The only Big Boss in my heart.

Kate asks if Ana made any notes (of course she didn’t) and I’m just sitting here thinking if you got the entire thing on audio why do you want notes unless you want stuff about body language and other shit that would go right over Ana’s head.

Ana finds regular questions about Grey and her experience to be too inquisitive and wonders why Kate won’t just let it go. Pro-tip: communicate clearly. It makes life easier. Repeat after me, Ana: “I’m sorry, Kate, but it was a little weird and I’m tired, and I don’t want to talk about this.” See how easy it is?

So the rest of the week goes by. By Wednesday, Ana doesn’t have to see Kate in her pink pajamas anymore, which kind of confirms my theory that she stays in the same PJs the whole time she’s sick and that’s just so damn gross omg. Ana shows how little she thinks of her mom and her projects and says she has the attention span of a goldfish, because that’s how you think of people you love. Her mother is apparently has a short attention span when it comes to marriage too, because she has a new “much older” husband. Her mother is also apparently psychic because her daughter’s slight hesitation on the phone means that she met someone. Or she asks that question at every opportunity. I don’t know. She’s the psychic, not me. Mother dearest worries about her daughter because she doesn’t go out. Some people are perfectly happy not going out, as long as it’s not dysfunctional, mkay?

Ana apparently holds her stepfather (Husband #2?) in high regard, and says he’s the reason she knows the difference between a hawk and a handsaw, and I don’t know about you guys, but I think you really have problems if you can’t tell the difference between a bird of prey and a tool.

Indistinguishable, clearly Ray is a modern day Sherlock.

I don’t know if James is going for funny or cute, but it’s neither.

Ana introduces us to her good friend Jacob José, who apparently shares her sense of humor, and based on the figuring out the difference between a hawk and a handsaw trainwreck up there, makes me feel that said sense of humor is shared by no one else.

Now, I haven’t read Twilight, but I’m not unfamiliar with it, so Jacob José’s relationship with Bella Ana seems a bit too similar to José Jacob’s to Ana Bella. Even their fathers are old buddies. Wait, no, Ana has a stepfather so it’s all different, you guys.

Original character do not steal

I even looked up Twilight characters on Wikipedia, so I can look shit up better than Ana and/or James, but that bar’s set pretty low and I feel no pride at surpassing those two.

Jacob José also wants to be more than just friends with Bella Ana, but he’s forever in the friend zone. Silly Jacob José, everyone knows no females want nice guys. Shit, I can’t believe how true this is for this piece of work.

Ana muses about her lack of attraction to anyone and thinks it could be that reading so much made her ideals and expectations far too high and holy shit you guys I still have 24 chapters to go. And apparently C-dude surpasses those expectations which makes me think that they weren’t that high to begin with.

The next day, Ana is surprised to find Mr. Billion Dollars himself at her work, which apparently gives her heart failure. James gives us more bullshit clichés, and I know I said I wasn’t going to comment on the writing but oh my God, you guys look at this.

His voice is warm and husky like dark melted chocolate fudge caramel… or something.

This shit got published

I’m not even kidding, I had to go take a walk. But I’m back. Let’s continue.

Ana gushes on about how darn hot C-man is, of course, we get it, what else is new.

While they interact, I can’t help but notice how little they say. No, really. First Ana whispers. Then she mutters. He murmurs a reply. Ana mutters again.

Why is he here at Clayton’s? And from a very tiny, underused part of my brain – probably located at the base of my medulla oblongata where my subconscious dwells – comes the thought: he’s here to see you.

Only thing at the base of the medulla oblongata is the spinal cord

Uh.

I don’t see anything sexy there

Okay.

Ana can’t fathom why someone like C-dude would want to see her, and it just ties back to her apparent feelings of inferiority, and I’m wondering if I know any psychoanalysts, they’d have a field day with Ana. And I mean people who work with psychodynamics, not generic-name-for-psych-people. She also seems to be very aware of her vocal subconscious which is exactly what a subconscious isn’t.

