Fifty Shades: Chapter 1. In which Itsrane develops a beef against Ana

Okay, here we go. Chapter 1 of 50 Shades of Grey. Let me just say that this book makes me want to trawl through peer reviewed articles and research to show how chilling it is. I may just do that when I’m done. Whatever. And just in case you don’t want to slog through a few pages of me raging at a book, head on down to the last bit, Itsrane’s Quick List of Worrying Details, for the bare-bones summary of my thoughts regarding the characters.

I scowl with frustration at myself in the mirror. Damn my hair – it just won’t behave, and damn Katherine Kavanagh for being ill and subjecting me to this ordeal.

Oh, my God. When the first sentence you read fills you with a deep, visceral hatred for the character, something’s wrong. Bitch Ana. If you’re having a bad hair day, put a beanie or a bandana on. Or pretend you’re doing a social experiment to see how young Muslim women see the world.

Like this, Ana. Like this.

And if sleeping with your hair wet makes it unmanageable, you should have learned that before high school. Or figured out a way to let sleep style it for you. I swear by sock buns and John Frieda’s anti-frizz serum. Seriously, try it. It may work for you. You have to understand your hair, coax it into doing what you want, not fighting it.

And when you’re getting feminine-type advice from Itsrane, you know you’re a lost cause.

If my books weren’t still in boxes, this is what my living space would look like.

And Bitch Ana. No one chooses a day to succumb to the flu. Not your friend,  not you, not the band member at a show you drove three hours to watch who tries to play even though he’s sniffling. No one.

Therefore, she cannot attend the interview she’d arranged to do, with some mega-industrialist tycoon I’ve never heard of, for the student newspaper. So I have been volunteered. I have final exams to cram for, one essay to finish, and I’m supposed to be working this afternoon

Wait, wait, wait. You volunteered? (Edit: I derped, she has been volunteered. Point still stands. No one’s holding a gun to her head and forcing her to say “okay”.) And you’re still bitching about how Kate screwed you over? What the everloving fuck?! Bitch, if you volunteered, that immediately revokes your bitching rights. Either do what you promised to do properly, or don’t do it at all. Seriously. Fuck you.

Also, studying for finals a week before your exams isn’t cramming. That’s regular studying. Cramming is staying up the last night or two, with a full thermos of strong black coffee, black bags under your eyes, and a panic attack right around the corner. That’s cramming. And oh my God, an essay! How terrifying. Try three research papers due on the same day, then come back to complain. Also, for fuck’s sake, start studying from week one, you wouldn’t have to study then.

This Wonka gets it.

Okay, Itsrane, calm the fuck down. Deep breaths. Go make fun of how ungainly the name “Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc.” is. Okay? Okay. Let’s move on.

Waitaminute. Bitch Ana. You’re telling me you have no idea who this person is, and you’ve never heard of him, and he’s a major benefactor of your university? What the everloving fuck? And why doesn’t he give interviews to the paper of the university he’s benefacting? I know that word doesn’t exist, shut up. I’m still mad.

Damn her extra-curricular activities.

Oh, my God, Bitch Ana! Stop it with the damnations, you stuck up, self-centered idiot! Your friend is sick and you fucking VOLUNTEERED. If she had guilted you into doing it, I’d understand BUT SHE DIDN’T.

Okay, okay, more deep breaths.

Maybe I should stop addressing Bitch Ana and take a few steps back and stop getting so invested in the issue.

Let’s continue.

So Kate is huddled on the couch. She still looks pretty even though she’s sick. Please. Show me someone who looks pretty even sick who isn’t in some movie or something. Can’t find any? I know. Unless you have a snot fetish. Bitch Ana proves her lack of empathy – a symptom that is present in a number of personality disorders, by the way, go check it out – by ignoring a “pang of unwanted sympathy”. Kate’s sick, why doesn’t she want to feel sympathy? Because she wants to damn and bitch at her, mentally because like someone I know, she’s too cowardly or passive aggressive to bring it up in a mature manner.

Side note regarding dear, pretty Kate; it’s the flu. Pop some Dayquil and soldier on. You know when I had the worst bout of flu ever? On a trip to Orlando. I kept popping that shit, following the instructions, and I was able to enjoy my time in Disney and everything, though I slept like the dead every night. It’s not the end of the world, especially when it concerns something you can’t reschedule. Gawd.