(In case anyone isn’t aware, you’re not supposed to be aware of your subconscious, that’s why it’s subconscious).

While Grey does his shopping, Ana seems to think he’s laughing at her because she’s funny or funny looking, and of course that’s running around her head. I’m pretty sure these thoughts would be considered delusions at this point.

Her subconscious keeps doing the thing that a subconscious isn’t supposed to do, until;

I slap it down instantly, mortified that my psyche is having ideas above its station.

Oh boy.

I’m just going by the definition of psyche I learned in school here. The psyche is the human soul, mind, and/or spirit. It’s the totality of the mind, conscious, subconscious, unconscious, id, ego, superego, collective unconscious, and at this point I’m tossing out all the words attributed to the functionings of the human mind because that’s what the fucking psyche is. So no Ana, your psyche cannot have ideas of its own because your psyche is you.

No Ana you are the psyche and then Ana was a mind

Christian asks Ana what sort of books she reads, and she replies with:

“Oh, you know”

No, he doesn’t that’s why he’s asking.

“The usual”

The usual is pretty fucking big in literature. There is a lot in the The Usual genre. It’s like saying you’re a fan of European history, it’s so vast.

“The classics.”

See that’s more specific than The Usual.

“British literature, mainly.”

Of course.

Christian apparently looks thoughtful at her answer, but of course Ana jumps to the conclusion that he’s just very bored and trying to hide it fuck you Ana if he was bored he wouldn’t ask you questions, especially ones that are answered in literally 4 short as fuck sentences.

Ana asks if C-man needs anything else, and he gets his own chance to be fucking stupid by asking for her recommendations like idiot this is a DIY store not a restaurant how the fuck are you going to get general recommendations at a DIY store I’m sorry guys, they’re getting to me. And you know what I’m not going to comment about Ana blushing the color of the communist manifesto even though I just did because it’s so fucking stupid you guys.

So Christian gets coveralls too ‘cause Ana recommended he get some, and then asks how the article was going, which Ana thinks is finally a normal question except it really isn’t Kate is writing it not you besides he asked you about your interests and reading and that’s pretty fucking normal. She mentions that Kate wished they had some original photos of Grey and is completely caught off-guard by Grey asking what sort of photos because that’s not a normal response or something I don’t even know, and she’s totally shocked that he’s willing to attend a photoshoot (I knew Jacob José’s mad photography skills aren’t just for decoration!).

The bit at the base of her brain comes back to talk about how sexy he is or some shit and you know what, I decided to find out how hard it was to research some things so I googled “brain region associated with arousal” and this is what I got

Scholarly articles, even!

So, really James has no excuse for not looking shit up, and don’t tell me that’s not James, that’s just Ana’s misinformation because that’s lazy fucking writing, that’s what it is.

(In case anyone’s curious, here’s a pretty good page about it).

And this is the first thing I see when I turn back to the book:

and the Earth shifts slightly on its axis, the tectonic plates sliding into a new position.

You know what? I’m glad this piece of shit sentence is there. Because it shows that James is shit at researching anything, not just big scary brain words.

Her employer’s brother is visiting from Princeton (of course) and Ana excuses herself from Christian – her customer – to go say hi to him, what. No, really. What. Is this normal? I don’t think it is. Paul is not impressed by Grey ‘til he realizes he’s the Grey. Because you should only be on your best behavior around famous and important people.

Christian is done with his shopping, getting rope, coveralls, masking tape, and cable ties from a hardware store. I have nothing against this stuff, but since it’s not exactly a secret to readers what Grey’s up to, I’m having all these alarm bells going in my head, but we’ll get to that.

Christian leaves the store, and I think we should take a minute to admire this line that actually made it into a published novel and not something in a fanfic or destroyed by a competent editor:

leaving me a quivering mass of raging female hormones.

Ana admits to herself that she likes Christian, and that’s the shortest internal conflict resolution I’ve seen in media, so good for you, Ana, I guess. She wonders if she can find a photographer and oh my God Ana you just celebrated your friend getting his photos exhibited at a gallery and calls Kate to organize the photoshoot and end chapter.

Itsrane’s Quick List of Worrying Details:

• Ana has no initiative whatsoever. When given an assignment by her friend, she passively sat around expecting information to be given to her rather than actively looking for it.
• Ana has very little distress tolerance, and the smallest things tend to fluster her.
• Ana moans about the favor she did even though it is usually appropriate between friends, even though Kate’s living situation makes Ana’s own living situation much better.
• Ana seems incapable of judging whether questions are appropriate or not.
• Christian appears to be stalking Ana. He knows her name and that she is a student at the university, so would be able to find her place of work easily. This does not make it fine (or romantic).
• James still tries to make Ana seem cute or innocent, but only manages to make her seem out of touch with reality at best.
• James needs to research the definitions of illnesses and disorders before using them.
• James needs to research the meanings of words before using them.
• James needs to research the meanings of natural phenomena before using them.
• James needs to research.

Fifty Shades: Chapter 1. In which Itsrane develops a beef against Ana

Okay, here we go. Chapter 1 of 50 Shades of Grey. Let me just say that this book makes me want to trawl through peer reviewed articles and research to show how chilling it is. I may just do that when I’m done. Whatever. And just in case you don’t want to slog through a few pages of me raging at a book, head on down to the last bit, Itsrane’s Quick List of Worrying Details, for the bare-bones summary of my thoughts regarding the characters.

I scowl with frustration at myself in the mirror. Damn my hair – it just won’t behave, and damn Katherine Kavanagh for being ill and subjecting me to this ordeal.

Oh, my God. When the first sentence you read fills you with a deep, visceral hatred for the character, something’s wrong. Bitch Ana. If you’re having a bad hair day, put a beanie or a bandana on. Or pretend you’re doing a social experiment to see how young Muslim women see the world.

Like this, Ana. Like this.

And if sleeping with your hair wet makes it unmanageable, you should have learned that before high school. Or figured out a way to let sleep style it for you. I swear by sock buns and John Frieda’s anti-frizz serum. Seriously, try it. It may work for you. You have to understand your hair, coax it into doing what you want, not fighting it.

And when you’re getting feminine-type advice from Itsrane, you know you’re a lost cause.

If my books weren’t still in boxes, this is what my living space would look like.

And Bitch Ana. No one chooses a day to succumb to the flu. Not your friend,  not you, not the band member at a show you drove three hours to watch who tries to play even though he’s sniffling. No one.

Therefore, she cannot attend the interview she’d arranged to do, with some mega-industrialist tycoon I’ve never heard of, for the student newspaper. So I have been volunteered. I have final exams to cram for, one essay to finish, and I’m supposed to be working this afternoon

Wait, wait, wait. You volunteered? (Edit: I derped, she has been volunteered. Point still stands. No one’s holding a gun to her head and forcing her to say “okay”.) And you’re still bitching about how Kate screwed you over? What the everloving fuck?! Bitch, if you volunteered, that immediately revokes your bitching rights. Either do what you promised to do properly, or don’t do it at all. Seriously. Fuck you.

Also, studying for finals a week before your exams isn’t cramming. That’s regular studying. Cramming is staying up the last night or two, with a full thermos of strong black coffee, black bags under your eyes, and a panic attack right around the corner. That’s cramming. And oh my God, an essay! How terrifying. Try three research papers due on the same day, then come back to complain. Also, for fuck’s sake, start studying from week one, you wouldn’t have to study then.

This Wonka gets it.

Okay, Itsrane, calm the fuck down. Deep breaths. Go make fun of how ungainly the name “Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc.” is. Okay? Okay. Let’s move on.

Waitaminute. Bitch Ana. You’re telling me you have no idea who this person is, and you’ve never heard of him, and he’s a major benefactor of your university? What the everloving fuck? And why doesn’t he give interviews to the paper of the university he’s benefacting? I know that word doesn’t exist, shut up. I’m still mad.