And I mean Gawd.

Back to our heroine protagonist central character. Apparently she couldn’t take the time to Google this guy, or ask Kate to give her a quick summary. With that logic, she doesn’t need to study for her final, she could just walk in and hope everything goes swell.

So, she borrows Kate’s Mercedes, which is “a fun drive”. No arguments there from me, Ana. My dad let me drive his, once, and it made my Hyundai feel like a joke. But I still love my Hyundai. And while I said, I was going to focus only on how social roles and interactions play out in this book, I just can’t help myself this time; Ana, it doesn’t matter if you’re driving a Mercedes or your old Volkswagen. The speed limit isn’t going to change based on what you’re driving. Is this more proof at Ana’s self-centeredness? You decide.

… the miles slip away as I floor the pedal to the metal.

No comment.

I am beginning to wish I’d borrowed one of Kate’s formal blazers rather than wear my navy blue jacket. I have made an effort and worn my one and only skirt, my sensible brown knee-length boots and a blue sweater. For me, this is smart.

Deep breaths… deep breaths… okay, I’ll try to say this calmly. Ana, dear, how can you been in university without making sure you have one smart suit in your wardrobe? My formal suit is the only thing in my wardrobe I’ve splurged on, and it’s served me very well for interviews and formal events. For fuck’s sake, woman, slacks and a nice shirt and a well-fitting blazer, and you’re done! It’s not that hard. And “for me, that’s smart”? Woman, I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, you’re one self-centered idiot. Smart dress isn’t subjective. It just is. If that’s the case, I can drag my slobby ass to a posh function with my dad and go “Well, for me, this is smart, you can’t kick me out of this black tie event.” For fuck’s sake, Ana.

Anyway, Ana feels like something the cat puked up while waiting around for the enigmatic Mr. Grey. So she has no self-confidence whatsoever. One of the reasons I look like a hobo is because I’m pretty damn sure of myself. The other is my old sweatpants are fucking comfy, and no, mom, I’m not throwing them away, and again, no, just because I wear men’s tees around the house doesn’t mean I want to be a man. My boobs won’t allow it.

Anyway.

Ana pretends the woman doesn’t intimidate her. Ooh, you’re so tough, Ana. Except there’s no reason the woman should intimidate you. She even smiled pleasantly at you when you walked in, even though you believe you’re the walking equivalent of a dog turd. And why would she smile kindly if she’s amused by your general hick-ness? Grow a damn spine, woman! Oh wait, I forgot what I was reading. Moving on.

I sit down, fish the questions from my satchel, and go through them, inwardly cursing Kate for not providing me with a brief biography.

You could have asked her, I’m just saying. Bitch Ana, you can’t just sit around waiting for the world to hand shit to you! You have to go forward and get it yourself! Wait, I forgot which book I’m reading again. My bad.

And what’s with Ana being so out of the loop? She doesn’t know anything about the guy, but we all learn later he’s famous for being so rich so young and so on, wouldn’t she have at least heard about it? So she’s both passive and dimwitted? What’s going on?

..I don’t even…

Another elegant, flawlessly dressed blonde comes out of a large door to the right. What is it with all the immaculate blondes? It’s like Stepford here.

Stepford? Really? I think all the hot blondes remind me of something else.

This type or something else.

Ana gets a drink of water, some Black guy reminds Mr. Grey they’re going golfing, and Ana makes a fool of herself before even laying eyes on our Mystery Man. Good going, Ana. The last time I almost stumbled into a guy was when I fell off a horse. At least that’s a better excuse than being incorrigibly clumsy.

Of course, Mr. Grey is all suave and helps dear Ana off her hands and knees. I don’t know why he bothered, since he’s going to be putting her in that position again soon enough, metaphorically if not literally. And the first thing dear Ana notices was how hot he is, and E. L. James makes a terrible attempt at showing the sexual chemistry going on between the two of them with crap like feeling sparks when they touch and so on. Sorry, James, but that’s cheap. You want to show the characters having good chemistry, with the way they talk and act, not with cliché shit. Moving on.

Cheap short-cuts. That’s what they are.