Damn her extra-curricular activities.

Oh, my God, Bitch Ana! Stop it with the damnations, you stuck up, self-centered idiot! Your friend is sick and you fucking VOLUNTEERED. If she had guilted you into doing it, I’d understand BUT SHE DIDN’T.

Okay, okay, more deep breaths.

Maybe I should stop addressing Bitch Ana and take a few steps back and stop getting so invested in the issue.

Let’s continue.

So Kate is huddled on the couch. She still looks pretty even though she’s sick. Please. Show me someone who looks pretty even sick who isn’t in some movie or something. Can’t find any? I know. Unless you have a snot fetish. Bitch Ana proves her lack of empathy – a symptom that is present in a number of personality disorders, by the way, go check it out – by ignoring a “pang of unwanted sympathy”. Kate’s sick, why doesn’t she want to feel sympathy? Because she wants to damn and bitch at her, mentally because like someone I know, she’s too cowardly or passive aggressive to bring it up in a mature manner.

Side note regarding dear, pretty Kate; it’s the flu. Pop some Dayquil and soldier on. You know when I had the worst bout of flu ever? On a trip to Orlando. I kept popping that shit, following the instructions, and I was able to enjoy my time in Disney and everything, though I slept like the dead every night. It’s not the end of the world, especially when it concerns something you can’t reschedule. Gawd.

And I mean Gawd.

Back to our heroine protagonist central character. Apparently she couldn’t take the time to Google this guy, or ask Kate to give her a quick summary. With that logic, she doesn’t need to study for her final, she could just walk in and hope everything goes swell.

So, she borrows Kate’s Mercedes, which is “a fun drive”. No arguments there from me, Ana. My dad let me drive his, once, and it made my Hyundai feel like a joke. But I still love my Hyundai. And while I said, I was going to focus only on how social roles and interactions play out in this book, I just can’t help myself this time; Ana, it doesn’t matter if you’re driving a Mercedes or your old Volkswagen. The speed limit isn’t going to change based on what you’re driving. Is this more proof at Ana’s self-centeredness? You decide.

… the miles slip away as I floor the pedal to the metal.

No comment.

I am beginning to wish I’d borrowed one of Kate’s formal blazers rather than wear my navy blue jacket. I have made an effort and worn my one and only skirt, my sensible brown knee-length boots and a blue sweater. For me, this is smart.

Deep breaths… deep breaths… okay, I’ll try to say this calmly. Ana, dear, how can you been in university without making sure you have one smart suit in your wardrobe? My formal suit is the only thing in my wardrobe I’ve splurged on, and it’s served me very well for interviews and formal events. For fuck’s sake, woman, slacks and a nice shirt and a well-fitting blazer, and you’re done! It’s not that hard. And “for me, that’s smart”? Woman, I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, you’re one self-centered idiot. Smart dress isn’t subjective. It just is. If that’s the case, I can drag my slobby ass to a posh function with my dad and go “Well, for me, this is smart, you can’t kick me out of this black tie event.” For fuck’s sake, Ana.

Anyway, Ana feels like something the cat puked up while waiting around for the enigmatic Mr. Grey. So she has no self-confidence whatsoever. One of the reasons I look like a hobo is because I’m pretty damn sure of myself. The other is my old sweatpants are fucking comfy, and no, mom, I’m not throwing them away, and again, no, just because I wear men’s tees around the house doesn’t mean I want to be a man. My boobs won’t allow it.

Anyway.

Ana pretends the woman doesn’t intimidate her. Ooh, you’re so tough, Ana. Except there’s no reason the woman should intimidate you. She even smiled pleasantly at you when you walked in, even though you believe you’re the walking equivalent of a dog turd. And why would she smile kindly if she’s amused by your general hick-ness? Grow a damn spine, woman! Oh wait, I forgot what I was reading. Moving on.

I sit down, fish the questions from my satchel, and go through them, inwardly cursing Kate for not providing me with a brief biography.

You could have asked her, I’m just saying. Bitch Ana, you can’t just sit around waiting for the world to hand shit to you! You have to go forward and get it yourself! Wait, I forgot which book I’m reading again. My bad.

And what’s with Ana being so out of the loop? She doesn’t know anything about the guy, but we all learn later he’s famous for being so rich so young and so on, wouldn’t she have at least heard about it? So she’s both passive and dimwitted? What’s going on?

..I don’t even…

Another elegant, flawlessly dressed blonde comes out of a large door to the right. What is it with all the immaculate blondes? It’s like Stepford here.

Stepford? Really? I think all the hot blondes remind me of something else.

This type or something else.

Ana gets a drink of water, some Black guy reminds Mr. Grey they’re going golfing, and Ana makes a fool of herself before even laying eyes on our Mystery Man. Good going, Ana. The last time I almost stumbled into a guy was when I fell off a horse. At least that’s a better excuse than being incorrigibly clumsy.

Of course, Mr. Grey is all suave and helps dear Ana off her hands and knees. I don’t know why he bothered, since he’s going to be putting her in that position again soon enough, metaphorically if not literally. And the first thing dear Ana notices was how hot he is, and E. L. James makes a terrible attempt at showing the sexual chemistry going on between the two of them with crap like feeling sparks when they touch and so on. Sorry, James, but that’s cheap. You want to show the characters having good chemistry, with the way they talk and act, not with cliché shit. Moving on.

Cheap short-cuts. That’s what they are.

I’ve also noticed that dear Ana tends to murmur, mutter, and mumble a lot. I suggest getting some damn self-confidence, taking a public speaking course, or maybe even some speech therapy. You’re an adult, Ana, act like it, instead of acting like a seven year old hiding behind mommy’s skirts.

Oh, Ana’s studying English lit. Is this another cheap shortcut to explain why she’s so awkward and weird, and insulting a whole bunch of people in the process, or is she a self-insertion character? I don’t know. I’m not going to bother finding out.  I lied, I tried to find out, but I couldn’t find what James studied. If anyone knows, leave a comment, please and thank you!

I’m really starting to worry about this girl. I know I said she may have some sort of personality disorder, but scratch that. I think it’s a developmental disorder. She can’t tell when the person talking to her is amused or not! C’mon, Ana, he either is, or he isn’t! Or maybe she’s paranoid and thinks everyone is laughing at her behind her back. I wonder if it’s paranoia if it’s really happening.

Hot Christian invites dear Ana to sit, and dear Ana impresses him with a stupid, mumbled comment regarding his artwork. Piece of advice, guys, making the ordinary extraordinary isn’t something new in art. Maybe James wanted to commentate on the blossoming relationship, but it’s more of ordinary to chillingly dark. Dear Ana is already referring to hot Christian as “the Adonis” and I had to run and get some Pepcid because I got nauseated. So dear Ana is all clumsy and flustered – but what else is new? – and seems to get mildly upset at hot Christian gently teasing her. Woman, if a comment like that is going to fluster you, I wonder how you’ll react to the real world, since it’s pretty damn obvious you’re really far removed from it. And apparently, Christian knows more about what the interview’s for than Ana, to which I thought…

Colbert feels my pain.

“Good,” I swallow nervously. “I have some questions, Mr. Grey.” I smooth a stray lock of hair behind my ear.
“I thought you might,” he says, deadpan. He’s laughing at me. My cheeks heat at the realization, and I sit up and square my shoulders in an attempt to look taller and more intimidating.

Ana. Joke. Teasing. That’s all he’s doing. How the hell did you get to being a senior at university without being exposed to this type of humor? If he’s joking with you, it means he doesn’t see this as strictly professional, which means he might, you know, like you. Fuck. Right. Book. Forgot.