I’ve also noticed that dear Ana tends to murmur, mutter, and mumble a lot. I suggest getting some damn self-confidence, taking a public speaking course, or maybe even some speech therapy. You’re an adult, Ana, act like it, instead of acting like a seven year old hiding behind mommy’s skirts.

Oh, Ana’s studying English lit. Is this another cheap shortcut to explain why she’s so awkward and weird, and insulting a whole bunch of people in the process, or is she a self-insertion character? I don’t know. I’m not going to bother finding out.  I lied, I tried to find out, but I couldn’t find what James studied. If anyone knows, leave a comment, please and thank you!

I’m really starting to worry about this girl. I know I said she may have some sort of personality disorder, but scratch that. I think it’s a developmental disorder. She can’t tell when the person talking to her is amused or not! C’mon, Ana, he either is, or he isn’t! Or maybe she’s paranoid and thinks everyone is laughing at her behind her back. I wonder if it’s paranoia if it’s really happening.

Hot Christian invites dear Ana to sit, and dear Ana impresses him with a stupid, mumbled comment regarding his artwork. Piece of advice, guys, making the ordinary extraordinary isn’t something new in art. Maybe James wanted to commentate on the blossoming relationship, but it’s more of ordinary to chillingly dark. Dear Ana is already referring to hot Christian as “the Adonis” and I had to run and get some Pepcid because I got nauseated. So dear Ana is all clumsy and flustered – but what else is new? – and seems to get mildly upset at hot Christian gently teasing her. Woman, if a comment like that is going to fluster you, I wonder how you’ll react to the real world, since it’s pretty damn obvious you’re really far removed from it. And apparently, Christian knows more about what the interview’s for than Ana, to which I thought…

Colbert feels my pain.

“Good,” I swallow nervously. “I have some questions, Mr. Grey.” I smooth a stray lock of hair behind my ear.
“I thought you might,” he says, deadpan. He’s laughing at me. My cheeks heat at the realization, and I sit up and square my shoulders in an attempt to look taller and more intimidating.

Ana. Joke. Teasing. That’s all he’s doing. How the hell did you get to being a senior at university without being exposed to this type of humor? If he’s joking with you, it means he doesn’t see this as strictly professional, which means he might, you know, like you. Fuck. Right. Book. Forgot.

So yeah. Dear Ana starts the interview. Christian attributes his success at knowing how to judge people, which I call bullshit on because if an author doesn’t know how to do something like knowing how people tick, there is no way in hell her characters would know how to do that. Anyway, dear Ana deviates from the script given to her by pretty-even-when-sick-damn-her-for-being-proactive Kate, and tries to attribute Christian’s success to luck, because Gawd he’s like, so arrogant, you guys. She continues to prove what a lackwit she is by constantly putting her foot in her mouth. Might as well just leave it there, dear Ana, stop embarrassing yourself. And you have no idea how to keep a good flow, woman, don’t change topics so abruptly. But maybe this is just giving us a look at how her thought processes (dys)function. Chris-man tells dear Ana that he doesn’t often give interviews, but he’s giving this one because pretty-even-when-sick Kate is tenacious and constantly badgered his PR people. Uh, what? Your PR people can’t keep a journalism student off their backs? And if Kate is so damn tenacious why doesn’t she just suck it and go? I went to a Buckcherry concert sick. I got one or two looks from one of the guys on stage because I was wheezing against the barrier, but damn it, I had fun, even though I was sick, and I’m glad I went. I may have infected a bunch of people around me but eh.

Some kid tried to steal the pick I caught so I stomped his fingers in a self-medicated rage. I regret nothing.

What I’m saying is I battled sickness to go to Disney and to see Buckcherry live. You can suck it up and do your oh-so-important interview, Kate.

These adults all act like children.

The interview goes on, and dear, dimwitted Ana can’t see the benefits of feeding the world’s poor from a business point of view. I am the dumbest person when it comes to business and stuff, and even I can see that doing something so selfless is one of the ways to get your name out there, increase your reputation. It’s a marketing scheme. Stop being so damn stupid.

And C-man, your guiding principle is your philosophy. Your speech isn’t making you sound like anything but a pretentious fuck. James is just trying to make him seem deeper than he is, but no matter what you do, a rain puddle’s a rain puddle.