So yeah. Dear Ana starts the interview. Christian attributes his success at knowing how to judge people, which I call bullshit on because if an author doesn’t know how to do something like knowing how people tick, there is no way in hell her characters would know how to do that. Anyway, dear Ana deviates from the script given to her by pretty-even-when-sick-damn-her-for-being-proactive Kate, and tries to attribute Christian’s success to luck, because Gawd he’s like, so arrogant, you guys. She continues to prove what a lackwit she is by constantly putting her foot in her mouth. Might as well just leave it there, dear Ana, stop embarrassing yourself. And you have no idea how to keep a good flow, woman, don’t change topics so abruptly. But maybe this is just giving us a look at how her thought processes (dys)function. Chris-man tells dear Ana that he doesn’t often give interviews, but he’s giving this one because pretty-even-when-sick Kate is tenacious and constantly badgered his PR people. Uh, what? Your PR people can’t keep a journalism student off their backs? And if Kate is so damn tenacious why doesn’t she just suck it and go? I went to a Buckcherry concert sick. I got one or two looks from one of the guys on stage because I was wheezing against the barrier, but damn it, I had fun, even though I was sick, and I’m glad I went. I may have infected a bunch of people around me but eh.

Some kid tried to steal the pick I caught so I stomped his fingers in a self-medicated rage. I regret nothing.

What I’m saying is I battled sickness to go to Disney and to see Buckcherry live. You can suck it up and do your oh-so-important interview, Kate.

These adults all act like children.

The interview goes on, and dear, dimwitted Ana can’t see the benefits of feeding the world’s poor from a business point of view. I am the dumbest person when it comes to business and stuff, and even I can see that doing something so selfless is one of the ways to get your name out there, increase your reputation. It’s a marketing scheme. Stop being so damn stupid.

And C-man, your guiding principle is your philosophy. Your speech isn’t making you sound like anything but a pretentious fuck. James is just trying to make him seem deeper than he is, but no matter what you do, a rain puddle’s a rain puddle.

Dear Ana is still trying to wrap her mind around how someone who is so self-serving could want to feed the world, but ultimately, feeding the world in C-man’s position is self-serving. But I don’t think James thought that far into it. I think she wants to show how he’s actually a nice guy even though he appears cold and selfish, but just like her “romance” it’s backfired a bit here, hasn’t it?

“Are you gay, Mr. Grey?”
He inhales sharply, and I cringe, mortified. Crap. Why didn’t I employ some kind of filter before I read this straight out? How can I tell him I’m just reading the questions?

Personal anecdote time! I worked, for a while, as intake in a psychiatric clinic. One of the questions we had to cover in the initial interview was if there has ever been any sexual abuse in the client’s past. I don’t go callously asking “Were there any nonconsensual sexual encounters in your past?” just because I’m reading off the form. I go about it gently, reminding the client that these questions are routine, and that they didn’t need to answer them if they felt uncomfortable sharing, and that the question I’m going to ask next is a little sensitive, and maybe a little shocking, as it’s a very personal question, yadda yadda.

Like this, only with a desk. That desk deterred a serial rapist from attacking me. Thank you, desk!

So, no, you can’t blame this one on pretty Kate. That’s your mistake 100%, Ana.

And why do these people murmur so damn much? I’ve never had anyone murmur at me in real life, James. Only in books. Books that are like your book.

So the interview is concluded. That was a short interview, and didn’t seem to give much information, but what do I know, really? I only read or watch music-news type interviews. So, guys, feel free to correct me on this. Again, C-man mildly teases her about her more than clumsy entrance, and she reacts like it’s a challenge or something. Bitch, backbones aren’t supposed to go up your ass. The C-Man summons the elevator for dear, dim Ana, and they have a hilarious sequence where they say each other’s’ names as goodbye.

And now, mercifully, thankfully, I’m done with Chapter 1. Only 25 more to go.

Itsrane’s Quick List of Worrying Details:

• As a character, Ana has no empathy whatsoever. Despite volunteering under no duress, she happily bitched on and on about her supposed best friend and roommate.
• Ana could not be assed to find out more about the guy she was interviewing. It really wouldn’t hurt her to look him up quickly, and if the journalism sphere’s all aflutter regarding how he made a name and fortune for himself at such a young age, his name should be as widely known as Bill Gates or Steve Jobs. And Ana lays the blame of being ill-prepared on Kate, yet again.
• Ana seems utterly incapable of doing anything for herself. She blames the lack of information about Christian Grey on her roommate, and because she did not go over the questions on her own, let alone with Kate, which she should have done, she ended up asking a sensitive question in an extremely tactless manner. Again, she lays the blame on her roommate.
• Ana’s attempts at being “intimidating” and sounding more knowledgeable than she is sound like a kid who’s trying to hide a pilfered cookie behind his back, and thinking himself so smart, even though mother knowingly let him get away with it.
• Ana seems to have a severe lack of self-confidence, as demonstrated by her feeling out of place among the “impeccable blondes”, and worrying about how scruffy she looked in her “smart” clothes, things that were brought up many times.
• Ana seems incapable of analyzing emotions such as amusement on a person’s face, or in a person’s voice.
• Ana also seems incapable of laughing at her own expense, which can be tied to defensiveness born of a lack of self-confidence.
• Christian’s answers to the questions of the interview don’t seem to really answer the questions themselves.
• Christian either does not recognize or does not care about the fact that he may be making someone feel uncomfortable, evidenced by him repeating jokes at Ana’s expense even when she does not laugh and shows signs of being uncaring about them at best.
• James tries hard to make Ana seem like a cute, innocent klutz, but only succeeds at making her seem like an unsympathetic, frazzled, socially awkward girl whose mind has not caught up with her physical age.
• James attempts to make Christian seem more mysterious by having him use pseudo-philosophy, but it just makes him seem like a pretentious idiot who had recently picked up a dictionary/thesaurus combo and maybe read the first chapter of an Intro to Philosophy course textbook.
• James tries to use a shortcut to show that Christian is a caring person under his cold exterior with his “philanthropic” work, but only succeeds at making him appear to be so heartless that he would use the shoulders of the people in need to expand his empire.
• Dear James, just feeding poverty-stricken people isn’t enough. Sustained development, go look that up, please.

Preamble. Or introduction. Or notes. Or whatever. Anyway, Chapter -1 of 50 Shades of Grey

Okay. Let’s do this. I had a few false starts, I admit it. I tried to start of this post with different analyses. But there are too many things to comment on, and not enough attention span in my ADHD brain. And I’m going to save my Vyvanse for stuff that’s worth taking my life-saving amphetamines for. Like, you know, doing something more fun like watching TV mindlessly or zoning out. I only do one of those things regularly, I should mention.

It’s not this one. And I hate popcorn.

So I decided I’ll read this bad excuse of a book and comment, analyze, and rage as I go, and not necessarily in that order. And I’m going to try to stick to just the social and/or relationship aspects of this… thing. It’s way too easy to go off on tangents regarding the terrible English and horribly unsexy sexy scenes. And rabid fans of this tripe, please, before you go attacking my writing with stupid logic like “I’d like to see you do better!” let me assure you that 1) I most probably can, cover my medication costs and I’ll prove it, and 2) I don’t have to be a five-star chef to know when there’s dog shit on my plate.

What my 5-star search yielded. This definitely isn’t shit on a plate. So, uh, is anyone willing to treat me to dinner?

Fair warning, everyone, I will cuss, I will rage, I will bang my head against the keyboard. If that’s not your cuppa, turn back now. Though if you’re reading sexy-time stories, you’re already in XXX territory and shouldn’t be too offended by the shit that’s going to spew from my mouth… er… fingers. That doesn’t sound too right. Anyway, at times I will be misogynistic. At times I will be misandristic. Huh, apparently misandristic isn’t a word, and neither is misandrist, but misandry is. You learn something new every day. But yes, my misanthropy is going to be aimed squarely at the characters in this book. No worries, guys.