Dear Ana is still trying to wrap her mind around how someone who is so self-serving could want to feed the world, but ultimately, feeding the world in C-man’s position is self-serving. But I don’t think James thought that far into it. I think she wants to show how he’s actually a nice guy even though he appears cold and selfish, but just like her “romance” it’s backfired a bit here, hasn’t it?

“Are you gay, Mr. Grey?”
He inhales sharply, and I cringe, mortified. Crap. Why didn’t I employ some kind of filter before I read this straight out? How can I tell him I’m just reading the questions?

Personal anecdote time! I worked, for a while, as intake in a psychiatric clinic. One of the questions we had to cover in the initial interview was if there has ever been any sexual abuse in the client’s past. I don’t go callously asking “Were there any nonconsensual sexual encounters in your past?” just because I’m reading off the form. I go about it gently, reminding the client that these questions are routine, and that they didn’t need to answer them if they felt uncomfortable sharing, and that the question I’m going to ask next is a little sensitive, and maybe a little shocking, as it’s a very personal question, yadda yadda.

Like this, only with a desk. That desk deterred a serial rapist from attacking me. Thank you, desk!

So, no, you can’t blame this one on pretty Kate. That’s your mistake 100%, Ana.

And why do these people murmur so damn much? I’ve never had anyone murmur at me in real life, James. Only in books. Books that are like your book.

So the interview is concluded. That was a short interview, and didn’t seem to give much information, but what do I know, really? I only read or watch music-news type interviews. So, guys, feel free to correct me on this. Again, C-man mildly teases her about her more than clumsy entrance, and she reacts like it’s a challenge or something. Bitch, backbones aren’t supposed to go up your ass. The C-Man summons the elevator for dear, dim Ana, and they have a hilarious sequence where they say each other’s’ names as goodbye.

And now, mercifully, thankfully, I’m done with Chapter 1. Only 25 more to go.

Itsrane’s Quick List of Worrying Details:

• As a character, Ana has no empathy whatsoever. Despite volunteering under no duress, she happily bitched on and on about her supposed best friend and roommate.
• Ana could not be assed to find out more about the guy she was interviewing. It really wouldn’t hurt her to look him up quickly, and if the journalism sphere’s all aflutter regarding how he made a name and fortune for himself at such a young age, his name should be as widely known as Bill Gates or Steve Jobs. And Ana lays the blame of being ill-prepared on Kate, yet again.
• Ana seems utterly incapable of doing anything for herself. She blames the lack of information about Christian Grey on her roommate, and because she did not go over the questions on her own, let alone with Kate, which she should have done, she ended up asking a sensitive question in an extremely tactless manner. Again, she lays the blame on her roommate.
• Ana’s attempts at being “intimidating” and sounding more knowledgeable than she is sound like a kid who’s trying to hide a pilfered cookie behind his back, and thinking himself so smart, even though mother knowingly let him get away with it.
• Ana seems to have a severe lack of self-confidence, as demonstrated by her feeling out of place among the “impeccable blondes”, and worrying about how scruffy she looked in her “smart” clothes, things that were brought up many times.
• Ana seems incapable of analyzing emotions such as amusement on a person’s face, or in a person’s voice.
• Ana also seems incapable of laughing at her own expense, which can be tied to defensiveness born of a lack of self-confidence.
• Christian’s answers to the questions of the interview don’t seem to really answer the questions themselves.
• Christian either does not recognize or does not care about the fact that he may be making someone feel uncomfortable, evidenced by him repeating jokes at Ana’s expense even when she does not laugh and shows signs of being uncaring about them at best.
• James tries hard to make Ana seem like a cute, innocent klutz, but only succeeds at making her seem like an unsympathetic, frazzled, socially awkward girl whose mind has not caught up with her physical age.
• James attempts to make Christian seem more mysterious by having him use pseudo-philosophy, but it just makes him seem like a pretentious idiot who had recently picked up a dictionary/thesaurus combo and maybe read the first chapter of an Intro to Philosophy course textbook.
• James tries to use a shortcut to show that Christian is a caring person under his cold exterior with his “philanthropic” work, but only succeeds at making him appear to be so heartless that he would use the shoulders of the people in need to expand his empire.
• Dear James, just feeding poverty-stricken people isn’t enough. Sustained development, go look that up, please.