And now, I will leave you to venture into the illogical, terrifying world that spawned from the depths of E.L. James’ dubious imagination.

Wish me luck.

What you get when you mix literal poop and class

Alternately, “Why Itsrane hates swans”.Seriously, symbols of love? Graceful? Majestic? Hardly! They may have people fooled, but I got my eye on them.

Look at that malignant, breadcrumb gobbling fucker. Look at him!

I never cared much for swans. They floated around Geneva looking oh so pretty, and tourists would toss stale baguettes at them. At least it kept their uncontrolled brats from being a physical annoyance in addition to the already present auditory annoyance. Then, The Incident happened. The way I viewed these demonic creatures changed in the blink of an eye. Or maybe, in this case, it’s more appropriate to say the turning of an ankle.

I’m getting way ahead of myself let’s back up a bit.

Late night – or early morning – twitter, March 15 2013. I see a post which reawakened the memory of The Incident, and I just had to reply.

And of course, I have to share my embarrassment with the internet. It’s stupid, it’s funny, and it’s far enough in the past for me to see it as happening to someone else. And as it happened to Teen Me, it might as well be someone else.

So, it was summer, in Geneva Switzerland. The weather is usually pretty nice, but we were having a bit of a heat wave. I don’t like heat. I never liked heat. I know I’m supposed to be able to handle it, but I just can’t stand it. So I was grumpy. I didn’t want to be down by the lake that day, but my mom managed to wear me down. And since she didn’t want whoever she was meeting to see what an uncouth embarrassment her daughter was, I had to dress up a bit. Which meant fancy shoes, and no slobbing with jeans and a comfy t-shirt which has seen the inside of the washing machine too many times.

So I was being an angsty, sulky teen. My cousin happened to be there, so I arranged to meet up with her, and ran off as soon as I could. Said cousin and I wandered around, talking, and were way past where the lake narrowed into the Rhone river when my mom called me and told me to do something that involved more walking. Teen Me of course found this to be unacceptable, and got quite mad. Cousin was sympathetic, and offered to go with me. Anger averted.

Mom’s directions are never clear, so we ended up going to several locations which were completely wrong. When we finally reached where she wanted me to go, and do what she wanted me to do. Blisters had started forming on my heels, because my mom didn’t like my ratty sneakers. See, mom? I told you comfort trumps looks!

We started walking to the train station. Which was on the other side of the lake. I was livid, but trying to keep cool. Suddenly, one of these fuckers was standing right in front of me.

It’s like it’s ordering us to admire it, but only from afar. That fucker.

Fuck if I was going to step around it. I just barreled on. The fucker looked at me and stepped aside.

But not before dropping a huge pile of liquid, slimy bird shit on the ground. One foot in it, and down I go. And of course, I slid into more swan shit. FUCK.

I stood up, limping slightly, and covered in what I first thought was lake slime. But it smelled like… oh God.

Cousin was caught between feeling terrible and laughing hysterically.

Of course, the adventure was not over, not yet. We looked around for the nearest place I could get cleaned up. There was only one public-type building where we could get away with using the restrooms without being patrons. The Four Seasons Hotel.

Yes, I walked into that hotel lobby, the right side of my pants covered in bird shit, alternatively cussing in English and Arabic. As nonchalantly as we could, we slipped into the restrooms, where we tried to get as much poop as possible off my pants.

Of course, cleaning up using only toilet paper and water is impossible. Luckily there was a department store between this super-swank hotel which now reeked of avian shit and the train station.

Manor, you’ve saved me of smelling like poo-gas!

So I got a new pair of pants.

My mom was never told of this adventure. She asked a number of times where this strange pair of pants came from, since she’s never seen me wearing that pair before. My general reaction was to divert attention. And look as blank as possible.

“Oh, remember that one time, when we were messing around the stores, and we got so much crap, and uh, I think Auntie M was there. How is she? Did you talk to her recently?”

But seriously, fuck swans.

Honk, honk, motherfucker.